Sins of the GreatGrandmothers
by Ron Hino
Summary: It seems Cologne was a naughty little girl growing up. An old enemy of hers curses Shampoo to have her soul slowly eaten by a demon. What will Ranma do now that she has less then 3 years to live?
1. Chapter 1

Sins of the Great-grandmothers  
Chapter One  
By Ron Hino  
  
  
Ranma 1/2 is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi. She has made lots and lots of money off it, and I'm not making a penny. Damn shame too.  
  
________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Shampoo was mopping the floors as her great-grandmother went through the Nekohanten's mail. It was the end of December, the end of another year. Naturally, there was a veritable mountain of bills to be paid. Fortunately, the restaurant did quite well, despite things like having service frequently interrupted while the waitress glomped her reluctant husband, occasional damage to the restaurant by unfriendly visitors, and closing on short notice when Cologne wanted to go see Son-in-law defeat his latest challenge.   
  
Or it might even be because of some of these things. Most of the patrons grinned in amusement at watching Ranma squirm in the passionate (and inescapable) embrace of the gorgeous Shampoo. They seemed entertained by any fight that broke out (so long as they didn't get hurt while watching) as though it was some sort of sporting event.   
  
There were even one or two elderly gentlemen, who seemed to come here for the express purpose of hitting on Cologne. Apparently, it was very rare in Japan to find a woman her age who was still so 'spry and lively' as they put it. Cologne endured their flattery with much more maturity than, say, Akane Tendou might have. She was not getting any younger, and she wasn't about to discourage sincere compliments on the extremely rare occasions she got them. She smiled to herself as she thought about that Shinto priest. What was his name again? Something Hino? He was shrunken to nearly her height, and hadn't a single hair on his head, but he seemed every bit as 'spry and lively' as he claimed she was. That priest might be fun to spend some time with. Who knows, his you-know-what might still work.   
  
Oh don't look so shocked! Cologne was over 300 years old! She wasn't about to waste her remaining years dithering about like some shy teenager!   
  
"Great-Grandmother? Why you just sit there and no moving for so long? Is you dead already?"  
  
Cologne snapped out of her thoughts and whapped her snotty great-grandchild over the head with her staff. Shampoo was picking up some bad habits from Son-in-law, it seemed. "Remember to whom you're speaking, Shampoo."   
  
The purple-haired girl groaned on the floor. Perhaps Cologne had overdone it. Oh well, she'd recover. Cologne was suddenly struck with an awful thought: A mouthy Ranma married to a mouthy Shampoo, with two or three mouthy children. Her staff arm would be awfully sore by then. Must make sure Shampoo doesn't pick up this habit of her husband's, and cure Son-in-law of it too. She'd start as soon as they were married (or rather, when he accepted the fact that he was already married).  
  
She shook her head to clear it of such silly wanderings. She opened the next piece of mail. Odd, this one didn't seem to be a bill. It didn't even have a return address. Shrugging, she opened the envelope and pulled out a single card of stiff paper. Written in Chinese with sharp, angry (yet noticeably feminine) strokes, were only two sentences:  
  
The time of my vengeance is at hand! Meet me in the construction site downtown at 8:00 am, New Year's Day, so that I may destroy you.  
  
"Well well! This is interesting." Cologne mused. Shampoo finally picked herself up from the ground, rubbing her head and reading over her great-grandmother's shoulder.   
  
"Aiyaa.... Great-grandmother get challenge letter? Is very strange! Sure is no for Ranma?"  
  
"That would be more in keeping with the usual state of things around here. However, the envelope is addressed to me, and the note written in Chinese, which most people are aware that Son-in-law cannot read." She sighed and then looked back at Shampoo with a teacher's challenge in her smile. "So tell me, Shampoo, who do you think this is from."  
  
Shampoo winced. Her great-grandmother was always trying to make sure her mind was as well trained as her body. Personally, she greatly preferred training the latter to the former. Training to become clever with someone nearly 20 times your age usually left you feeling like a moron.  
  
Sighing, she picked up both the card and its envelope, looking them both over carefully.   
  
"First thing obvious; challenger Chinese." Shampoo said.   
  
Cologne nodded. "Most likely. However, sometimes when something seems obvious, that is the thing you should most suspect. Still, at this time, we have no indication that we should suspect this fact to be other than it appears."  
  
Shampoo rolled her eyes. Couldn't the old woman have stopped at 'Most likely'? She sighed and examined the envelope. "Challenger write 'To Cologne of the Joketsuzoku'. She no say, 'To Matriarch of Joketsuzoku'. This mean challenge for you personally, not because you leader of tribe."  
  
Cologne nodded. "Very good. It could also mean something else. Can you think of what that might be?"  
  
Shampoo furrowed her brow (looking very cute), but eventually she shook her head.   
  
"It could also mean that this person was a member of our tribe before I became Matriarch, and then left the tribe, or was cast out. This could very likely be related to the reason she wants revenge."   
  
Shampoo's eyes widened. "That mean challenger very very old!"  
  
*BONK*  
  
Shampoo rubbed her head as Cologne set her staff back down, leaning it against the table. "Shampoo sorry Great-grandmother. You is Matriarch for Shampoo whole life. Shampoo mother whole life too. Time before that seem like..." She trailed of awkwardly.   
  
"Like ancient history?" Cologne smirked wryly. "I'll forgive you for that, because you are young. It is hard for you to think of time in terms larger than your own age. Remember though, that if you master your ki to my level, you will one day be as old as I am."   
  
Shampoo smiled. "Shampoo remember. Study hard to master ki, so can live very long and happy life like Great-grandmother!"  
  
"It was not all happy, Shampoo." Cologne sighed. "I made my share of enemies, as this challenge letter proves quite clearly. It's been somewhat lonely for the last century or so as well."  
  
"Shampoo get Ranma to marry her, then she teach Airen ki techniques too. Then live long and happy life together! You see!"  
  
Cologne laughed. "I suspect it will be your husband teaching *you* ki mastery, Great-granddaughter. He's quite the marvel, that husband of yours. As for the other part, I will likely not be around long enough to see just how far you two can go together."  
  
"Great-grandmother no say things like that!" Shampoo pleaded. "Great-grandmother be around long time! You see! Shampoo want show you great-great-granddaughter!"  
  
Cologne smiled. "Thank you, Shampoo. I would very much like to see the next generation come into this world. I may indeed live long enough to see it, if Son-in-law ever comes to his senses. However, I highly doubt I shall live long enough to see your daughter grow up."   
  
Shampoo was near tears. "Great-grandmother no talk that way! You live for very long time before now! You live for long time more!"  
  
"Calm yourself, Shampoo. No more tears. I am, at least at present, in fine health for a woman of my age. I am merely being realistic. I'm no spring chicken, and we both know it. Still, you needn't worry that I will just roll over and die before I see you happily married to Son-in-law. I promise to stick around at least that long. Then you will have him to comfort you in my absence."  
  
Shampoo smiled sadly. "Shampoo think Ranma be very good at that, but still hope that day no come for long time."  
  
Cologne chuckled. "We shall see, Great-granddaughter. We shall see. But back to the business at hand; can you tell me anything more about this challenger?"  
  
Shampoo composed herself and glanced at the letter again. "If this person old as you say, then have very big grudge on Great-grandmother. Must have big pain that no can be forgotten, even after many many year. Now Shampoo have question for Great-grandmother. Who she remember that she hurt so bad?"  
  
"No idea."  
  
Shampoo collapsed to the floor, twitching. "You mean you give Shampoo big test and not even know right answers?" She demanded as she jumped up.  
  
Cologne shrugged easily. "There is not enough information here to narrow down the challenger's identity more than you already have. You have done well, but we will still have to wait until New Years Day to find out the exact details."  
  
"This person you give big pain to; unforgivable pain. How you no remember her? Is you memory going bad?"  
  
*BONK*  
  
"Let's see you remember every little detail of a 300 year life-span when you're my age!" Cologne snapped. "I've told you that I've made my share of enemies in my long life! I'm just not sure which one this is!"  
  
Shampoo rubbed her head and sulked.   
  
***  
  
New Years Day came with little fanfare. Snow was rare this time of year in Tokyo, and this year was no exception. Most stores were closed for the holiday, and people tended to be at home spending time with their families. Likewise, the construction crew had abandoned the site of the new skyscraper for the next day or two.   
  
They stood on the ground, beneath the maze of naked girders above them. The weather was cold, and Shampoo came bundled up against the chill. Cologne wore the same Matriarch's robes she always wore, as if to convince all who knew her that she was beyond the reach of the elements. As a matter of fact, beneath the formal Matriarch robes she wore the formal Matriarch thermal underwear, protecting her old bones from the chill January air, but no one needed to know about that.  
  
Cologne was a bit surprised that Shampoo had invited a guest to her challenge.   
  
"Why is Son-in-law here?" Cologne asked her.  
  
"She told me you were gonna fight some other old ghoul or something." Ranma answered with a grin. "I figured it should be a good show, so I came along to see if I can learn about any more cool Amazon techniques. Hope you don't mind."  
  
Cologne chuckled. "Not at all, Son-in-law. That's just like you. After all, you're not the type to come to a fight just because you're worried about an old woman, now are you?"  
  
Ranma's face flushed. "Are you nuts? Who'd be worried about you? I hate you, remember? I'm just here to see if I can pick up some new techniques."   
  
"Of course, Son-in-law. Pardon me." Cologne smirked.   
  
"So who's this other ghoul anyway, Old Ghoul?" Ranma asked.   
  
Cologne resisted the urge to smack him. "We don't know. I just received a challenge letter asking me to be here at this time."  
  
Shampoo spoke up. "We think it someone Great-grandmother make mad long-long time ago."  
  
"I get it. Crimes of your past catching up with you, huh? Reminds me of my Pop."  
  
Now Cologne DID smack him.   
  
*BONK*  
  
"Ow! Alright, alright! I guess if you were really like my Pop, this person would be coming after Shampoo instead of you."  
  
*BONK!* This one was a bit harder. Ranma slumped to the ground.   
  
"Aiya... He say one thing too many." Shampoo remarked.   
  
"That's my Son-in-law." Cologne muttered. "So where is this mysterious challenger? She's late!"  
  
"I am not! You're just early!" A voice rasped from above. Cologne and Shampoo turned to see a dim figure outlined in the new winter's morning sun. Even Ranma rolled over with a groan and sat up to look.   
  
She (assuming it was female) was every bit as shrunken and wrinkled as Cologne herself. She carried a staff as well, but hers was an intricately carved rod of smooth ebony, bearing a number of odd mystical symbols and engravings. Her robes were black as night.   
  
She cackled. "Now at last, Cologne, I can take my revenge against you for what you did to me so long ago!"   
  
"And what might that have been?" Cologne asked calmly. "You'll forgive me, but I've been around a long time, and my memory's not as good as it used to be. Exactly who are you?"  
  
The dark-clad old crone scowled down from her high perch. "You've forgotten me? What an insult! Hmph! Fine, I'll give you a hint. You stole away the man I brought to the village to be my husband! You, who could have had any man in the village, and did, by most accounts!"   
  
Cologne scratched her head. "Oh, you mean Brush? Him?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Razor?"  
  
"No!"  
  
"Aftershave?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
Shampoo and Ranma big-sweated.   
  
"Great-grandmother... when we get home, Shampoo want hear more about kind of person you were when you young..." Shampoo muttered.   
  
"Sounds like she was a regular playboy... or playgirl, I guess you'd call it." Ranma agreed.   
  
"Both of you shut up!" Cologne snapped. "Let's just say I enjoyed my youth!"  
  
"Oh yes!" The dark old woman sneered. "You enjoyed your 'youth' for about 60 years, thanks to your family's secret ki techniques. I was always amazed that the council never forced your clan to share them with the rest of the tribe. Must have been because all the Matriarchs have been of your clan for the last 500 years; due, of course, to that same ki technique that lets you age more slowly, gaining skill and power while your rivals grew old and frail. Fortunately for me, I've found other methods to achieve the same ends through magic, or else I could never have lived this long."  
  
Shampoo had a thoughtful look on her face. "Great-grandmother, Shampoo know there at least three Elders outside of family who more than 200 year old. You decide to share family secret?"  
  
Cologne nodded. "The very day I became Matriarch, about 150 years ago. So now we know roughly how long she has been gone from the tribe."  
  
The unnamed old woman snorted. "I bet that made you popular. In fact, it probably helped people forget that you used to play around with other women's husbands all the time."  
  
Cologne winced. "Well, it certainly didn't hurt..."  
  
"Right." The old woman sneered dryly.   
  
Ranma was getting impatient with all this talking. "Okay, so who was this guy already?"  
  
"I have no idea." Cologne mumbled, slightly embarrassed.   
  
"It was Calvin Klein the First!" The old woman snapped irritably.   
  
Cologne snapped her fingers. "Oh yes! I remember 'CK1'; that British boy with the big member!" Shampoo and Ranma face-faulted. "I suppose that would make you Toilet Duck, the mage's apprentice, right?" Ranma started snickering, though Shampoo just gave him a confused look.   
  
Duck, the old woman in black, smirked grimly at her rival. "Yes indeed. Calvin and I were married not even a year, when rumors of his endowments reached you. We were only 17, and you had a fine gentleman of a husband for your own, but you still seduced him away from me! You were nearly 50 years old! What right did you have playing around with young men at your age!"  
  
Ranma put up a hand. "Wait a minute. This Klein guy was 17, and she was almost 50? How did she manage to seduce him if she was so old already?"  
  
"Shampoo no understand either."  
  
"You have to remember, children," Duck said grimly, "that because of her family's age extending technique, Cologne kept her youthful looks for a very long time. She didn't stop messing about until she was 70, and at that time she only looked about 30. When she ran off with my husband, she had the looks of a 25 year-old, and the experience of a 50 year-old. Poor Calvin didn't stand a chance!"  
  
"'Poor Calvin' didn't have anything to complain about." Cologne muttered. "If you'd been anywhere near as good in the sack as me, he would have gone right back to you."  
  
Ranma looked from one old ghoul to the other, and tried not to be ill at the mental pictures that came to his mind.   
  
Duck trembled in rage. "You... you... HOW DARE YOU! It was hardly my fault I hadn't sucked as many dicks as you had, you old whore!"  
  
Ranma was on his knees, clutching his nauseous stomach. "Please... no more..."  
  
Cologne glanced at him and rolled her eyes. "Whatever. At least now we all know why you asked for this fight. Shall we get this over with, Ducky?"  
  
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" Duck roared. "Only Calvin was allowed to call me that!"  
  
"You prefer 'Toilet Duck'?" Ranma snickered.  
  
"What so funny about name Toilet Duck, Ranma?" Shampoo asked, sincerely confused. "Shampoo have friend with same name back in village."  
  
"Never mind."  
  
"Right, let's get on with this." Cologne said, taking a fighting stance.  
  
"Oh, you want to brawl over this, Cologne?" Duck snorted. "Use your head! I didn't call you here to fight. I'm a mage, remember? You're the Warmaster. I didn't have a chance in close combat with you then, and I still don't now. No Cologne, I didn't come here to fight you, I came to take my revenge!"  
  
Cologne frowned warily at her rival. "And what exactly do you mean by that?"  
  
Duck shook her head in mock disappointment. "You're still such a little thug, Cologne. Always trying to solve your problems with your fists. Maybe if you'd ever bothered to learn some strategy, you'd have accomplished more in life."  
  
Cologne noted that Shampoo was beginning to snicker. She'd heard very similar remarks from her great-grandmother many times in the past. Insolent child!  
  
"You're point, Duck?" She snapped.  
  
"My point, dear Cologne, is that you were already defeated from the moment you set foot in this place...   
"Ghosts of the past,  
"Buried beneath the earth;  
"Rise and take hold of my enemy!  
"GHOUL'S CLUTCHES!"  
  
Shampoo and Ranma jumped back as two pairs of rotting hands burst from the ground and gripped the Matriarch by the ankles in, quite literally, a death grip.   
  
Cologne cursed and struck out with her staff at pressure points on the hands. A living person would have immediately released their grip, screaming in pain, but these decaying hands didn't even notice. She desperately smashed the head of her staff down on one hand, breaking two of the bones, but it was not the strength of life that gave these hands their power; it was the dark magic of death. Cologne was trapped.   
  
"And now that I have you still, dear Cologne, I have the time to show you what power a mage can wield in the right conditions. Watch and learn as my spells bring about your demise!" She cackled, then began another longer chant.  
"Hungry one from the depths of hell,  
"I call upon you to feast upon souls.  
"Take this one and devour her life,  
"Bleed away her essence for your drink.  
"SOUL EATER!"  
  
A glowing black cloud if distilled evil formed above the mage's staff. She drew a pinch of white powder from a pocket and threw it up into the spell. The cloud rippled with blood-red lightning. Then, as she pointed her staff at the entrapped Cologne, the evil spell shot forth toward its target.  
  
"Damn!" Cologne muttered. "Looks like my end's finally come."   
  
"GREAT-GRANDMOTHER! NOOOOO!" Shampoo cried, dashing forward to put herself between the spell and her dear great-grandmother.   
  
"Shampoo! Get out of the way! You'll be killed!" Cologne screeched.  
  
"Shampoo!" Ranma screamed, dashing forward to tackle her out of the way. Unfortunately, he was too late. He skidded to a halt as the dark cloud slammed into Shampoo's body, exploding out with a fierce wind that would have knocked him back regardless. The cloud had enveloped the girl's entire body, crackling with evil power. Somewhere within, Cologne and Ranma could hear Shampoo begin to scream...   
  
And scream...  
  
And scream.  
  
Cologne and Ranma watched in horror as the black-red cloud slowly began to shrink. They could see Shampoo's feet and outstretched hands now, and the cloud continued to shrink rapidly. Finally, it swirled around her body like a snake and sucked itself into her wide-open eyes, vanishing into her body.   
  
Ranma immediately ran up to her. She still stood as she had when struck, with her arms wide to protect her beloved great-grandmother. Her eyes were wide with fear, her face pale and horrified, as she took short, sharp breaths like a person in deep shock.   
  
"Shampoo! Are you okay?" Ranma asked frantically. Shampoo began to tremble as she slowly focused her eyes on his concerned face. Ranma quickly caught her as her eyes rolled back in her head and she collapsed.   
  
"SHAMPOO!"  
  
Ranma's attention was momentarily distracted as he felt a wave of heat wash over him. He looked to see Cologne trembling in absolute fury! Her battle aura was up and blazing, making her look like a garden gnome in the middle of a bonfire. The dead hands gripping her ankles cracked and burned away.  
  
"Toilet Duck... what have you done to my great-granddaughter?" She said in a tone as cold as ice.   
  
The crone in black frowned and scratched her head. "This wasn't supposed to turn out like this. Hmm..."  
  
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!!" Cologne bellowed.   
  
Duck flinched. "Well... I was trying to kill you, what do you think I've done?"  
  
"But she's still breathing!" Ranma said anxiously.  
  
"Huh? Oh yes, I forgot about that part." Duck said, jumped down from the crossbeam she'd been standing on, and hopping on her staff towards the fallen girl. She examined the girl closely. She even pulled out a small human finger bone and passed it over Shampoo's face and torso, feeling and interpreting the gentle vibrations the bone made when in contact with her aura.   
  
"Ah yes, the spell worked perfectly." She said with a proud smile.   
  
A huge blast of ki knocked the witch back, sending her rolling across the ground. "Ow."  
  
Even as Cologne chose not to follow up her attack, in favor of examining Shampoo herself, Ranma was stalking after the downed necromancer with grim purpose in his eyes. He snatched the shrunken woman up by the scruff of her robes and growled into her face.  
  
"Now you listen, old ghoul, you're going to tell us exactly what you did to Shampoo, and then you're going to tell us how to undo it!"  
  
Duck frowned darkly at him. "Are you sure you want to talk to me that way, little boy? You've seen a small taste of my power. Are you sure you want some of the same?"  
  
Ranma faltered a little, growling in frustration.   
  
"Oh, I don't think you could give my Son-in-law much trouble, Duck. So long as he doesn't give you time to cast those long-winded spells of yours, he could easily kick you all around this place without hardly breaking a sweat." Cologne said mildly, not taking her eyes off of Shampoo.   
  
Duck gulped as Ranma grinned unpleasantly at her. "Well, you old witch? What's it gonna be?"  
  
"Oh alright. I suppose I really have nothing against the girl personally. I'll help if I can."  
  
"That's better." Ranma carried the dark witch over to the others and dropped her roughly to the ground.   
  
"Ow! Watch it sonny, I'm an old lady!"  
  
"I'll do a lot worse if you don't make yourself useful." Ranma growled.   
  
Duck muttered something unpleasant under her breath, only to have herself smacked hard by Cologne's staff.   
  
"Yow! What was that for?"  
  
"That wouldn't have been a spell you were muttering, would it?"  
  
"No actually, just something uncomplimentary about the boy's heritage."  
  
"Remind me to introduce you to his father sometime." Cologne muttered. "Now what about Shampoo? Her breathing is shallow, her pulse is weak, her skin is pale, cold, and clammy, yet she is clearly alive. What sort of spell was this anyway?"  
  
Duck the necromancer arranged herself into a comfortable sitting position. "The Soul Eater spell is basically a form of demonic possession. However, unlike the more traditional kind, where the demon tries to take over the person's body and make them do evil things, this demon remains almost totally dormant within the body, and merely feeds away at the person's life energy, slowly killing them."  
  
Ranma frowned. "So it's like... eating her ki, or something?"  
  
"No, Son-in-law." Cologne explained. "Your ki and you life energy are two different things. Ki is the force of your spirit; it is your will, your ego. You can train and make it larger and more effective. Life energy is basically your soul. How strong that is depends on the sort of person you are, and there is no way to train it bigger or stronger. It remains the same throughout your life."  
  
"Not quite, Cologne." Duck corrected. "My research into the matter shows that life energy, besides being a reflection of your personality (or perhaps visa versa) follows a sort of sine wave curve in amount over the course of one's life. Were not talking life energy *strength* here (which we have known how to measure for centuries) just volume. It begins to grow slowly in the womb, then peaks at about physical maturity, and then slowly grows smaller as we age. For an old crone like you, who has stretched her life so long, I estimated that this demon would devour you completely in about a week, giving you lots of time to reflect on your evil deeds which led you to this end."  
  
Cologne frowned. "And in my great-granddaughter's case?"  
  
Duck nodded towards the downed girl. "She is nearing her prime, and she has plenty of life energy for the demon to feed upon. Given her reserves, I'd say she has at least two or three years."  
  
Cologne's brow furrowed. "That doesn't seem right. That's about 150 times as long as I would have had. Surely there can't be that much difference between the life energy of the old and the young."  
  
Duck nodded. "Quite so. She only has about 10 times the life energy that you do. However, there is another factor to consider: how fast the demon chooses to eat. Since it is a demon, he prefers the life force of evil people. Therefor, a sneaky, back-stabbing old whore like you would be like candy to him."  
  
Cologne scowled, but decided not to do anything until she got all the information she could out of the black witch. "...Go on."  
  
"Your great-granddaughter, on the other hand, selflessly threw herself into the path of certain death to save her beloved (if totally undeserving) great-grandmother. She is a purer, kinder soul, the exact sort that the demon hates. He'll feed off of her to keep from going hungry, but it's sort of like a little kid with a plate full of brussel sprouts in front of him. He's going to take little bites and put off finishing his whole plate for as long as he can."  
  
"What's it going to be like for her for the next few years?" Ranma wanted to know. "Is she going to just stay in a coma like this the whole time?"  
  
"Oh no." Duck reassured him. "She's just gone into shock from having that much evil energy forcing its way into her body. She'll wake up either later today or tomorrow. If she's really the sort of girl I think she is, then she should be able to live a fairly normal life until about the last few months, when she'll be weak and bedridden. But remember what I said about personality and quality of life energy being related? If she gets into a mean and nasty mood, the flavor of her life energy will change temporarily, and the demon will start stuffing his face with it. Besides shortening the time she has left, she will feel drained and exhausted for a time, perhaps even feint, as her body reacts to the sudden drop in her life energy."  
  
Ranma scratched his head as he considered. "Shampoo's pretty cheerful most of the time. About the only time I've seen her get really ticked off is when Mousse hits on her, or when she sees one of my other fiancées start making moves on me."  
  
Duck raised an eyebrow. "Jealousy? That's a big no-no. Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins, literally in Shampoo's case. Strong feelings of jealousy will make her life energy taste like chocolate to him."  
  
Ranma winced. "I think we're in trouble then."  
  
"Indeed." Cologne nodded grimly. She was silent for a time, then raised her eyes to Ranma. "Son-in-law, I have a very serious request. Would you be willing to give up resisting your fate and accept Shampoo as your wife? It would make her last years very happy, and hopefully keep her from aggravating her condition. It would be for no longer than three years, and then, if you insist, I would be willing to allow you to return to one of your other fiancées and live out your life as you choose. It is not so much to ask; three years of your life, to make Shampoo happy for the rest of hers. Will you at least consider it? You might even bless her with the joy of motherhood in that time."  
  
Ranma blushed.  
  
"No chance of that, I'm afraid." Duck muttered grimly.  
  
"What do you mean?" Cologne asked.  
  
"Conceiving a child, on the mystical level, involves sharing a bit of both parents' life energy with the new life, to create a new soul. Shampoo's body is fully aware that she can't spare a shred of life energy. I'm afraid that while the demon is within her, there's absolutely no chance of her becoming pregnant. All the fertility drugs in the world wouldn't make a difference."  
  
Cologne lowered her head sadly. "A horrible tragedy. Shampoo was saying just the other day that she hoped to be able to hand me my great-great-grandchild while I was still living." She sighed, fighting back tears, and then raised her gaze to Ranma again. "Well Ranma? Will you do it? Will you grant my great-granddaughter the happiness of true marriage while she is still alive?"  
  
Ranma swallowed. "Do I really have to?"   
  
Cologne looked at him sadly. "No Son-in... No Ranma, you do not. If it is your wish, you can leave her to die unhappily and alone. I will not force you."  
  
Ranma looked guiltily at the ground, raising his eyes to the unconscious form of Shampoo. She looked so fragile and helpless, lying there with her skin pale and her breathing shallow. 'She's really not all that bad,' he thought, 'definitely she's cute.'   
  
He turned his head to look at the spot where she'd stood in front of the spell, fearlessly protecting her great-grandmother. 'If I'd only been a little faster... If I'd only not stood there for that one second gawking, instead of helping... If only...' If only what? If only he'd saved her? Then Cologne would have been hit by the spell, and died in a week, helplessly sick in her bed. Shampoo would have been heartbroken! And worse, she might have blamed him for knocking her aside.   
  
Another way it could have turned out was if Ranma had only been fast enough to get Shampoo out of the way, and not himself. Then he would be the one with this demon inside of him. How long would he last? He didn't think of himself as being as bright and cheerful a person as Shampoo. How often did he get angry? Every time he got splashed with cold water, almost every time he had a conversation with Akane, when Kunou or Happosai grabbed his girl form, when Ryouga slept in Akane's bed as P-chan, or when the lost boy started yelling about how all his problems were Ranma's fault.  
  
Ranma shuddered. He'd be lucky to get a year.   
  
He looked up into Cologne's weary eyes, struck by how much she actually looked her age just then. "I kinda wanna... think about it a little more, but I promise you I'll consider it."  
  
Cologne nodded with a sad smile. "That's all I ask, Ranma."  
  
Ranma squirmed. "If you wanna... I guess you could keep calling me 'Son-in-law'. It wouldn't really bother me... too much." He muttered in embarrassment.   
  
Cologne's smile grew slightly. "As you wish... Son-in-law."  
  
Duck slapped her knee and stood. "Well, glad that's all settled. Guess I'll be moving along then. Bye-bye!"  
  
Duck came to an abrupt halt as Ranma's hand snatched her by the back of her collar and yanked her back. "Hold it, you old witch! All that's fine for a contingency plan, but I bet you know some way to cure Shampoo completely, don't you?"  
  
"What do I look like to you, a white sorceress? I specialize in curses, not cures!" The necromancer snapped.   
  
"But you know all about this particular spell you used." Cologne countered. "You have the best chance of undoing your own work."  
  
Duck sneered contemptuously at her old nemesis. "Even if I could, why should I bother? I wanted you to suffer greatly before you died! This wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but it'll do!"  
  
"I can give you two very good reasons to cure Shampoo." Cologne said, her tone cold as ice. "First, Shampoo is an innocent party in our little squabble, and dark witch or no, you really don't believe she should have to suffer for my crimes. You're simply not quite that evil. Secondly," Cologne's battle aura began to glow in her eyes, "you are not the only one who can bring about great suffering in a person before she dies." She growled. Ranma cracked his knuckles with a grim expression, signifying his complete agreement.   
  
Duck swallowed and backed away, laughing nervously. "I suppose I could look into it."  
  
"See that you do." Cologne said coldly, "or there will be nowhere on this Earth you can hide from me, and the others who care for Shampoo. We will hunt you down like a pack of starving wolves after a rabbit."   
  
Gulping, Duck nodded and hopped away. After a few 'steps' she paused and hopped back, looking at Ranma with a serious expression.   
  
"Young lad, I want you to know I was quite serious when I said I know little about curing curses. I shall do my best, but I don't expect a great amount of success. I think you should proceed as if I had already failed."  
  
Ranma swallowed. "You mean... marry Shampoo?"  
  
Duck nodded. "If that is what it takes to make her last years happy ones, then yes. I can see in your eyes that you already care for her, at least a little. Be kind to her, young Ranma. Cologne was correct when she said that this was not the fate that poor girl deserved for her selfless act."  
  
And with that, she hopped away.   
  
"Call me at the Nekohanten and leave me your number so I can get in touch with you." Cologne yelled after her. Duck nodded once, and then was gone.   
  
Ranma sighed and turned back to Cologne. "Now what?"  
  
"Now we take Shampoo home and make sure she is comfortable when she awakes. I don't relish telling her the bad news, especially the part about her being unable to bear children."  
  
Ranma squirmed. "Maybe we could just leave that part out. It seems like it would really hurt her to know."  
  
Cologne snorted a humorless laugh. "You sound like your father, Son-in-law."  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"However, in this case, I believe you may be correct. It would be of no help to her to know this now. Perhaps later, if things work out between the two of you, there will come a day when she will have to know. Until then, we shall keep this between us. Agreed?"  
  
Ranma nodded solemnly. "Agreed. Hey, what are we going to do about Mousse? From what the old witch said, we should be keeping him away from her. We gotta keep her from feeling angry or jealous, right?"  
  
"One problem at a time, Son-in-law." Cologne muttered. "First let's get her home. Would you mind doing the honors? I'm not really tall enough anymore to carry someone her size without dragging her across the ground."  
  
Ranma nodded, and scooped up the unconscious Shampoo in his arms. She still looked bad, but some of her colour was starting to return. Wordlessly, he followed the old woman across the rooftops, back to the Nekohanten.   
  
***  
  
Later that night, Shampoo awoke to find herself tucked away in her own bedding, on the floor of her room. Had it all been a dream? That strange old woman dressed in black, the dead hands from the ground, the evil spell meant to kill her great-grandmother? If that had been real, she should have been dead. Yet here she was, lying in bed as though it were only a nightmare.   
  
She rose from her futon and immediately felt nauseous. She cupped a hand over her mouth as her stomach rebelled, and managed not to make a mess. She swallowed the acidic bile and felt it burn its way back down her throat. She needed a glass of water.   
  
Stumbling dizzily out into the hall, Shampoo wondered what the hell was wrong with her. She felt terrible! Was she sick or something? She didn't remember getting sick, but if she was, it might explain that horrible dream she had had.   
  
"Great-grandmother? Great-grandmother!" She called in a horse voice, as her rubbery legs forced her to lean against the wall.   
  
The old woman rushed up the stairs immediately, coming to support Shampoo in her attempts to stand.   
  
"Shampoo, you should be back in bed."   
  
Dream or not, Shampoo was relieved to see her great-grandmother alive and well, she embraced the old woman fondly. "Oh Great-grandmother! Shampoo have too too horrible dream where you killed by evil witch! Shampoo so glad you okay!"   
  
Wilting slightly, the old woman gently stroked the girl's hair to comfort her. "It's alright Shampoo. I'm just fine, as you can see. You however, are not. Let me help you back into bed."  
  
As Shampoo stumbled back to her room, using Cologne's staff to support herself, she rasped painfully. "Can Shampoo ask Great-grandmother for glass of water? Throat very sore from almost throw up. Shampoo stomach no feel right. Head no feel right either."  
  
"Of course, Shampoo. I'll bring a glass right up. You just rest now."   
  
As soon as she had the girl lying down again, Cologne whisked out the door and was back in a moment with the water. Shampoo drank it down gratefully. Cologne moved a wastebasket next to her futon.   
  
"If you feel like you have to throw up again, use this. Don't fight it, just let it out."  
  
Shampoo nodded weakly. "Great-grandmother? Why Shampoo feel so sick? She no remember getting disease."   
  
Cologne took a deep breath to steel herself. "It's because you stood in front of the dark magic spell that was meant for me."  
  
Shampoo's eyes slowly grew wider as it sank in. "That no dream?"  
  
"No Shampoo. I'm afraid that was all very real."  
  
Frightened tears formed in the young girl's eyes. "Is Shampoo going to die? Feel like it."  
  
"No Shampoo, the spell didn't work like it was supposed to. You'll live a while yet. You should feel better tomorrow. Just relax and don't worry. Try to get some sleep."   
  
It never occurred to Shampoo to ask what her great-grandmother meant by 'a while yet'. She simply smiled in relief until something else occurred to her.   
  
"Great-grandmother? Where Ranma? What happen to Shampoo's Airen? Is he okay?"  
  
"Son-in-law is just fine, Shampoo. After you were hit with that damn spell, he carried you all the way back home in his arms. He seemed very worried about you." The old woman smiled meaningfully.  
  
Shampoo glowed. "Ranma worry for Shampoo?"  
  
Cologne couldn't help but grin. "That's right. He may be a stubborn idiot, but only a fool could not see that he cares for you. Take that happy thought and have nice dreams, Great-granddaughter. Don't give your airen any more cause to worry and go back to sleep."  
  
"Yes, Great-grandmother! Shampoo no worry Airen any more. Tomorrow, when feel better, go visit Ranma to show that she fine. Ranma be very happy, yes?"  
  
"He'll be relieved, so long as you don't throw up in his lap. Now GO TO SLEEP!" Cologne chuckled, as the girl finally lay back and closed her eyes, a smile on her face.   
  
Even dying from demonic possession, her bright-eyed great-granddaughter could put a smile on her face. It was some special child-like quality that she never seemed to outgrow. Cologne hoped she never did. She hoped even more that the poor girl would have a chance to become old and grey, and see that same light in the eyes of her own children and grandchildren. It seemed an empty hope now, but perhaps that would change. Toilet Duck had, as promised, called and left her number, so it appeared she would indeed do her best to find a cure. Cologne could only hope for her success.  
  
Hope was all she had left.   
  
***  
  
Elsewhere in Nerima, Ranma was sitting on the roof of the Tendou home, wondering what he should do.   
  
Three years of his life, to make Shampoo happy. He could spare that much time, certainly. Even with all the chaos and craziness the girl had brought him, he cared enough about her that he wanted her to be happy. And considering how little time she had left, it wasn't like he could expect her to get over him, find another guy, fall in love and be happy without him. It was either Ranma or three years of loneliness. Less if loneliness was one of the negative emotions that would make her life energy more palatable to the demon inside of her. So if he went with Shampoo to China, what was he supposed to say to his other fiancées?  
  
Ucchan would be heartbroken, no doubt about that. She was his closest friend and confidant, and making her cry was about the same level on his personal list of awful things to do as someone making Kasumi cry (which he was fairly sure was a sin the gods deemed worthy of an eternity in some of the nastier parts of hell).   
  
Akane would be furious. He'd be lucky to make it out of the house alive, much less the country. But would she be heartbroken too? Did she care about him that much? She'd be hurt, certainly, so that meant she cared a little bit, at least. Bottom line: he really didn't understand Akane's true feelings enough to gage her reaction.   
  
Kodachi would... hmm...   
  
Maybe he should just send Kodachi a letter explaining it all to her on the day before he left.   
  
Actually, maybe he could do that for all of them. That would certainly make it easier on him, but would that be fair either to Ukyou or to Akane? It seemed wrong somehow.   
  
On the other hand, every time he opened his mouth, he put his foot in it. Trying to explain such a delicate situation was bound to end in disaster. With a letter at least he could erase his mistakes and start over without being hit in the head with their preferred weapons.   
  
Yeah, letters were the way to go. It may not be the kindest way, or the most polite, but maybe he could manage to word it in a way that wouldn't leave them feeling like he'd betrayed them. Maybe...  
  
Okay then, so he was decided. He was going to go to China and marry Shampoo, live the life of her dreams beside her in the village. No more dithering or worrying! It was decided! Done deal!  
  
So why did he still feel so nervous?  
  
Shampoo was... she was always so bright and happy when she saw him. The moment he walked in the door to the Nekohanten to mooch a free bowl of ramen, her face would light up like Christmas (and then she would practically tackle him in the most embarrassing way, regardless of who else was around). She basically threw all her considerable affection his way whenever she saw him.   
  
She had tricked him several times to get his attention, like that pouch of Instant Nanniichuan, for example. He was dragged about by the nose on a day-long date, all for a cure that only worked once, and for only a few hours at that. Okay, so she was pretty clever and sneaky when she wanted him to pay attention to her. Was that so bad? All she wanted was an innocent (more or less) date. She'd never tried to trick him into bed or anything that would totally trap him.   
  
There was that reversal jewel incident, where he'd come this close to 'confessing his love' in front of countless witnesses, with the hopes that he would therefor be obligated to marry her. That turned out to be a complete accident, which Cologne had taken advantage of. It hadn't really been Shampoo's plan, though she did go along with it.   
  
Another one, which was all Shampoo's idea, was the Kairaishi hypnotic mushroom plan. Ranma had been fed tasty Chinese delicacies with the mushroom inside, and then Shampoo had attempted to plant a hypnotic suggestion for him to embrace her whenever she snapped her fingers. That had gone pretty horribly wrong, with a sneeze becoming the trigger, and his hugging *anyone* who sneezed! It *would* have been *that* week that both Kunou (brrr!) and Akane (ow!) caught colds, not to mention half the people in Nerima (or so it seemed to him as he tried to make his way home). Still, what had been Shampoo's goal? A hug. A (fairly) innocent show of affection from him for his airen.   
  
Airen. He was her airen, and she his, at least by the laws of the Joketsuzoku. They were the laws of her land, just as the laws of Japan were his. How much legal maneuvering room did that leave him, really? If he'd gotten married in England or Korea or America, could he really claim that the marriage was invalid just because he came back to Japan? Granted, the Amazon laws of marriage were pretty bizarre... but from her perspective?  
  
From the Amazon viewpoint, he was already as married to her as if he'd said 'I do'. So if he was already married to her, and yet he still had these other fiancées...   
  
Geez! He'd never really thought of it that way before. As the Amazons saw it, he was an unfaithful husband! Granted, he'd never in the first place acknowledged Shampoo as his wife (which was probably the only reason he hadn't been castrated yet) but he still wasn't doing right by her, as her... as her husband.   
  
Maybe he should have a talk with Cologne about the finer points of these Amazon laws, to find out exactly what his status was, but bottom line: he was a husband who was not honoring his wife as he should. Under Amazon laws, that probably meant Shampoo and Cologne had many options (few of them pleasant) for how to deal with him, but they hadn't done much more then their occasional attempts to convince him that she was the right one for her. That was pretty... merciful, all things considered.   
  
If Ranma had had a sister, and she had a husband who had married her under Japanese law, but had all these other fiancées, and refused to act like a proper husband to his wife, Ranma would probably kick the guy's ass six ways from Sunday. What had Cologne done?  
  
Taught him the powerful techniques that were considered secrets of the Amazon tribe, that's what.   
  
Ranma was really starting to feel like a heel.   
  
Shampoo loved him. No question. How exactly she'd come to that state when all he'd ever done is try to avoid her was beyond him, but she had.   
  
So how did he feel about her?  
  
Shampoo (when not trying to trick him into something) was kind, open, affectionate, and cheerful. The slightest compliment for a bowl of ramen she'd cooked for him would send her bouncing up and down with delight. She seemed to almost *live* for his approval of her. Never mind what bouncing up and down did to her unrestrained chest.   
  
Speaking of girls who didn't wear bras, his curse didn't seem to bother her at all. She'd be just as quick to hug him if he showed up at the Nekohanten female as male. It simply didn't matter to her. Boy or girl, he was Ranma. He was her airen.   
  
Not that he thought that way of thinking would follow them into the bedroom, but he had *NO* problems with that! In fact, he'd prefer if they never tried it that way. He didn't have any experience, but he figured it would seem pretty weird. The thought of being with a guy (in either body) made him physically ill; if Shampoo felt in any way similar, that was more than okay with him.   
  
Oh geez! That's right! If they were married for real, that meant they'd be having sex! Man! Now he felt twice as nervous! What was he supposed to do? He got the impression that other guys who'd lived normal lives had a better idea of the... er... methods than he did, at least judging by that skin rag Daisuke had smuggled into school that one time. Ranma had been too embarrassed to even look at it closely. But once he and Shampoo were officially married, he'd very quickly find himself in a situation where he'd be looking at *her* very closely. And not just looking either!  
  
He'd seen Shampoo in the buff before once or twice. She really wasn't the sort of girl that the word 'shy' applied to. Maybe it was because she was raised in this little village in the wilds of China, or maybe he was a special exception because he was her airen, but either way, Shampoo was happy to show him all she had to offer (regardless of his opinion on the matter).   
  
Yes, he remembered the first time seeing her naked, when the little pink and white cat had tackled him into the Tendou bath. As he sat there stuttering, his brain switching from one kind of fear to another, she'd burst out of the water and stood over him in all her naked glory, her full, perky breast bouncing. Then she'd glomped him, pressing her breasts against his chest, ecstatic about confirming him to be a man that changed into a girl, and not the other way round. He'd at least had a towel tied around his waist. She had not, and when she jumped up, her violet pubic hair had been about level with his nose. If he'd been Ryouga, he'd probably have had a fatal hemorrhage in his nose and bled to death before he had the opportunity to drown in the bathtub.   
  
She had been stunning (literally) then, and she'd had another year to grow. They were both 17 now, and her figure, which was always clearly outlined in her tight silk outfits, had grown even more spectacular. He realized now that the main reason she dressed that way was to catch his eye, and he'd never really appreciated it either.   
  
Moving above the neck, to places he could think about without his face feeling so warm, Shampoo's face was adorable. She had big bright eyes that lit up when she saw him, a cute little nose, and full warm lips always ready to smile (and to kiss him, he suspected, but no point in getting ahead of himself). Her hair was thick, long and soft, framing her face beautifully.   
  
Bringing it all together, if you'd asked him who he really wanted to marry, Ranma really didn't have an answer (hey! He was only 17!) but if you asked him which of his fiancées was the cutest, the sexiest, then, now that he'd thought about it, he would have to answer Shampoo (after a quick glance around him to make sure no tomboys or best friends overheard).  
  
Ranma sighed. So then, he was going to marry Shampoo.  
  
That didn't feel right. He tried again.  
  
Ranma smiled. So then, he was going to marry Shampoo.  
  
That was better. He even found the smile staying on his face for quite some time. He was going to marry Shampoo!  
  
The smile fell after a while as he remembered what else that would mean.  
  
Ranma sighed. He was going to write a few letters.  
  
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End of Chapter one.   
  
I literally have dozens and dozens of story ideas hidden away here in my hard drive, and the ones that seem most popular are my lemons.   
  
This doesn't mean I can only write lemons, and this story is not intended to be one. Perhaps I'll feel inclined to describe Ranma and Shampoo's first time in graphic detail, but I doubt it.   
  
And if there was actually anyone offended by some of the more 'uncovered' descriptions in Ranma's meandering line of thought near the end:  
  
1) I apologize.  
2) Get a life.  
3) If you could see what goes through the mind of a *normal* 17 year-old guy, you'd probably feint.  
  
And if anyone wants to point out timeline inconsistencies, like "Ranma learns this technique then, so he wouldn't know about this event until..."  
  
1) I *don't* apologize. And I hate you, because if I'd remembered, I would have done it right the first time.   
2) Get a life.   
3) If you're worried about all the things that supposedly should come before this story starts, then what about all the things that are supposed to come after? Do you still expect a failed wedding to Akane? A near-death experience for her atop Phoenix Mountain with Ranma crying out that he loves her? Not in this story, I'm afraid. Ranma/Akane is one of my least favorite match-ups, right after Ranma/Kodachi. I just don't see it as being a workable relationship in any way except how Takahashi-sama wrote it (even then...) and it's fairly safe to say that that's been done.   
  
If you *really* care about the timeline, then I'll say this much. Konatsu is here and working at the Ucchan, but the above mentioned events either haven't happened, or never happened. Ranma's met his mother, but she doesn't know about his curse yet. I don't care if that all works together in the canon timeline or not. I don't see how it's relevant to *my* story.  
  
Anyone else, please don't hesitate to Email me at:  
hinoron@hotmail.com  
I'd love to hear your thoughts and opinions, even if you're *totally* wrong! ^_^  
  
Oh yes, one more thing. I'm sure at least one person will Email me and try to tell me that 'airen' means 'husband', not wife. I'm afraid that's not true. Ask anyone who grew up speaking Mandarin (I did... ask, that is). Airen literally means one's lover, and can be used to fondly refer to either a wife or a husband. I consider it synonymous with 'beloved', but I can't confirm it that far. I study Japanese, not Chinese.   
  
Next time on SotGG: (it's a long title to type out every time; so sue me!)  
Ranma decides to write a letter to his mother before he leaves, letting her know he intends to leave the country. How much should he tell her about his training trip and the chaos of Nerima?  
Plus: Hilarious antics at the wedding of Ranma and Shampoo. Not exactly what you're probably thinking of, but fun all the same!  
  
Ja na!  
  
-Ron Hino 


	2. Chapter 2

Sins of the Great-grandmothers  
Chapter Two  
By Ron Hino  
  
  
Ranma 1/2 is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi. She has made lots and lots of money off it, and I'm not making a penny. Damn shame too.  
  
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Ranma sighed as he sat at the small table he'd borrowed and brought up to his room for some privacy. He had to write letters to all his other fiancées to explain why he was leaving for China with Shampoo. Unfortunately, he found himself as lost for words as when he spoke to them in person. It didn't help that he pretty much sucked at anything that involved holding a writing implement in his hands. His grades in school were terrible, and he knew it.   
  
He had three letters to write; one to Akane, one to Ukyou, and yes, even one to Kodachi. He supposed he could write goodbye letters to his father and Kasumi, but they could just as easily read the one he'd give to Akane. He'd have to remember to thank Kasumi for taking care of him all this time in Akane's letter. Wouldn't do to forget that. He owed the older Tendou sister too much.   
  
Hang on. There was one more person he wanted to say goodbye to. Maybe he should start with that one.   
  
  
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Dear Mother,  
This is the first time I've written you, and I'm sorry I've never done it before. My only excuse is that after growing up knowing only my father (who never mentioned you, the bastard!) I sort of forgot about you, and when I was older and did think about my mother (I was pretty sure I had to have one at some point) I assumed you were dead. I'm really sorry about all that, but I was only a kid, I didn't know to ask.   
Only when you visited the Tendou's, where I've been staying, did I ever realize that I had a living mother. That made me very happy, even if I couldn't see you in person. I think I spent hours asking the girls every little thing about you.   
This is also when I found out about the Seppuku pledge.   
I... don't really know what to say about that, except that Pop's an idiot for ever promising such a thing. Be a man among men or never see my mother again, and kill myself if I do? It seems a high price to pay, and a difficult ideal to match. I am a man, and a great martial artist, but can I ever be good enough to match the dream of me you must have in your head? Cutting my belly open is a serious thing to risk if I in any way fall short of your expectations.   
I don't mean to sound accusing. I really don't blame you for that stupid promise. It was Pop's dumb idea, and he's had a lot of dumb ideas over the years. Maybe I should tell you some of them.  
I think you know about this already, but way back when I was a baby, or even before that, I'm not sure, Pop and Mr. Tendou decided to engage their children so that the two schools of Anything Goes Martial Arts would be forever joined in matrimony. I often wonder how much they were drinking when they came up with this. I was 16 when that fat idiot (Pop, I mean. I don't know if he was thin back when he lived with you) suddenly up and tells me that I'm engaged to this girl I've never met, two blocks from their house no less! You can believe I wasn't happy about this. He actually had to knock me out cold and carry me all the way to the Tendou place.   
Akane wasn't too thrilled with the idea either, and we've been fighting and arguing since the first day we met. Sometimes, just sometimes, I get the feeling that she likes me more than she lets on, but those times are few and far between. If we ever did get married, it would be a marriage with lots of yelling and screaming and insults and me being hit in the head by heavy objects.   
I guess I shouldn't talk about her behind her back like this, so I'll just stop. I'm about to hurt her feelings, I think, so I should be nicer. I'll tell you about that in a minute.  
Let's see, who showed up next? Oh right, Shampoo. Definitely gotta tell you about her. I'll have to go back a month or so before we arrived at the Tendou's and tell you how I first met her. Pop and me were wandering through China training and came upon this village deep in the mountains, called Nhu Che Zhu. It was a village of warrior women, and they were having a tournament. It was the first village we'd come across in a while, so we were starving. Pop sees this big table full of food and points it out to me, so we sit down and start stuffing our faces. Turns out this food was supposed to be the prize for the tournament winner. I guess this time it was as much my fault as Pop's, seeing how I sat down and started munching away without ever noticing the sign that said 'First Prize'. Anyway this cute girl with long purple hair wins the tournament and then looks over at her prize, to see   
  
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Ranma caught himself and vigorously scribbled over the words 'a girl and a panda', cursing himself for his stupidity. He spent some time making sure that the words were totally obscured, even turning the paper over to check that it couldn't be made out from the other side. Sighing, he continued.   
  
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to see us eating it. She was understandably pissed off. So after getting a few translations from our guide, I offered to fight her for the championship. I figured if I won, then the food me and Pop ate was mine, right?  
The girl, whose name I learned later was Shampoo (don't laugh, it was a weird village) was pretty good, but she'd been fighting all day and I'd seen most of her moves already by watching her. I knocked her off the log we were fighting on with one kick. As the referee was lifting up my hand (and boy, you never seen such a pissed-off audience in your life! NO ONE was happy to see an outsider win *their* tournament) Shampoo gets up and kisses me on the cheek. I was kinda surprised, so I just stood there. Then our guide freaks out and starts yelling about how this was the 'Kiss of Death' and how Shampoo just promised to chase me to the ends of the Earth and kill me. Now I knew I was better than her, but I'm not about to fight a girl to the death, no matter how good she is. Actually, I don't think I'd ever wanna fight anybody to the death. I'm just not that sort of guy. So we took off running instead.   
After chasing us all across China, we eventually lost her when we left the country and came back to Japan. We didn't see her again for about a month, but she hadn't given up! After a lot more running around, things sort of sorted themselves out a bit and I found out that she really wanted to marry me instead of killing me. Apparently the guide goofed. What she gave me was the Kiss of Life, a pledge of marriage. They've got these weird laws in that village that say if a male outsider defeats an Amazon, she's gotta marry him. Something about bringing strong warrior bloodlines into the tribe, or something. Sure she was swinging weapons at me! She was ticked off that I'd basically run away and left her at the alter! She wanted to kick my ass as punishment, not kill me.   
  
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Ranma paused and read that part over. It told the important parts, but it didn't give too much away. It would have to do. He couldn't afford to be more honest with his mother. It made him kind of sad.  
  
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Once everybody was on the same page, however, she became this incredibly affectionate girl who was always hugging me and stuff. She didn't speak much Japanese, but she got her point across with a Japanese translation of her village laws and one heck of a kiss or two. Naturally, Akane got jealous as hell, and Shampoo tried to kill her ('obstacle to her marriage', she said). I stopped her of course, and nowadays, she's less quick to pull out the sharp things, but she's never given up on having me as her husband. Not even for a minute. She really is a nice girl, it's just that she throws herself completely into whatever she does, so she comes off as being a little crazy. I'm just starting to figure this out now. I misjudged her for a long time.   
I guess that's more than enough to tell you about Shampoo, but I really think you should know who she is before I tell you about what's happening now. I'll get to that soon, I hope. This is becoming the longest letter I've ever written in my life, not that I write a lot.  
I was supposed to be telling you about Pop being an idiot, so let me tell you about another stunt he pulled.   
When I was six, we actually stayed in one place long enough for me to make a friend. Her name was Ukyou Kuonji, and she was the daughter of a guy who owned an Okonomiyaki cart. Because she was always dressed up in an Okonomiyaki seller's outfit, and because she was raised alone by her father and talked like he did, I never figured out that she was a girl. I thought she was a boy. She just sort of assumed I knew. We had great fun playing together, and Ucchan was the best friend I ever had. Still is, really.   
Now, while we were off playing, Pops and Mr. Kunoji were talking about how well we got along. Mr. Kunoji says that he doesn't know a thing about girls, and that it's really hard to raise Ucchan all by himself. He was worried she'd turn out so much like a guy that she'd never find a husband. So he asks Pop if he'd consider engaging me to Ucchan and taking her along with us. Pop says sorry, but he's already arranged a marriage for me. Mr. Kuonji says that's too bad, because he was going to give away his Okonomiyaki cart as her dowry. Pop only thinks with his stomach (you must know, you married the idiot!) so he says he changed his mind and off we go with the Okonomiyaki cart and Ukyou. We'd barely gone a block when Pop sticks me on top of the cart and takes off with it running as fast as he can. Ucchan chased after us crying. He left her there in the gutter. A six year-old girl all by herself, who he'd promised to take care of, and the bastard just leaves her there!   
Me? I was six. I had no clue what was going on. I just thought we were moving on again. I waved goodbye to Ucchan. I was so sad to be leaving my best and only friend, I think I was crying. I know Ucchan was. She tried to run after us but tripped and fell in the mud. That was the last I saw of her for a long time.   
Ten years later, Ukyou shows up here in Nerima seeking revenge on us both, which was when I finally found out about this engagement deal Pop worked out behind my back. That was an ugly scene, especially since I still thought she was a boy (a boy with a very cute face mind you, but I don't think about such things). Turns out that she was so humiliated at being left in the gutter while her fiancé ran off with her dowry, that she gave up being a girl entirely. She bound her breasts down and dressed like a guy, all because of my stupid father.   
Eventually I convinced her we could be friends again. I even told her that she was cute. You know, to help her regain confidence in her femininity again, or something like that. I might have been going overboard when I said I'd rather be engaged to a cute girl like her than an uncute tomboy like Akane (particularly since Akane was within earshot) but at least she stopped trying to kill me with that giant spatula of hers (don't ask). She kinda took that to mean that I wanted to marry her, so now I had three fiancées. That really wasn't what I had in mind, but considering how bad she took it when she was 'rejected' by Pop ten years earlier, I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't interested.   
Over the next several months, I tried to be her best friend again, like when we were little. That worked out pretty good. I still call her Ucchan, and she calls me Ranchan. Unfortunately, she still really wants to marry me, and I just love having my best friend around again. She's a really good friend too, someone you can count on to be there for you no matter what. She opened a restaurant in Nerima called the Ucchan, and makes the best okonomiyaki I've ever tasted.   
Now for the biggest mistake Pop's ever made, as if the rest weren't bad enough. When I was 8 years old, he read this training manual of forbidden techniques of the Anything Goes system. Having learned at least one of them myself, I can tell you that there's a damn good reason why they're forbidden! But does that occur to Pop for even a second? Hell no! He didn't even read the part of the manual that explained *why* the technique was banned!  
He trained me in a technique called the Cat-fist. It's... really hard to write this down, I can't even think about it without shuddering, but I'll try. If my handwriting gets worse halfway through, it's because my hand's shaking too much.   
The first step in the training manual is to dig a deep pit, and fill it with cats. Then you starve the cats for a few days. After that, you wrap the trainee in fish sausages, and throw him into the pit. Cover it up so that it's completely dark inside and there's no way for me... I mean for the trainee to escape.  
The CatS cLAw and BiTe and ScartCH and teAR and_____  
\  
\  
Sorry. Had to go lie down for a minute.  
The idea is that if you throw the trainee into the pit enough times (he did it to me 6 times) the trainee automatically learns the Cat-fist, and I did. It really is a powerful technique, if you can make it work. There's also a side effect on the next page that Pop didn't bother to read. Ailurophobia: complete and totally uncontrollable fear of cats. They are the monsters in my nightmares. Have been since that day, and will be until I die.   
Anyway, the way the technique works is that I have to be exposed to cats, without any way to escape (and believe me, given the choice I'll run screaming as far away from the horrible beasts as I can), until my fear grows so powerful that the only way to escape it is to become a cat myself. I go into a trance and act like a cat; fight like one too, which is the whole point. I don't remember a thing when I'm under, but Akane's told me about it. I ripped apart whole trees with razor-sharp claws formed from invisible ki, bounded about with enhanced speed, strength and agility; so in some ways, it really is a powerful technique. However, there's no way anyone can control what I do when I'm a cat, so it's really dangerous to any bystanders. The only way I can snap out of it is if someone I really trust calms me down. I take a little cat-nap on their lap and wake up normal.   
I don't think anyone was surprise when my cat-self proved completely distrustful of Pop when he tried to bring me out of it. He's still got some scars.  
Good.  
Uh... It just occurred to me that having a fear like this might count as making me less manly. You don't think that, do you? I mean, I've got one hell of a good reason for it, and it's not like there's anything else I'm afraid of. I even used it *on purpose* once to win a match against an opponent I couldn't beat any other way. How's that for facing one's fears? Well... I guess all I can do is tell you and hope you understand.   
There's lots of other things Pop's done. I think he sold me for food like he did to Ukyou's father about a half-dozen times (that I know of), and he continues to prove what an idiot he is on an almost daily basis.   
About the only thing good I can say about him is that he taught me to be the best martial artist of my generation. I am fast, strong, agile, and I can learn new techniques and adapt to my opponent's strategy faster than anyone I know, and believe me, I know a lot of fighters. When you're the best, you don't have to go to them; they come to you.   
There's one more, very important screw-up of Pop's that I'm afraid I can't tell you about. His recklessness earned me a... condition... while we were in China that calls into question whether or not I meet the standards of that Man-among-men seppuku pledge. It's a superficial thing, really, and most people who know me (and ALL of my fiancées) would agree that I am very much a man-among-men despite of it. However, at first glance, it doesn't leave a very good impression of my manliness. That's why I haven't come to see you. Pop won't let me. He's terrified that if you find out about this little thing then he'd be on his knees with a knife in his hand before he can talk his way out of it. Visit the Tendous as many times as you like. He'll vanish the second he hears your voice in order to avoid explaining himself. He usually drags me along too.   
I don't really want to avoid you. In fact I hate it! I want to see my mother! I want her to see me! I want her to be proud of me, as I know she would be if she got the chance to really get to know me.   
But I can't risk it. I'm sorry but I just can't. If it were just my own life, honor and happiness on the line, I could do it if I had to, but there are too many other people who would be hurt by my death. I have too many responsibilities to them, and debts of honor that I must fulfill. I just can't risk you not understanding, and invoking the seppuku pledge.   
Please don't think that this means I hate you, or that I don't want to see you. I do, desperately, but unless I can somehow find a cure for my condition (which I repeat is all Pop's fault) I just can't risk it while the seppuku pledge still stands.  
I'm sorry.  
There's one more thing that has come up recently that I want to tell you about. Shampoo, the girl I mentioned earlier, to whom I am technically already married by the strange laws of her village, is dying. They say she has at best three years to live, probably less if we can't keep her thinking positively, and I'm going to spend the last of her time on this Earth together with her, as her true husband, in all they ways I can. I want her to be happy for the little time she has left, and that's something I can do.   
Pop trained me to fight and didn't teach me much else. All these amazing skills I have, and all they do is hurt people. Deserving people, of course, or at least I try to keep it that way, but still all I seem to do is make people unhappy. Now I can make someone truly happy, for the first time in my life.   
I'm marrying Shampoo for real and going to China to live with her in her village, for as long as she's alive. I won't be taking Pop with me, so he'll still be living at the Tendou's, not that you're likely to be able to catch him there. I can't tell you how he hides, but I can give you a small hint. The panda belongs to us, and we usually take it with us when we go on *real* training trips. So if the Panda's there, then Pop was there until recently, and will probably come back once you leave. I don't know what you can do with that information, but maybe it will help. I'm sorry I can't do more.   
When Shampoo dies... I don't know exactly what I'm going to do. Will Ukyou, or even that tomboy Akane, wait for me that long? Will I even want to get married again after spending three years as Shampoo's husband?  
I don't know. I really don't. When I write them their goodbye letters, which I'm going to try to after I finish this, I don't know what I should say; that I plan to come back to them, or if this is goodbye forever. Even if I do come back, I can only marry one of them, and hurt the other. So do I really want them to hang on to me while I spend three years married to another woman in another country? That could keep them from finding their own happiness, which I might never be able to give them.   
I wish you were here to give me advice. I wish you'd been here with me my whole life. I could have used a mother very badly growing up, and I have a feeling you would have been a good one. My father is a liar, a cheat, a thief and an idiot. All that's good in me had to come from somewhere.   
I love you Mom. I may not know you, and you may not know me, but I love you all the same. I'll try to send you more letters from China if I get the chance.   
Farewell.   
-Ranma  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Ranma wiped away tears as he finished the letter, setting it aside. Guys shouldn't cry. He'd had to go back and rewrite parts a few times to explain things in a way that both made sense, and didn't give away his curse.   
  
It was getting quite late, and he should probably go to sleep. The panda would be coming upstairs soon, and he'd want to know what Ranma was writing.  
  
He hid the letter and lay down on his futon, trying to sleep. He could mail the letter tomorrow, once he looked up her address in a phone book. There was no need to save *this* letter until the last minute.   
  
He'd write the other letters tomorrow.   
  
***  
  
The next morning, Ranma left early, claiming he had an errand to run before school. Nabiki and Akane were immediately suspicious (remember what Ranma's poker skills are like) but he was off and over the rooftops before they could get up from the breakfast table.   
  
He went straight to the Nekohanten, to find Cologne out front perched on the very top of her staff, hanging up the cloth sign that indicated they were open for business. He helped her lift the other end. She nodded her thanks.   
  
"Welcome Son-in-law. I had a feeling you'd drop by this morning. I even sent Mousse out on an errand so that he wouldn't make a nuisance of himself. We should have about another 20 minutes if you'd like to come in for a cup of tea, or even a breakfast ramen if you haven't eaten yet."  
  
He smiled sadly at her. "No, old gh- er... I mean, Great-grandmother. I ate. But I'd like to talk to you privately for a bit if you don't mind."  
  
The old woman chuckled. "Finally some manners out of you. Come on in."  
  
Ranma sat down at a table waited while Cologne brought them both tea.   
  
"So how's Shampoo?" He asked before she even sat down. She smiled. He was worried about her. That was promising.  
  
"She's still sleeping. She got up last night, but felt sick to her stomach when she tried to move. She should be much better this morning, after giving her body more time to recover."  
  
Ranma nodded, playing nervously with his teacup. "So have you told her yet?"  
  
Cologne shook her head. "When she first woke up, she thought it had all been a dream. I told her that the spell hadn't worked properly, and that she would be fine by this morning."  
  
Ranma snorted. "Yeah, it was a misfire, all right. She was aiming at you." He grumbled.  
  
"Do you think, Son-in-law, that I am at all happy with that outcome? Do you believe that if there had been the slightest opportunity for me to move my Great-granddaughter out of the way, and take the blast myself, that I would not have?" She asked solemnly.   
  
Ranma looked guiltily up at her. "Sorry. I just hate that this happened to Shampoo."  
  
Cologne nodded. "I am old. I have lived a long and full life. And while there are a few things I would still like to see before I die, I would happily take Shampoo's place if I could. She is young. Her life is only just starting, or at least that's how it should be."  
  
Ranma nodded. He felt his throat closing up with emotion. He gulped the rest of his tea to ease the feeling. "Let's talk about something else." He requested.   
  
Cologne nodded. "Very well. I don't mean to press you, Son-in-law, but have you given any more thought to my recent request?"  
  
Ranma smiled sadly. "Yeah, I have. In fact-"  
  
"Aiya! Ranma come see Shampoo!" A gleeful cry came from the back stairs. Ranma stood up as a bouncing bundle of beautiful Amazon pounced on him in a full Amazon Glomp(tm).   
  
He stood frozen for a moment as Shampoo nuzzled him, then he hesitantly put his arms around her.   
  
Cologne raised an eyebrow, while Shampoo blinked in surprise.   
  
"Ranma... Ranma hug Shampoo back?"  
  
Ranma smiled gently. "Yeah, I am." He said, almost marveling at it himself. "I'm really happy that you're feeling better, Shampoo. How do you feel?"   
  
Shampoo squeezed him excitedly. "Shampoo feel too too much better now that Airen come to see her. Shampoo good as new!"  
  
"That's great!" Ranma grinned sincerely. "In that case, there's something important I have to tell you."  
  
Shampoo released him and stood back a bit, smiling beautifully. This conversation had gotten of to an excellent start, with Ranma hugging her for the first time without the aid of hypnotism. She was certain that whatever he had to say *couldn't* be bad news!  
  
Ranma reached forward and took both her hands in his. "Shampoo, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Yesterday, you almost died, and I've never been so scared in my life. I don't want to feel that way ever again. What I'm saying... is that I'd like to marry you, Shampoo. Not just by the laws of your homeland, but by the laws of mine, so that we both know it's real. Then I want to come back to your village and live with you. Is... is that alright with you Shampoo?"  
  
There was a long pause, during which Ranma finally looked up from their joined hands, and saw that Shampoo's eyes had taken up 90% of her face. He big-sweated.  
  
"Uh... Shampoo?"  
  
Shampoo's eyes rolled up into the back of her head and she tipped backward like a felled tree.   
  
"SHAMPOO!" Ranma cried in fear as he jumped forward and caught her before she could hit the floor. He lowered her gently to the ground and began lightly slapping her face in an attempt to wake her.   
  
"Shampoo! Are you okay? Shampoo!"  
  
He turned angrily at Cologne, who was laughing so hard she was having difficulty remaining in her chair.   
  
"Dammit, you old ghoul! Quit laughing and help me! You think this is funny?"  
  
"Oh yes, Son-in-law! I certainly do!" The old woman chuckled.   
  
"ARE YOU CRAZY! THAT DEMON THING IS-"   
  
"Oh calm down Son-in-law. This has nothing to do with her possession. Her body has already recovered from its shock. Shampoo has merely feinted from a completely different type of shock."  
  
"What do you mean?" Ranma asked warily.  
  
Cologne grinned at him. "She's become so used to you running away from her, that the thought of you running toward her sort of... blew her away."  
  
Ranma blinked, then blushed. "Oh... I guess I have been sort of a jerk to her, haven't I?"  
  
Cologne smirked. "Yes, Son-in-law, you have, but don't fear that she won't forgive you. When she wakes up, she's going to be the happiest girl in Japan!"  
  
"Ah... right." Ranma blushed a bit more.   
  
Shampoo was already beginning to stir. Since her head was rolled back, the first thing she saw was her great-grandmother, grinning down at her from her chair.   
  
"Oh, Great-grandmother. Shampoo have nice dream. She dream Ranma come say he want marry her and go back to village with her."  
  
"Don't look now, Great-granddaughter, but your dream is by your feet."  
  
Shampoo lifted her head to see Ranma kneeling there, scratching his head in embarrassment. "Uh... hi."  
  
Shampoo blinked a few times, then sat up abruptly and wrapped her arms around Ranma, squeezing him incredibly hard. "Ranma! Is true? You love Shampoo and want marry? Really really true?"  
  
"Ack. Yeah I do Shampoo, really really, but could you loosen your grip a bit?" He wheezed.   
  
Shampoo shrieked in joy, and then demonstrated that she *had* been trying to learn Japanese by shouting "BANZAI!" and tackling Ranma to the ground. She grabbed his head in both hands and kissed him with all the passion she could muster (which, judging by the steam coming out from Ranma's collar, was quite a bit).  
  
For Ranma's part, he was completely startled by the kiss, but after a moment's hesitation, he began to kiss back.   
  
A group of the Nekohanten's three morning regulars came in, stopping to gawk at the couple entwined on the floor.   
  
"Uh... should we come back later?" One of them asked Cologne with a sheepish grin.   
  
Cologne laughed merrily. "Not at all, my friends. In fact, join us in celebration! I'll bring out some Champaign. My great-granddaughter has just accepted young Ranma's proposal of marriage!"  
  
The men grinned, happy to share in the joy of their favorite cute waitress.   
  
"That's some acceptance speech!" One of the men chuckled.   
  
"Yeah, long speech too." Another grinned as they all took a glass of Champaign.   
  
"Hmm. Yes indeed." Cologne frowned, poking at the pair with her staff. "Come on you two, break it up. We have customers here."  
  
Shampoo reluctantly released Ranma, sitting up on his lap. "Tee hee! Shampoo sorry. Is just so happy!"  
  
On of the men crouched down by Ranma's head. "So boy, what's the verdict on your new bride?"  
  
"Whoa..." Ranma muttered, a silly grin on his face.   
  
All the men snickered, and the crouching one gave Shampoo a thumbs-up. "Well done, Shampoo-chan! Try not to kill the poor guy on your wedding night."   
  
Shampoo blushed and giggled.   
  
"Well then," another of the men said, lifting his glass. "To the happy couple!"  
  
All who were standing raised their glasses as well. "To the happy couple!"  
  
There are certain times in life, when near-total strangers can be your best friends. This was one of those times.  
  
***  
  
It took some time to calm Shampoo down enough so that the three of them could discuss their plans.   
  
"Shampoo, you know I've promised to marry you and go back to China with you," Ranma was saying seriously, "but we can't leave just yet. I've got to write some letters to give to Akane, Ukyou and Kodachi, then figure out a way to leave without a big fuss. You know every single person in that house would try to stop me... Ukyou and Kodachi too. So I'm asking, just for a few days, could we keep this just between us?"   
  
"Why you care what other girls think?" Shampoo pouted, then frowned as a headache seemed to come out of nowhere.   
  
Cologne saved Ranma from a very awkward moment. "Now Shampoo, be at ease. Your husband is a kind man. Those other girls care about him a great deal, and the entanglements of his fool father give them every right to try and keep him here. Let him try to ease his way out of their lives with a minimum of friction.   
Ranma has chosen you. Not any of them, but *you*. The battle is won, and there is nothing to be gained by rubbing your victory in their faces. You have no need to feel jealous of them any more. Allow your husband the time he needs to come to you without anything holding him back. You can trust him, can't you? Besides, we will need some time to make our own arrangements to return to China as well."   
  
Shampoo beamed happily again, the headache faded away. "Hai! Shampoo trust her Airen! You say goodbye to other girls, make them not so sad, then Shampoo make you feel better about hurting other girl's feelings." She grinned.   
  
Cologne mused that Ranma was probably fortunate that he had no idea how Shampoo intended to make him 'feel better'. Ah, to be young and naïve again... It was fun to get surprises!   
  
Ranma smiled at her sadly. "Thank you Shampoo. I'll probably need your help feeling better. This is going to be hard."  
  
"But you're not really going to say goodbye, are you Son-in-law?" Cologne said. "You're planning to leave them letters and then disappear into the night, correct?"  
  
Ranma rubbed his head guiltily. "I can't really think of any other way to do it. There's no way they'd willingly let me go."   
  
Cologne nodded. "I understand, Ranma. I only worry that you are starting to show your father's influence."  
  
Ranma winced. "Geez, I hope not. Pop wouldn't even have bothered to leave a letter explaining why he had to go. He'd just take off and never think twice about the pain he was causing. I wish I could explain it to Ukyou and Akane to their faces, but I'm always putting my foot in my mouth. At least with a letter, I can be sure they'll hear me out without clobbering me half-way though."   
  
Cologne nodded. "True enough. Now, what shall we do about Mousse?"  
  
"Aiya... Mousse no be happy about this. He try to stop us. Then when he fail, he get Tendous and others to help him. He no give up. Not until he dead. He stubborn like that."  
  
"Please tell me you're not planning to kill him!" Ranma pleaded.   
  
Shampoo shook her head. "No. No want Mousse to die. Mousse is from same village, grow up with him, even if he big pain. If Mousse find nice girl who like him and be happy, than Shampoo be happy for him. Only Mousse so crazy on Shampoo, is no way that ever happen!"  
  
"Oh, I think I might be able to arrange something." Cologne smirked slyly. "I would not enjoy telling Elder Deodorant that I killed her grandson merely for being a nuisance either. Let me just see what I have in my cabinet of potions."  
  
"Maybe you could try that Xai Fang Gao thing on him, erase his memory of Shampoo." Ranma suggested.   
  
"Great-grandmother?" Shampoo looked at the old woman questioningly.   
  
"I'm afraid not, Son-in-law, though it was a good idea. Unfortunately, Mousse's obsession with Shampoo runs too deep to erase that way. He has dedicated his entire life to pursuing her since the age of three. If we wipe her from his mind, then he is in a position where his entire life had been lived without purpose. His mind will not accept that, and eventually, he will overpower the Xai Fang Gao, much as Akane Tendou did, though through, ahem, different motivations."   
  
Cologne rose from her seat and wandered into the kitchen. "No, we shall have to dull his obsession with Shampoo, and nudge him toward another girl. Preferably one who might return his affections. I shall study my recipes and see what I can come up with. You two should begin thinking about who the lucky young lady should be."  
  
"Aiya... Who girl Shampoo know who deserve stupid Mousse?" She frowned cutely in concentration.   
  
"Let's not make this a revenge thing." Ranma counseled. "We need a girl who would want to be paid attention to with the same persistence that Mousse went after you. Otherwise, it won't work at all, unless you drug her too."  
  
Shampoo wracked her brain. "Who good match for totally obsessed boy?"  
  
Ranma thought as well. Suddenly they both looked up, lightning inspiration having struck the same place twice.   
  
"Kodachi!" They cried together.  
  
"Yeah!" Ranma said eagerly. "She's almost as obsessive as him, and you know she'd love having him hanging on her every whim."  
  
Shampoo nodded. "Is good choice. Kodachi kind of girl who play games to keep him interested, even if she really want him bad!"  
  
"Oh wait." Ranma paused, frowning. "How are we gonna get her into Mousse? She's totally fixated on me."  
  
"Leave that to me, Son-in-law." Cologne said confidently, returning from the kitchen. "Her fixation is more fickle. The Xia Fang Gao plus a little well-timed passion spice should be all that one needs. And once the spice wears off, she'll already be in a relationship with him. Inertia should carry her through. Now, you should be getting to school. Mousse will be returning soon."  
  
Ranma got up from the table. "Right."  
  
"Ranma wait!" Shampoo cried, jumping up and catching him by the sleeve as he moved toward the door.  
  
"What is it?"   
  
She smiled shyly (Shampoo shy? Stranger things have happened!)  
  
"Husband give Shampoo kiss goodbye?"  
  
Ranma chuckled, scratching the back of his head nervously. "Sure."   
  
This time, Shampoo stood still, letting him take the initiative. This didn't last long, for as soon as he took her by the shoulders and pressed his lips gently to hers, she grabbed him by the head and began to explore his tonsils with her tongue. Ranma matched her intensity, and it soon became apparent to Cologne that it was only the lack of a handy bed that was keeping the wedding night from arriving early. She smacked both of them on the head with her staff.  
  
"Enough already! Mousse will be here any second, and if he catches you two doing that, all hell's going to break loose long before we're ready for it!"   
  
The teenagers sheepishly parted. Ranma had that same goofy grin on his face, as he wobbled on unsteady legs out the door. "I could get used to this!"   
  
"Shampoo think you have to!" She giggled as she waved goodbye to him. When she turned around, she found her legs were almost as bad as his.   
  
"Ooooh! Kissing make Shampoo dizzy!"  
  
"Try taking the time to breathe now and then." Cologne chuckled, shaking her head in amusement.   
  
Teenagers!  
  
***  
  
Two days later, Ranma was walking home from school with Akane, as he usually did. Cologne had reminded him to keep his usual routine to avoid raising suspicions.   
  
The pair stopped as Kodachi bounded across the rooftops above them in full leotard, laughing maniacally as she usually did. Ranma and Akane set themselves to run, but the crazed gymnast didn't give either of them a second glance, bounding across the space above them in a graceful leap.   
  
Mousse came bounding after her. "Kodachi, my love! Wait for me!"  
  
"OHOHOHOHOHOHO! Come and catch me if you can, my little Chinese studmuffin!"  
  
Ranma and Akane big-sweated as the pair passed out of sight.   
  
"What the hell was *that* all about?" Akane stammered.   
  
"Uh... I don't know."  
  
"Then why are you grinning like that?" She asked suspiciously.   
  
"Well..." he stammered, thinking fast. "It looks as though I've finally got Kodachi off my back. Plus they seem to be happy, so no one's gonna get mad at me over it. It's a nice change, I'll tell ya!" Not to mention, that was one letter he wouldn't have to bother delivering.  
  
Akane rolled her eyes. "I guess so..."  
  
When they arrived home, P-chan met Akane at the door with a squeal.   
  
"P-chan!" Akane cried happily, scooping him up into her arms. "You're back! I'm so happy! Things are getting weird around here. You'll never guess what I just saw on the rooftops a few minutes ago..."  
  
As Akane wandered upstairs to her room to chat with her pet, Ranma stood in the hall watching them go. He rubbed his chin thoughtfully.   
  
***  
  
That night, as the ever watchful P-chan stood guard over the sleeping Akane (read: she was thrashing around so much that there was no way he could sleep) her bedroom window slid open quietly. P-chan perked up and immediately assumed a defensive position in front of Akane. Only two people would be trying to sneak into Akane's room through the window. One was Happosai, to steal Akane's underwear, and the other was Ranma. What Ranma intended by sneaking into her room was something P-chan didn't want to contemplate, but no matter who it was, they wouldn't be doing what they liked in Akane's room if he had anything to say about it!  
  
Ranma peeked his head in and glanced from Akane to the growling pig. "Good. You're awake. Come're for a sec, I wanna talk with you about something."  
  
P-chan gave him a wary look.   
  
"Come on! I'm not gonna boot you over the wall or nothin'! I just wanna talk with you about Akane. Don't give me that look! You might even like hearing this."  
  
Hesitantly, and with no more than the bare minimum of trust he could stand to afford his hated rival, P-chan came over to the window and jumped up into Ranma's outstretched hand.   
  
Ranma gripped the pudgy piglet like a football (okay, so he was here on a peaceful mission, that didn't mean he had to be gentle with the stupid pig) and silently closed the window. He took the pig up to the top of the roof, where a kettle was precariously balanced on top of an extra set of Ranma's clothes.   
  
Ranma set P-chan down and poured the kettle.   
  
Ryouga was careful not to lose his balance as his dimensions and bone structure altered dramatically. When he was stable, he picked up Ranma's clothes and started dressing. It was pretty cold out this time of year to be sitting naked on a roof.  
  
"Why couldn't you bring me my own clothes?" He groused.   
  
"'Cause I couldn't figure out where you left them, idiot!" Ranma snapped. "Just be grateful I didn't leave you to freeze!"  
  
Ryouga snorted. "Whatever. What do you want, Ranma?"  
  
Ranma dropped his irritated expression and sat on the tiles with his arms resting on his knees, looking down at the yard with a slightly sad expression.   
  
"I'm leaving soon."  
  
"Another training trip? So what?"  
  
"No, I mean I'm leaving for a long time. Years."  
  
Ryouga blinked. "Huh? What about your engagement to Akane? Don't tell me you're planning on taking her with you? Ranma! You Son of a-"  
  
"Just shut up and listen, Pig-boy! I ain't taking Akane." He shuffled his feet on the roof. "I'm taking Shampoo."  
  
Ryouga scowled in confusion as he tried to figure that out. "Huh? Why are you going with Shampoo? For years, you said?"  
  
"I'm marrying her, idiot! I'm marrying Shampoo and going back with her to China." Ranma growled. He was starting to remember why he rarely tried to talk with Ryouga.   
  
Ryouga's eyes went wide. He once again tried to figure Ranma out through his own intellect. Once again, he was way off. "You mean... You're going to marry her just so you can go back to Jyusenkyo and get a cure? That's pretty damn low, Ranma, even for you!"  
  
Ranma's hands curled into fists. "You are such an asshole! That's not why I'm... Hey... I guess I *can* drop back into Jyusenkyo and get cured while I'm there. Shampoo too. Geez! Why not? It's practically next door."  
  
"So that *is* why!" Ryouga said accusingly.  
  
"You ain't too good at listening, are you Pig-boy!" Ranma growled. "That never occurred to me 'till now!"  
  
"So what's the deal?"  
  
"Shampoo's dying!" Ranma snapped angrily.   
  
That seemed to take the wind out of Ryouga's sails pretty quick. "W-what?"  
  
Ranma let go of his tension and stared morosely down at the yard again. "She's dying. She got possessed by this weird demon that's slowly feeding off her life energy. We figure she's got three years at best."  
  
Ryouga sat back, stunned. "Man... so it's like that little demon in the diaper that popped into people's heads and gave them horns?"  
  
Ranma shook his head. "Naw, nothing like that. This one doesn't affect her personality or nothin'. Kinda the other way round. If she thinks evil thoughts, like getting angry or jealous, then the demon eats her soul faster. If I keep her happy, then it'll barely nibble at her, because her life energy doesn't taste so good to him. That's how we get her three years. If I left things as is, with all the fighting over me and her being jealous of the other girls, she'd probably be dead in six months or so, but that's just a guess."  
  
Ryouga nodded. "I get it. So this is a sympathy thing."  
  
Ranma squirmed. "Not just sympathy. She's a pretty nice girl, you know, when she's not trying to do sneaky stuff to get me to marry her. She's cute too."  
  
Ryouga nodded grudgingly. "Yeah, I guess she is. Hey, are you sure this isn't some plot to trick you into going back with them to China?"  
  
Ranma shot him an angry glance. "No way. I was there when it happened. One of the ghoul's old rivals wanted to curse her with a slow death that was supposed to last a week. Shampoo jumped in front of the blast to save her. She's younger and healthier, plus she's nicer, so it's going to take the demon a lot longer to eat her soul."  
  
"Ok." Ryouga nodded, accepting Ranma's testimony. "Three years, huh? You know, when you really think about it, that isn't very long."  
  
Ranma sighed sadly. "No it isn't."  
  
"Especially for a marriage."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Think you'll be raising her kids after she's gone?"   
  
Ranma shook his head. "No. That's something else the demon's stealing from her. Unless she gets that thing out of her, she can't ever have children."  
  
Ryouga glanced at him, before joining Ranma in staring at the yard unhappily. "That's harsh. Did you want kids?"  
  
Ranma sighed and looked up at the sky. "I never really thought about it before now, but I guess I did. I don't know how I'm going to tell Shampoo we can't."  
  
"She doesn't know?"  
  
Ranma shook his head. "When the spell hit her, she passed out. She doesn't even know about the demon, or that her life span just got cut short. The old woman and I haven't figured out how we can tell her."  
  
"Well you can't just put it off forever. Isn't it better if she finds out now from you than from someone else later?"  
  
Ranma gave him a dirty look. "Look who's talking!"  
  
Ryouga paused for a moment in confusion, and then chuckled with embarrassment. "Oh yeah... heh heh!"  
  
"Yeah. Heh heh." Ranma growled sarcastically. "This is why I brought you up here, Pig-boy. I'm gonna be leaving Akane alone. Maybe for three years, maybe forever. I can't protect her anymore, and you know that clumsy tomboy can't take care of herself!"  
  
"HEY! Watch what you say about Akane, Ranma!" Ryouga growled.  
  
"What I'm saying Ryouga, is... could you look after her for me? I'm not saying be her boyfriend or nothin'. I figure that's between you and her. I'm just saying that, even if you don't get together. Be her friend. Be someone she can count on and talk to."  
  
Ryouga shuffled his feet. "I'm already someone she can talk to, as P-chan anyway, and you should *hear* some of the things she says about you when you're not around!"  
  
Ranma slapped his forehead and groaned. "I can just imagine. Never mind that. It's not important. I want you to come clean to her about the pig thing. It's not fair to her, Ryouga, seriously."  
  
"Do I have to?" Ryouga grumbled.   
  
"Yes you do." Ranma growled. "Or I'm gonna come all the way back from China and dump a kettle out on you while your sleeping in her bed. You really want her to wake up to find you lying next to her butt-naked?"  
  
Ryouga turned bright red. "If that happened... she'd..."  
  
"She'd kill you. And worse, she'd never trust you again. She trusts you now, you know, even when you're human. You're a good friend as far a she's concerned, but you're lying to her every single time you show up and play P-chan!"  
  
"I guess you're right." Ryouga grumbled, holding his face in his hands.  
  
"You know I am." Ranma said firmly.  
  
Ryouga sighed and looked up at the stars. "Yeah..."  
  
Ranma stood up. "I guess that's all I wanna say. Don't tell her until a while after I'm gone. She may not admit it, but I think she just might miss me a little. P-chan will probably help her get over me."  
  
"You're pretty full of yourself, you know?" Ryouga snorted.   
  
Ranma chuckled. "Maybe I am. Maybe she won't care either way. Just think of it as some time to figure out what to say to her when you tell her. I'm leaving the night after tomorrow night. After that, you'll have to figure out how to handle her by yourself. Think you can do that?" He said as he began walking away.   
  
Ryouga nodded. "I'll try, at least. Ranma?"  
  
Ranma turned. "Yeah?"  
  
"Don't worry about Akane. I promise to take care of her. Even if she hates me after I tell her the truth, I'll still keep an eye on her and make sure she's doing alright."  
  
Ranma nodded. "That's all I ask." And with that, he leapt down off the roof into the window of his own room.   
  
Ryouga lay back and looked up at the stars. Things were changing, all at once it seemed. Ranma was leaving, and now he had promised to tell Akane the truth about P-chan. Everything was going to be different soon, for better or for worse. He hated to admit it, but he was going to miss Ranma. A Nerima without Ranma seemed like it was missing something. Who was he going to get into fights with to keep up his skills now?  
  
Ryouga sat up abruptly as another thought occurred to him.   
  
How was he going to get cold water and then find his way back into Akane's room?  
  
"Ranma... you jerk!" He mumbled.  
  
***  
  
Talking with Ryouga the night before had given Ranma another idea. After school the next day, he went by the Ucchan and sat himself down on the roof across the street, where he could watch the entrance. He didn't want to go inside. One look at his face and Ucchan would know something was wrong. She knew him too well. She wasn't who he wanted to talk to anyway.   
  
Eventually, his patience was rewarded as he saw Konatsu dash out the door with a take-out box in one hand. Catching up to the cross-dressed ninja took some doing. Konatsu was the only person Ranma knew who could really match his speed.   
  
"Konatsu! Hey! Wait up!"  
  
The effeminate Kunoichi stopped and turned and smiled pleasantly. "Why Ranma-sama! I haven't seen you in a while. Ukyou-sama was just saying how you hadn't dropped by in nearly a week."  
  
Ranma came to a stop on the same roof, catching his breath. "Yeah, well... I've kinda been busy. Can I talk to you for a few minutes?"  
  
Konatsu bowed and smiled so sweetly, he reminded Ranma of Kasumi (which was damn scary). Still, at least he was a nice enough guy (sorta). "Certainly, Ranma-sama, but I'm in the middle of a delivery right now, and Ukyou's running a '5 minutes or it's free' delivery promotion, so it's very important that I be on time."  
  
'5 minutes?' Ranma thought in amazement. He'd never heard of a place doing that sort of deal for less then 30 minutes.   
  
"I won't keep you then, but could you meet me here on your way back?" Ranma asked.   
  
"Certainly." The kunoichi bowed again (he tended to do that a lot). "But I don't think I can stay for more than 10 minutes. Ukyou will have more deliveries for me by then."  
  
"That should be fine. Better hurry." Ranma said easily.   
  
Konatsu bowed one more time, and then took off like a shot. Normally, that was just an expression, but Ranma could barely see the ninja move, almost like a bullet.   
  
"Man... He's amazing when he's really going all out." Ranma muttered, somewhat jealous. "Must be doing some kinda Kachuu Tenshin Amaguriken with his legs or something." He sat himself down to wait.  
  
Konatsu was back in less than two minutes, and gracefully sat himself down on the roof beside Ranma.   
  
"What can I do for you, Ranma-sama?" He asked politely.   
  
  
Ranma gave Konatsu much the same speech he'd given Ryouga the night before, except that it was much easier, since Konatsu didn't keep interrupting him to accuse him of something absurd.   
  
"Oh my! Poor Ukyou-sama will be devastated! Do you really have to go, Ranma-sama?"  
  
Ranma nodded. "Yeah, I'm afraid I do. Shampoo needs me, and I'm not going to fail her again. I'm going to be the husband to her that I should have been from the start, for as long as she's still alive."  
  
"That's very kind of you, Ranma-sama, but what about you? Will you be happy with her?"  
  
Ranma looked up at the sky and smiled. "Yes, Konatsu. I will be. I wasn't sure at first, but I am now."  
  
Konatsu smiled. "I'm glad."  
  
Ranma's face fell. "The only thing that I'm worried about is the people I'm gonna leave behind. I know that Ucchan cares about me a lot, and even if I explain about how Shampoo's only got three years to live, she's still gonna be sad."  
  
Konatsu gave him a sympathetic expression that was completely sincere. That one was exactly like Kasumi's too. Watching a conversation between the two of them would be creepy!   
  
"Yes, I believe you're right."  
  
"So what I'm asking, Konatsu, is if you could look after Ukyou for me. Maybe just while I'm gone, maybe forever. I know you love her, and I wouldn't stop you if she wanted you to be her boyfriend, or even her husband, but even if that never happens, just watch over her; make sure she's doing okay. Could you do that for me, Konatsu?"  
  
The male Kunoichi smiled warmly. "Ranma-sama, I would do that even if you never asked, but I will tell her that you did, and she will feel better knowing that you care for her enough to worry. If she chooses to wait for you, than I will wait with her, and if she decides that this humble kunoichi is worthy to fill the void in her heart, then know that she is in good hands."  
  
Ranma smiled. "I knew *that* my friend, even if you'd never said it." He stood and pulled out a letter in an envelope marked with the name 'Ucchan'. "This is the letter I wrote explaining where I'm going and why. I just... can't stand seeing her cry if I told her to her face. You can give it to her the day after tomorrow. I'll be gone by then."  
  
Konatsu took the letter and bowed upon receiving it. "I shall do as you ask, Ranma-sama. Please find happiness with your new wife, for as long as you have together."  
  
Ranma smiled sadly over his shoulder. "We will, and thank you."  
  
Then he bounded off across the rooftops to the Nekohanten. They needed to plan the final details of their departure.   
  
***  
  
The next night, when all the house was sound asleep (even the snoring panda) Ranma picked up his pack, with all his worldly belongings, and silently made his way downstairs. He dropped Akane's letter onto the breakfast table, and quietly left the Tendou home for what would probably be the last time. He looked back at the house as he stood at the gate, reliving fond memories in his mind.   
  
He felt no great need to hurry. He was leaving a part of his life behind, a big part, if you included his father, who had been with him his entire life. He was looking forward to his marriage to Shampoo, but it was still sad for him to leave everyone else.   
  
He gave the Tendou Dojo one last fond look, then he turned and walked slowly down the street. He wasn't in the mood for roof hopping.   
  
***  
  
"I'm here." He called quietly as he entered the Nekohanten. He gave Shampoo an affectionate peck on the cheek and then set down his pack just inside the door.   
  
"Wonder of wonders, you two have managed to find a *quick* way to kiss!" Cologne chuckled.   
  
Shampoo blushed and giggled, happily embarrassed.   
  
Ranma's face went red as well. "Aw Granny!"  
  
Cologne raised an eyebrow. "'Granny' now, is it? What happened to Great-grandmother?"  
  
"Too much of a mouthful." Ranma answered. "Besides, I ain't the sort of guy to talk formal all the time."  
  
Cologne laughed. "Fair enough. 'Granny' eh? I like it. Can I call you Sonny?"   
  
Ranma grinned. "It's certainly shorter than Great-grandson-in-law."  
  
"That it is, Sonny, that it is."   
  
"So where's Mousse?" Ranma asked.   
  
"He's sleeping upstairs. He seemed completely exhausted, but judging by the grin on his face, I suspect it's because he got lucky." She grinned.  
  
"Lucky how?" Ranma asked, in honest confusion.  
  
Chuckling at his naiveté, Cologne hopped away on her staff. "You'll find out for yourself tomorrow night, I'd wager."  
  
Ranma scratched his head. "Tomorrow night? But that's our wedding ni--" He blushed. "Oh."  
  
Shampoo giggled and hugged him.  
  
He grinned sheepishly back at her. "I think I'm going to be doing a lot of blushing tomorrow night then."  
  
"Airen cute when blush!" She smirked.   
  
"Just go easy on me. I'm new at this." He chuckled awkwardly.   
  
She slapped his chest playfully. "You think Shampoo is old hat? Shampoo no do any of this before either."  
  
"I know, I know, but you don't seem as embarrassed about it as I am."  
  
"What for be embarrassed? Shampoo love Ranma, Ranma love Shampoo. Is no shame, is no secrets, is no things to hide between airen."  
  
Ranma nodded reluctantly, thinking of the secret he was keeping from her now, and trying not to let it show in his face. "Good point."   
  
Shampoo giggled and leaned closer to him. "Is so..."  
  
"If you two are through flirting, you can start moving this luggage outside. The taxi will be here soon." Cologne said dryly.   
  
The young couple reluctantly separated, and each picked up a heavy suitcase. Then they came back for Cologne's chests of potions and Amazon treasures.   
  
"Hey Granny, what's gonna happen to Mousse after we're gone?"  
  
"He'll wake up tomorrow to find a letter on the table explaining how he is now the owner of this restaurant. He'll have to hire a waitress or two to run the place, but between the Nekohanten's profit margin and his new girlfriend's wealth, that shouldn't be a problem."  
  
"Taking a page from my book, are ya?" Ranma smirked.  
  
Cologne shrugged. "It seemed prudent."  
  
"Whatever."  
  
*BONK*  
  
"Just because you're part of the family now doesn't mean you can get smart with me, Son-in-law." Cologne snorted.   
  
"Aww! What happened to 'Sonny'?"  
  
*Bonk*  
  
***  
  
The next morning found Ranma in a church in another part of Tokyo, struggling with the bow tie of his rented tuxedo. "Man, I'm nervous!"  
  
"What for? You think you're going to get up there and Shampoo will say 'no thanks'?" Cologne teased him.  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Weren't you nervous at your wedding?"  
  
"Which one?"  
  
Ranma sighed dramatically. "Never mind. I forgot what a swinger you were in your supposed 'youth'. That's what got us into this mess in the first place." He grumbled.  
  
*BONK*  
  
"Ow." He rubbed his head. "Hey, that reminds me, any word from that old witch yet?"  
  
"It's been less than a week, Ranma. Duck needs time to search through her collection of spellbooks."  
  
Ranma silently fiddled with his tie. "I hope she finds a cure soon."  
  
Cologne was silent for a moment. When she eventually spoke, it was in a very quiet voice, almost timid. "Ranma, can I ask you a question?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"If Duck finds a cure, what will you do then? Will you leave Shampoo and go back to Japan since she is no longer dying?"  
  
Ranma fiddled with his tie some more, then dropped it and turned to the old woman. "I'd have to be some kind of amazing creep to do that, wouldn't I?"  
  
"Most definitely." Cologne agreed.  
  
"I guess I haven't thought too much about it. The witch said we shouldn't hope for a cure, so I've been trying to think of things like she meant it. Don't get me wrong though, if she does find a cure, I'll be thrilled. I just don't want to get Shampoo's hopes up." He paused meaningfully, turning back to the mirror and giving the tie another go. "Or mine."  
  
"I understand, but you haven't really answered my question." Cologne prompted gently.  
  
"Of course I'm not gonna leave her." Ranma said firmly. "Haven't you ever seen one of these western weddings before on TV? The vows say 'Till death do us part'. That's the same thing as a vow of honor. I told Shampoo I wanted to marry her and I meant it. And I'm gonna mean those vows too when I say them."  
  
The old woman was silent. When he turned back to her, he saw she was crying. Cologne, the Matriarch, was crying!  
  
"I'm glad... Son-in-law." She said, smiling kindly at him.  
  
"Aw come on, don't get so mushy on me." Ranma snorted, trying to end the awkward moment. "If you don't knock it off, when we get to China I'm gonna tell all the other little Elders that Cologne was crying like a baby."  
  
*BONK*  
  
"'Little Elders' indeed." The shrunken old woman snorted.  
  
"Ow! Come on! I almost got this stupid thing tied!" Ranma complained.  
  
"You said that ten minutes ago." Cologne chuckled.   
  
"Perhaps I can help." Came a gentle voice from the doorway.   
  
Ranma spun around in shock. "M-Mom?!?"  
  
Nodoka Saotome smiled and ran forward to embrace her son. "Oh Ranma! It's really you, isn't it? After all these years!"  
  
"Mom?" Ranma's voice choked up, as tears formed in his eyes. After a moment, he eagerly hugged her back. "Mom! What are you doing here?"  
  
She pulled back and wiped a tear from her eye, smiling at him. "You didn't think I was going to miss my only son's wedding, did you?"  
  
"But... how?" Ranma stammered, not sure whether he wanted to feel happy or frightened.   
  
"I got the letter you sent. As soon as I read the part about you 'marrying Shampoo for real' I called every church and temple in the Greater Tokyo Area. I even got my neighbors to help out. There's quite a number of these places in all the districts, you know. Eventually, we found a place that had a wedding booked for a Saotome Ranma and Xian Pu. I got on the first train here."  
  
"Wow." Ranma said, not knowing what else to say. His mother seemed in equal parts both desperate and resourceful. He had to admire both qualities. "Mom, I'm glad you're here, really I am, but I'm worried that something might... happen... to force you to make me and Pop commit Seppuku. I don't want that, and I don't think you do either. Uh..." He looked her over. "Where's the katana? I thought you brought that thing with you everywhere?"  
  
Nodoka laughed softly into her hand. "One doesn't bring weapons to a wedding, my son. It's horribly bad luck."  
  
"Hmm. I'd better go tell Shampoo to disarm herself then." Cologne chuckled, hopping out of the room on her staff. "A pleasure to finally meet you, Lady Saotome. I'm sure we'll have a chance to talk later."  
  
Nodoka nodded and then turned back to her son. He looked so handsome in a tuxedo! "As for the seppuku pledge, after I read your letter, I sent Genma a package. Inside are divorce papers, and a letter that says that if he'll sign them, I'll tear up the promise. Now I haven't gotten them back yet, so whatever this 'condition' of yours is, don't tell me. Once I have them, you can tell me all about it. Then you and I can see each other whenever we like."  
  
Ranma looked a bit upset. "You're... divorcing Pop?"  
  
Nodoka nodded seriously. "Don't look at me like that, Ranma. Genma and I haven't been living like a married couple for 16 years. I'm only making it official. I'd already half-decided before, and after reading your letter, I realized that I no longer wish to spend any time with him ever again. I *do* however, want to spend time with *you*. So please keep your secret until I can get the papers back."  
  
Ranma blinked, trying to accept that. "But... doesn't it bother you, this condition that makes me seem less than a man-among-men?"  
  
She patted his chest reassuringly. "Whatever it is, I don't care. If everything you told me in your letter is true, then you are a true man no matter what this little problem is. The fact that you're doing right by this poor girl Shampoo certainly helps your position. I'm proud of you son, I want you to know that."   
  
Ranma smiled, his eyes brimming over with tears as he hugged her once again.   
  
"Thanks Mom! You don't know how long I've wanted to hear that."  
  
"Ranma... you don't know how long I've wanted to *say* it." She sniffled back. "Now then, let me see that silly bow tie..."   
  
  
Soon after, Ranma and his mother came out of the room and went into the one across the hall, where Shampoo had been dressing with the aid of one of the church's female staff.   
  
"Are you sure we should go in, Ranma? I've been reading up on these western weddings, and it's considered bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her dress before the wedding."  
  
"I think we've had our share of bad luck already." Ranma sighed. "Besides, this is more important." He pushed open the door and found Shampoo already in her wedding dress, arguing with her great-grandmother and the other woman.  
  
"Ahem! Shampoo, I want you to meet my mother. Mom, this is Shampoo." Ranma said, his voice breaking through the noise.   
  
Shampoo instantly switched her attention over to the newcomers. Her face lit up like a star. "Aiya! Is Airen mother? Shampoo so happy for meet you!" The beautiful violet-haired girl bounced over and hugged her new mother-in-law (gently).   
  
Nodoka looked over the mass of purple hair and smirked at her son. "She's certainly very friendly."  
  
Ranma rubbed the back of his head in embarrassment. "Ah... yeah, she is that."  
  
Shampoo released Nodoka and took hold of both her hands. "Shampoo want hear all about what Ranma like when little!"  
  
Nodoka gave a pained smile. "I would love to dear, but I'm afraid I wasn't there for most of it."  
  
Shampoo put a hand to her mouth, as if to stop the words she'd already thoughtlessly spoken. "Aiya... Shampoo forget. Very sorry. New Mother forgive Shampoo?"  
  
"Of course dear." Nodoka smiled kindly.   
  
Shampoo turned to Ranma. "Shampoo glad Airen here. You tell Great-grandmother and silly woman that Shampoo need keep sword with her!"   
  
"Uh..." Ranma answered noncommittally.   
  
"But why would you need your sword, dear?" Nodoka asked in confusion.   
  
"Is very important Amazon tradition." Shampoo explained seriously. "We is warrior people. Always carry weapon, even at own wedding!"  
  
"Yes," Cologne smirked. "I believe it originally came about as a way to discourage the groom from trying to run."  
  
Shampoo nodded, the epitome of seriousness. "Shampoo hope it no come to that, but she be prepared."  
  
Ranma big-sweated. "Please tell me you're kidding!"  
  
Nodoka nodded her head sagely. "Yes, I almost had to resort to that myself, with that coward Genma."  
  
"Mom! Don't encourage this!" Ranma cried frantically.   
  
Shampoo grinned at her mother-in-law. "Also for in case other womans want break up wedding and steal groom. That very important when groom is handsome and strong man like Ranma. Only reason other girls no here is 'cause they no know where we have wedding!"  
  
"I see." Nodoka smiled craftily. "But what if, and this is only speaking hypothetically, the woman who tried to stop the wedding was the groom's mother?"   
  
Ranma and Cologne's eyes went wide, but Shampoo didn't bat an eye. She looked sadly at the sword she was holding, and set it aside.   
  
"If groom mother object to wedding, then that completely different. Shampoo no happy about it, but have no choice in matter. No can kill mother-in-law." She pulled out a bonbori and gave Nodoka an evil smirk. "Have to beat mother-in-law away from Shampoo husband with blunt weapon."  
  
"Shampoo!" Ranma cried, shocked.   
  
Nodoka turned to her son, her eyes glittering with mirth. "I like her, son. You may keep her."  
  
Ranma sighed with relief as Shampoo tossed the bonbori aside (much to the churchwoman's shock, the heavy weapon smashed through a table) and hugged Nodoka again. Cologne just laughed.   
  
Ranma slid closer to the old woman and whispered into her ear. "Hey, I didn't notice her looking like her life energy was being drained, did you?"  
  
"That is because Shampoo was not seriously thinking about committing violent acts against her mother-in-law." Cologne whispered back reassuringly. "She was only teasing, as was your mother. You should know better, Sonny. Shampoo would never do such a thing."  
  
Ranma smiled, relieved. "I guess not."  
  
Nodoka gently pushed Shampoo back and smiled down at her. "Shampoo, let me tell you some things about this sort of wedding. The bride and groom must never bring weapons to the alter, because that is an omen of hostility in their future marriage; a sign that the couple will fight each other often."  
  
Shampoo frowned. "But who defend wedding?"  
  
Nodoka smiled fondly at her soon-to-be daughter-in-law. "That is a good question. There are two people in western weddings whose duty is traditionally to guard the wedding couple, and see them safely to the altar. They are the Best Man, and the Maid of Honor. Usually this is the groom's best friend, and the bride's best friend. Since we don't have these people here with us at such a small wedding, your great-grandmother and I will fill these roles. We shall protect you both from any who would dare to interrupt this wedding! Does that make you feel better?"  
  
Shampoo smiled and nodded. "That good enough. Shampoo feel safe now to be married with no weapon."  
  
Nodoka smiled. "Excellent. Now, for a guest to bring a weapon to a wedding is also bad luck. It is a sign that that person wishes harm on either the bride or the groom. That is why I left my own sword at home. May I borrow your sword, Shampoo, until the wedding is over?"  
  
Shampoo bobbed her head happily. "Shampoo honored for have mother of Ranma use her weapon!" She handed the large scimitar to Nodoka with a fine show of formality. Nodoka accepted the weapon in both her hands, holding it until Ranma and Shampoo left the room, at the churchwoman's direction.   
  
As soon as they were gone, Nodoka let the pointed end of the sword fall heavily to the ground, keeping it from falling over completely by grabbing the handgrip with both hands.   
  
"My goodness!" She gasped to Cologne. "This is the heaviest sword I've ever seen, and she was swinging it around with one hand like it was nothing! She must be as strong as a bear!"  
  
"Not hardly." Cologne smirked. "I had her wrestling bears and winning when she was 13."  
  
Nodoka's eyes widened. "Quite an... impressive young lady." She said eventually.   
  
Cologne laughed as she hopped out the door. "Your son is very impressive as well, Lady Saotome. I'd wager he could have been doing it at 12."  
  
"I'd prefer if you would call me Nodoka, Cologne-san." Nodoka smiled grimly. "I don't intend to carry my husband's name for much longer."  
  
"I understand, Nodoka-san." Cologne smiled. She was starting to like this proud and dignified woman. She had a spark of fire in her belly that Cologne always loved to see.  
  
  
The wedding progressed fairly well, though there was a brief hold-up when the priest complained about the sword Nodoka was holding (with the tip resting on the ground, naturally).   
  
"Mrs. Saotome, all weapons are usually forbidden anywhere upon the church property. It is disrespectful to the Lord Our God to bring tools of violence into his house."  
  
Nodoka responded with confidence. "This marriage is a merging of two cultures, the Joketsuzoku Amazons of China, and Japanese. Neither the bride nor the groom are westerners, much less Christians. We are freely adapting the ceremony to respect all the cultures involved here. We are, each of us, trying to keep an open mind. I would ask you to do the same."  
  
The priest sighed and nodded.   
  
When the priest asked if any here objected to the marriage, Shampoo and Ranma both looked around warily. That should have been the cue for Kodachi, Ukyou, Genma, and the entire Tendou family to kick in the door. They were relived when none of them came. Having the wedding in an entirely different district than either their former homes, or the Narita Airport (where the others would know they would logically have to pass through) had been a good idea.   
  
When the priest said, "You may kiss the bride," the bride beat the groom to the punch. It was another one of Shampoo's now infamous 'vacuum' kisses. The priest began to blush and stammer as the kiss waxed into its third minute. By the fifth minute, he threw up his hands and left.   
  
A mildly embarrassed (but overall very happy) Nodoka snickered and turned to Cologne. "I think we might have to turn the hose on them to get them apart. What do you think?"  
  
The old woman raised a wary eyebrow. "I think that might ruin the mood a bit more than we wished." She said noncommittally, bouncing forward to give the two a whack in the head each with her staff.   
  
Shampoo rubbed her head as Ranma collapsed bonelessly to the ground.   
  
"Oh dear!" Nodoka said, a trifle worried. "I think you may have hit him a bit too hard."  
  
"Not really." Cologne sighed, shaking her head. "He was suffocating."   
  
Nodoka blinked twice. "A *very* impressive young lady!"  
  
  
The congregating of four people around a table in the church kitchen, sitting on benches, didn't really qualify as a 'reception', but in any case, the happy couple and their two guardians sat together drinking, eating and chatting, which is about the same thing. There was obviously no dancing, but it wasn't as though there were enough men to go around anyway.   
  
"Say Mom, that was a pretty impressive speech you gave that priest about the sword, and the way you convinced Shampoo she shouldn't keep it on her person was kinda neat too. You seem to always know exactly what to say." Ranma said.  
  
Nodoka smirked. "Of course I do, Ranma dear, I'm your mother. It's in the job description."  
  
Ranma chuckled. "I really *do* wish I'd had your help writing those goodbye letters. I hope I did okay. I seem to have a habit of putting my foot in my mouth."  
  
"Hmph! You get *that* from your father." Nodoka sighed.   
  
Ranma looked chagrinned. "Well yeah. Like I said in the letter, all that's good in me had to come from you, because it sure didn't come from him."  
  
Shampoo lay down on the bench with her head in the lap of her husband (as was now confirmed by *both* their cultures); her head was buzzing a little from the Champaign. "Mother-in-law must be very good person then. Because there much good about Ranma!"  
  
"What a sweet thing to say, Shampoo-chan." Nodoka smiled.   
  
Shampoo smiled back and then put a finger on her husband's nose. "Ranma forget one thing." She said more seriously.  
  
"What are you talking about?" He asked.   
  
"One good thing what come from father. Very important thing for Ranma." She elaborated.   
  
Nodoka cocked her head curiously. "And what might that be?"  
  
"Yeah? What?" Ranma asked his wife. 'Wife'? Whoa, that was going to take some getting used to.   
  
"Ranma warrior skills." Shampoo answered. "First, give natural ability through bloodline, then give knowledge through training. Is important to honor one who train you, even if not much else to honor. Stupid father make Ranma great warrior who worthy to be Shampoo husband. That one thing Shampoo thank stupid panda-man for. Ranma should thank too."  
  
Ranma nodded solemnly. "I guess you're right. Gotta give credit where credit's due at least."   
  
"Very mature of you, young Ranma. You're growing up at last." Cologne nodded sagely.   
  
Nodoka leaned forward, frowning at Shampoo in confusion. "Why did you call my husband a 'panda-man', Shampoo-chan?"  
  
Ranma squirmed and thought fast. "Uh... because when she first met us, we had that panda with us. Pop usually had some food hidden away in his gi, and the panda could smell it, so it followed him around. Shampoo assumed he was some kind of animal trainer, and started off calling him 'panda-man'."  
  
"Also call because he shape like panda." Shampoo giggled. Ranma nearly choked on some finger food he was eating.   
  
Nodoka smirked wryly. "I gather my soon-to-be-ex-husband has put on a considerable amount of weight since I saw him last."  
  
"Probably." Ranma muttered, hiding his relief that she hadn't taken Shampoo literally (he was going to have a talk with her later). "I can't say for certain, 'cause I don't remember what he was like early on in our training journey."  
  
"Must be so!" The half-drunk Shampoo declared, giggling. "If he look then like he look now, Mother-in-law no marry him. He too fat and she too pretty!"   
  
"Why thank you, Shampoo-chan," Nodoka smiled, "but I'm afraid today, I pale in comparison to the blushing bride."  
  
Shampoo blinked. "Who that?"  
  
"She means you, Shampoo." Ranma chuckled.   
  
"Oh." She put her hands up to her face. "Shampoo confused. Is pale or is blushing?"  
  
Ranma groaned and rubbed his forehead in embarrassment. "You're drunk, aren't you?"   
  
Nodoka laughed softly. "It's alright, Ranma. Today is her wedding. We're all inclined to celebrate a little." She leaned forward and patted Shampoo's hand. "But no more for you tonight, alright dear? You wouldn't want to sleep through your wedding night!"  
  
Shampoo jumped to her feet suddenly (nearly falling over) "AIYAAA! Shampoo forget all about fun-fun in bedroom! Ranma come! We start right now!"   
  
So saying, she grabbed the startled and suddenly very nervous Ranma and dragged him off.   
  
"W-wait! I'm not ready! At least let me read the instruction manual over again first!" Ranma cried, being dragged along in a gender-reversed version of the caveman matting practice.   
  
"You no ready yet? No worry, Shampoo make sure little Ranma ready!" Shampoo laughed happily as she dragged him down the hall.   
  
Nodoka turned to Cologne. "There's an instruction manual?"  
  
Cologne smirked and nodded, pouring them both more sake. "Gave the poor boy a copy of the Kama Sutra to study. Being dragged about the woods by his father isn't the best way for a boy to get a sex education. I doubt he's even seen any pornography."  
  
Nodoka tsked. "Poor boy. I'll just add that to the list of thinks Genma failed to do right in raising my son." She took a long sip of her sake, then topped off the glass of her elder.   
  
Cologne blinked at Nodoka. 'I can't even tell if she's kidding.' She mused.   
  
After a few more glasses, and as true inebriation was finally kicking in, something occurred to Cologne.   
  
"Hold on a minute! Shampoo said she was taking Ranma to the bedroom, but we aren't at the hotel yet, we're still at the church. Do they even *have* bedrooms in this building?"  
  
Nodoka blinked, her thoughts moving slowly. "I don't believe so, no."  
  
Cologne frowned. "Then where..."  
  
Both looked at each other as a mortified wail echoed through the church building.  
  
"NOT ON THE ALTER, YOU HEATHENS!"  
  
The two drunken women watched each other carefully, trying to see who would crack first. After only a moment, they both lost it at the same time, laughing their heads off as they fell out of their seats, rolling on the floor and laughing until they cried.  
  
________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
End of Chapter Two.  
  
  
Here's a little anecdote from my life that may amuse you.   
  
I came up with the idea for this story at about 8:00 p.m. on a Thursday. I sat down in my backyard with my laptop and a half-pack of cigarettes (I still live at home, so I can't smoke in the house). I began to write...  
And write...  
And write...  
After I'd gotten halfway through the second pack of cigarettes, and the sun was beginning to rise, it occurred to me that maybe I'd been at this too long. However, my creative momentum was still going strong, so I kept writing. Around 8:00 a.m. I'd written about 50 pages, two chapters, and finished off the second pack of cigarettes, meaning I'd smoked about 3X the amount of cigarettes I've ever have in a single day before.   
At 8:15 a.m., I finally crawled into bed, cursing fate for making me a writer!  
At this point in the story, most of the friends I've told it to are either impressed with my dedication to writing, or think I'm crazy. I tried to explain that they're the same thing. The story doesn't end there, unfortunately, and this next part is where my friends start laughing their butts off (sadistic bastards!)  
At 9:00 a.m., the cleaning service that comes to our house every two weeks arrived. There's a few times a day when they might arrive, depending on their schedule. Naturally, today of all days, they decided to visit my house first. I was forced from my comfortable bed, and meant to stagger down to the basement (the one floor they don't clean) to sleep on the couch. Amount of erratic sleep gained so far: 40 minutes.  
About an hour later, they came to vacuum the basement stairs, apparently a special request by my mother. The stairs have no carpeting; just hard wood. CLUNK VRRR CLUNK VRRR CLUNK VRRRR, followed by the sounds of mumbled profanities from the lump under the blanket on the basement couch. Amount of erratic sleep gained so far: 90 minutes.  
Finally they left about 10:30 a.m.   
At 11:15, the inert lump on the couch is shaken awake by its mother. "Come on! You promised to paint the patio furniture today!"  
The lump whimpers softly in frustration. Recalling that its mother is very 'old-school' and is of the twisted belief that even if you don't go to school, and work at a job that doesn't start until 6:00 p.m., one shouldn't stay up too late or sleep in too late. Arguing that one didn't get to bed until 8:15 in the morning will gain one no sympathy, only a straight hour of nagging. With a groan of deeply felt injustice, the lump rises to paint the @#$%ing table and chairs.   
This of course, took several hours, and by the time I was finished, I had to eat dinner (only meal of the day) and get ready for work.  
Total amount of highly erratic and frequently interrupted sleep gained that entire night (day?): 2 hours, 15 minutes.   
Followed by 7 grueling hours on my feet at a boring job.   
Ugh.  
  
So, hey! For anyone who wants to get into writing, keep reaching for that rainbow! :P  
  
  
Next time on SotGG:  
  
Ranma and Shampoo board the plane for China, and Nodoka must part with her son again... or does she? Will she join them in China? Will she discover Ranma's curse before she is free of the obligation to force him to commit seppuku?   
Plus: What's happening back in Nerima?  
  
C&C to hinoron@hotmail.com  
  
Ja na!  
  
-Ron Hino 


	3. Chapter 3

Sins of the Great-grandmothers  
Chapter Three  
By Ron Hino  
  
  
Ranma 1/2 is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi. She has made lots and lots of money off it, and I'm not making a penny. Damn shame too.  
  
________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Nodoka and Cologne sat in the restaurant of the small, yet tasteful hotel, enjoying breakfast, and getting to know each other a little better. Between Nodoka's estrangement from her son and the abrupt wedding, a great many traditions had been ignored. Not the least of these was the Omiai: the meeting of the parents. Nodoka wanted to know everything about Shampoo, and about the village where her son was going to be living. Cologne didn't really have much to ask Nodoka about Ranma, since she knew him better than his mother did, but she was quite eager to learn more about the woman herself, to whom she was developing a liking.  
  
"How late are they going to sleep?" Cologne complained in an amused tone.   
  
Nodoka laughed merrily. "Oh, let them enjoy themselves! It's not as though they're getting much of a honeymoon."   
  
Cologne nodded sadly. "True enough. We don't have such a tradition in our village, beyond allowing two weeks time away from their duties to the tribe, to 'enjoy themselves', as you put it. It is unfortunate that we must hurry to China to avoid Ranma's other suitors. Their new marriage aside, I am certain Son-in-law would like more time to get to know his mother."  
  
Nodoka sighed sadly. "As would I. Of course, there's also this secret 'condition' of his. I don't want to understand that until I can rid myself of that foolish promise. If I knew, then I might be bound by honor to take his life." Nodoka turned her head aside, glancing morosely at the restaurant's decorations. "I wish I could say with confidence that whatever it is wouldn't matter, but without knowing, I can't be certain."  
  
Cologne looked at her with sympathy. "I wish I could say the same. Ranma is a noble man, the best warrior I've seen in a hundred years, but this 'condition' is quite serious."  
  
Nodoka squeezed her eyes tight. "Not knowing is tearing up my heart! How bad could this thing be? He seems so strong and virile! I can see easily by the way he looks at your great-granddaughter that he's not homosexual, so what could it be that calls his manhood into question?"  
  
Cologne sighed, choosing her words carefully. "It is not something so close to his nature. His problem is more... superficial. A change of the surface that does not effect his heart. Be at ease, Nodoka-san. From what I have seen of you thus far, when you are told, you will not be so heartbroken that you would reject your son."  
  
Nodoka's sharp mind was working, quite against her will. "A change of the surface... You don't mean... some horrible accident happened to his... manhood?" She asked in wide-eyed horror.  
  
Cologne gave her a guarded look. "I thought you didn't want to know yet?"  
  
Nodoka swallowed and nodded. "Of course. Forgive me."  
  
Cologne nodded. "While I can't tell you what it is, I can certainly say this much. Shampoo has likely spent most of the night ascertaining that his 'manhood' works quite well, so you needn't fear in that respect. Now, I think we should turn the subject to other matters, to avoid more speculation on Son-in-law's 'condition'."  
  
Nodoka smiled. "Yes, you're quite right. I'm so relieved to hear even that much! Perhaps grandchildren will be in my future soon!" She chuckled happily.   
  
Her cheer drained away at Cologne's grim expression. "Wha... what is it?"  
  
"I must regrettably inform you, Nodoka-san, that unless a cure can be found for Shampoo, your grandchildren will have to wait until Son-in-law remarries. The tragedy that has cut short her life will also prevent her from conceiving children."  
  
Nodoka brought a hand to her mouth in horror. "Oh no! She must be heartbroken!"  
  
Cologne looked away. "Ranma and I have not yet found the heart to tell her of that particular side effect. To be told will be devastating to her, and we did not wish to destroy her wedding bliss so soon. In a year or so perhaps, when she is becoming more concerned with such matters, we shall have to tell her, but for now..."  
  
Nodoka nodded solemnly. "I understand. Of course you are correct. She shall not hear a word of it from me.  
  
"I thank you, Nodoka-san. We have not told her that she has only three years to live either. Shampoo's time left is so brief! Both Ranma and I are in agreement that her last years should be filled with as much happiness as possible."  
  
Nodoka again nodded. "Then we shall do all in our power to make it so. Is there no hope for a cure?"  
  
Cologne sighed. "A small sliver only. The witch who attempted to kill me is an expert in giving curses, not in curing them. When Shampoo jumped in front of the spell to save me, my old enemy was touched by her act. Or perhaps she was merely impressed by your Ranma and I threatening to rip her arms off. In either case, she agreed to research a cure, but she remains highly skeptical that one can be found."  
  
"I see. What exactly is this 'curse'?" Nodoka asked gently.   
  
"I suppose I could try an explain it, though you might not believe me." Cologne sighed. "She possessed Shampoo with a demon that is slowly eating her soul. Because her heart is kind and pure, it will take the demon much longer to devour her than it would have myself. Two or three years, Duck said, and for the last few months she will be bedridden. The happier she remains, the longer she will remain strong and healthy, but for no longer than three years. That is another reason why we wish her to be happy."  
  
Nodoka shook her head. "It seems so bizarre; curses, demons, magic..."  
  
"There are more things lost and forgotten in this world than one such as you, who lives in a city of technological wonders, can possibly imagine. Other places, with longer histories, such as our village, have retained more knowledge of such things over the millennia. Magic is very real, Nodoka-san, though it is rarely encountered except in certain places."  
  
Nodoka seemed to believe her. "I shall take your word for it, Honored Elder."  
  
The old woman nodded. "See that you do. You shall see more of magic before long, I suspect."  
  
Nodoka blinked, uncomprehending, but the aged matriarch said nothing more.   
  
The two looked up as Shampoo walked into the restaurant and joined them. She seemed to wince a bit as sat down, but that had no impact upon the grin she wore. The gorgeous sunshine of a new spring day paled in comparison to the glow about Shampoo's features! Her smile was so big it looked painful... and permanent!  
  
"Good morning Great-grandmother, and New Mother too."  
  
"Good morning, Shampoo." Nodoka smiled slyly. "Did you... sleep well?"  
  
Shampoo giggled. "Sleep? What that?"  
  
The older women laughed with her.   
  
Shampoo turned to Cologne. "Shampoo want thank Great-grandmother for book of sex technique she give Ranma. We is half-way through it already!"  
  
"Good lord..." Cologne muttered. The printing of the Kama Sutra she'd given him was roughly three centimeters thick.   
  
Nodoka chuckled in happy embarrassment. "I take it you are pleased with my son's... abilities then?"  
  
Shampoo burst into giggles and nodded enthusiastically. "He little awkward at first, but husband always learn quickly! Have such stamina too!"  
  
"Do spare us the details, at least." Cologne said dryly. "We are content that you enjoyed yourself."  
  
Shampoo began giggling again, apparently having no great desire to stop.   
  
"Where is my son, Shampoo-chan?" Nodoka asked eventually.  
  
Shampoo looked behind her, frowning slightly. "He coming. Why he take so long?"  
  
Their answer came soon as Ranma stumbled into the restaurant. He looked like the victim of an overzealous vampire, or Miss Hinako. From his gaunt appearance, one might think someone had sucked out every last drop of his bodily fluids (which wasn't too far from the truth -_^).   
  
"Goodness! Are you alright dear?" Nodoka smirked.   
  
"Foooooood!" Ranma groaned, as he slumped into a chair. His mother chuckled and signaled the waiter.  
  
Cologne tsked. "Poor lad. I almost feel bad about reminding him that Shampoo will likely want to finish that book tonight." She smirked cruelly.   
  
Ranma's eyes went wide. Then he let his face fall onto the table and began to sob.   
  
Shampoo floated in her cloud of bliss.   
  
***  
  
1:00 p.m. saw the group entering Narita International Airport.   
  
"Oh, my son! I can't believe you're leaving so soon!" Nodoka sobbed, clutching her son to her desperately.   
  
"I know, Mom." Ranma said sadly. "It seems like we've just met."  
  
Nodoka blinked. "Ranma, we *have* just met."  
  
Ranma scratched the back of his head, chuckling awkwardly. "Oh right. That's probably why then."   
  
Nodoka smiled and shook her head. She turned to Shampoo and embraced her daughter-in-law with much emotion.   
  
"And Shampoo-chan... I didn't even get a chance to really get to know you either! This is so unfair."  
  
Shampoo sniffled. "Shampoo hate this too! Mother die when only four. Shampoo so happy to have mother again, but now have to leave country!"  
  
"I'm afraid there's no help for it." Cologne sighed, hardly indifferent to any of their feelings. "We cannot stay here. There are too many who would make it impossible for the two of you to be happy. In China, at least, we should be out of their reach, and if they do come, we will have the benefit of the entire village backing your marriage."  
  
Ranma's eyes shone with unshed tears as he hugged his mother one last time. "Well... I guess this is goodbye. I promise I'll write often. You make sure to send me letters too. It seems like a really cheap way to get to know my own mother, but it's all I've got."  
  
Nodoka sniffed and nodded. "Of course, my son. You'll get a letter from me every week, at least!"  
  
Shampoo watched the pair, not bothering to hide her own tears. This was awful! She didn't want it to be this way!   
  
"Shampoo no can do this!" She blurted suddenly.   
  
The other three turned to look at her in surprise.   
  
"What do you mean, Shampoo?" Cologne asked in concern.   
  
Shampoo sniffed. "No can do this! No can take Ranma away from Mother! Not now! Is too too sad! If have to leave New Mother behind, Shampoo rather stay here! Even if have to fight with other girls every day, Shampoo will stay here with Ranma and Ranma mother!"  
  
Cologne and Ranma glanced at each other. All the jealousy and anger that fighting with Ranma's former fiancées would evoke would bleed away Shampoo's brief life remaining in no time!  
  
"That is unacceptable, Shampoo." Cologne said firmly. "For you to be happy, we must go to China and remain out of reach of those silly girls. Besides that, I have neglected my duties to the village for far too long. We must return to China!"  
  
"NO!" Shampoo shouted angrily. "Shampoo say no!"   
  
To their horror, Shampoo seemed to waver on her feet, growing dizzy. The girl clutched her head in pain and confusion.   
  
"SHAMPOO!" Ranma cried out in alarm, rushing to her side. "You've got to calm down, Shampoo! Please!" He swallowed. "If... if you feel that strongly about it, we'll... we'll work something out, I promise!"  
  
Shampoo seemed to relax, coming back to her feet slowly. "What... what happen?" She turned to Cologne, her eyes wide with fear. "Great-grandmother! What wrong with Shampoo! Get all dizzy for no reason!"  
  
Cologne sighed. "Forgive me, Shampoo, for not telling you, but I did not wish to cast a shadow upon your wedding bliss."  
  
Shampoo looked even more worried. "What you talking? What you no tell Shampoo?"  
  
Nodoka tugged her lip in worry, but remained silent. It was not her place to say anything.  
  
Ranma wore a miserable expression as Cologne looked sadly at her dear great-grandchild. "The spell you were hit with did not work as it was meant to. I told you that before. However, there were side-effects that may very well be with you the rest of your... of your life."  
  
Shampoo trembled in silence. Ranma stood behind her and held her gently. Nodoka allowed herself a small smile of pride. However brief their time together, she knew that her son would be a good husband to Shampoo.  
  
"In an attempt to cripple my fighting power, part of the spell Duck used disables you when you grow angry... or jealous. You will feel dizzy and disoriented for a time, and in the heat of battle, that can be fatal. In this condition, even Akane Tendou might defeat you, even accidentally bring you serious harm. The girl is not known for her restraint."  
  
The frightened girl shook. "Shampoo... Shampoo can no be warrior any more?"  
  
Cologne shook her head. "Don't jump to conclusions. You can still be a warrior of our tribe, even continue to be my heir. All this means is that you must master better control of your emotions. Losing one's head in the middle of a fight can cost anyone a battle. It is merely more serious in your case."  
  
Shampoo seemed to calm down slightly. "Shampoo... Shampoo understand. Must train harder!"  
  
Cologne smiled, relived. "Indeed. I shall help you, Great-granddaughter."  
  
"And me too." Ranma grinned. "I'm really looking forward to training with you, Shampoo-chan. Can't have the wife of Ranma Saotome be anything but the best, right?"  
  
Shampoo beamed proudly up at him. "Is so!"  
  
Cologne nodded curtly. "Well, that's settled then. Let's get going."  
  
Shampoo frowned. "Is no settled!"  
  
"Shampoo! Calm down!" Ranma said firmly in her ear, his comforting arms still wrapped around her. Her eyes widened. She swallowed and nodded.  
  
Taking a deep breath to calm herself, Shampoo began again. "Shampoo still not accept leave New Mother behind."  
  
Cologne groaned. Her great-granddaughter could be so stubborn when she felt passionately about something.   
  
Ranma blinked and looked up at his mother. "Hey! What if... I mean... Mom, would it be possible for you to come with us? I know I've got no right to ask you to just uproot your whole life all of a sudden, but-"  
  
His mother cut him off. "Oh, Ranma! You *are* my whole life. I have friends here, of course, even a small job working at a teahouse, but none of these things are anywhere near as important to me as my son! For 16 years I've sat alone in my house at night, thinking about you and how you might be doing. I'm afraid I don't do much else. I've been alone for so long... I would love to come with you and Shampoo-chan!" She paused and turned to bow respectfully to Cologne. "If you would have me, Honored Elder."  
  
The old woman burst into laughter. "Our tribe would be all the richer for adding one such as you to our ranks, Nodoka Saotome. It would be my honor and my delight to welcome you into our tribe. Be sure to bring that sword of yours with you! We *are* a tribe of warrior women, after all."   
  
Nodoka giggled daintily. "I suppose I could, though I think I should point out that I've never been trained to fight with it."  
  
"That is easily remedied." Cologne chuckled. "I can think of three tribeswomen off the top of my head who are experienced with Japanese katana. Your nation makes rather fine blades, after all."  
  
"Goodness, how exciting!" Nodoka chuckled. "Oh my! This is so sudden! I've never been to China. I don't even speak a word of Chinese!"  
  
Shampoo gently pulled away from Ranma and took both of Nodoka's hands in hers, smiling excitedly. "Shampoo honored for teach Mother-in-law speak Mandarin!"  
  
Nodoka beamed down at her new daughter-in-law. "Then it seems I'll be well taken care of. It's settled then!"  
  
Ranma grinned. "This is perfect! We can take all the time we need to catch up! Come on, let's buy you a ticket!"  
  
*BONK*  
  
"Do you think your mother might want to collect a bit of luggage before she *emigrates*, Son-in-law?" Cologne asked sarcastically.   
  
"Ow. Oh yeah..."  
  
Nodoka nodded. "Yes, I'm afraid I do have a few affairs that need to be set in order before I can go. I need a passport, for one thing. Then there are the divorce papers I still haven't received. This may take some time."  
  
Ranma looked downcast. "So you won't be able to come with us today then?"  
  
Nodoka smiled sadly at her son. "I'm afraid that would be impossible. Fear not, however. I promise I'll join you in one week, and not a day more!"  
  
Cologne nodded. "Than we shall wait for you in Hong Kong. From there, we'll be catching another flight to Western China. After that, I'm afraid modern conveniences begin to drop off the farther into the wilderness we go. Pack a good pair of hiking shoes, my dear. It's a few days worth of camping and hiking to get to our remote village."  
  
Nodoka blinked. "Oh my. I've never camped before. Is it fun?"  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Oh yeah. Mosquitoes, mud, sleeping on the hard ground, chasing rabbits through the bushes to catch your dinner..."  
  
Nodoka put a hand to her mouth. "Oh dear..."  
  
Cologne chuckled. "Never fear, Nodoka-san. You'll be traveling with three experts. Ranma and Shampoo will handle all the hard stuff. It is not an easy journey, but once we arrive, you'll find our village a very nice place to live."  
  
Nodoka smiled. "I've no doubt." She gave Ranma and Shampoo one last hug, encircling them both in her arms. "I'll see you in Hong Kong in one week, dears. Wait for me."  
  
"We will." Ranma said, smiling happily.   
  
"Shampoo can no wait to show you pretty places in homeland! You be happy living with Amazons! You see!"   
  
"I'm already growing quite fond of two of them, or three, I suppose." Nodoka said, a twinkle in her eye as she looked at her son. "Goodbye then. See you soon!"   
  
Ranma waved happily as she walked away. "Bye Mom!"   
  
Shampoo, her arm around Ranma's waist, as his was around hers, looked wistfully at the departing woman. She looked up at her husband's smiling face.   
  
"Ranma happy now?"  
  
He grinned down at her and picked her up by the waist, twirling her around to her happy embarrassment. He brought her down into a heartfelt embrace. "Shampoo, I don't think I've ever been happier!" He said, and meant it too.  
  
Shampoo sighed in contentment as she lay her head on Ranma's shoulder and hugged him back. She lifted her head and closed her eyes...  
  
*BONK* *BONK*  
  
"If you two start kissing, we'll miss our flight!" Cologne scolded them half-heartedly. "There's only an hour and a half until it leaves."  
  
***  
  
Genma Saotome sat alone at the table in the family room, reading the awful letter yet again. Every so often, his eyes trailed toward the small stack of legal documents beside him.   
  
What the hell had happened to bring things to this?  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Dear Genma,  
I have recently received a letter from my son, the first ever. It was quite long for a boy whose education has been so callously ignored, do to his irresponsible father's influence. In it, Ranma went into a fair amount of detail concerning all of your many failings as a father. It was quite a long list.   
Genma Saotome, you have failed to take proper care of my child. You are a horrible father, and a sorry excuse for a man. I no longer wish to associate with you in any way. Please sign these divorce papers, and release me from the last of my obligations as your wife.   
In return for this, I shall tear up the promise you made to raise Ranma to be a man among men. My son would not tell me the exact nature of the problem which casts his manliness into doubt, but all else that the letter tells me of him brings me to the conclusion that he is indeed a man among men, despite the fact that it was a worm among men who raised him. As best I can tell without knowing this condition of Ranma's, you have indeed somehow managed to fulfill that vow. You have, however, completely failed him as a father.  
While there is still doubt that I might not be able to forgive this mysterious problem of Ranma's, I cannot afford to spend any great amount of time with him, lest I discover it. Upon receiving the signed papers I have provided you with, I will destroy the promise, and at last be free to spend all the time I lost during his childhood with my son. It is my fervent wish that he spend as little time with you as possible, but I suppose that is his choice, not mine.   
In regard to the engagement of my son to Akane Tendou, I think it should be considered officially ended. While I provisionally approved of it at first, in my eagerness to see my son happily married, what he has told me in his letter gives me strong doubt that the pair could be truly happy together. Ranma has made his choice to marry this girl Shampoo, and I fully intend to respect his decision. When I have a chance to meet the girl myself, I will hopefully be able to approve of her officially. Whether or not you approve of her is of no consequence. You have lost all right to have any say in how Ranma lives his life.   
Sign the papers Genma, and then do whatever you wish with the rest of your life. Continue to lie, cheat, and steal to your heart's content. I no longer care what you do, except as it might affect my son.  
Farewell.   
Nodoka  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Genma starred grimly at the letter, and then the damn papers. How could this have happened? Damn that foolish boy! First he vanishes, leaving behind nothing but a letter saying he was going to marry that damn Chinese tramp. Now this!  
  
He had surely wasted his time raising the ungrateful boy! Didn't he know that his father knew what was best for him? That foolish boy had brought him nothing but trouble! Now he'd even destroyed his father's marriage! Oh, the ungratitude! Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad to cut his ties to the boy, though he was reluctant to do so with Nodoka. Memories of her fabulous cooking still haunted his dreams.   
  
Damn fool woman! So what if he'd made a mistake or two bringing up the boy? No one was perfect! He'd like to have seen how well she could have done raising the boy alone. He certainly wouldn't be as good a martial artist as he was now! Everything Genma had done had been necessary to make Ranma into the fighter he was today! Even Jyusenkyo, though he admitted that that accident had brought its share of difficulties as well. It also put Ranma in situations that brought scores of challengers to test his skill and force him to improve! What the hell was the problem with that?  
  
Well, Genma wasn't about to let the damn boy screw up his happy marriage to Nodoka! He wasn't going to sign the papers! Let's see what she does then!  
  
Genma's confidence began to fail him as he considered what she *would* do. He saw himself cringing on the floor beneath her, her sword held high and her face a mask of righteous feminine fury! She still had the seppuku pledge too, and she might try to only invoke his half of it.   
  
Genma swallowed. Maybe he should reconsider this.  
  
Sighing in defeat, he slowly picked up the pen and set the papers in front of him. He stared at them for a long time, but unfortunately they ignored his desire for them to vanish into thin air. Reluctantly, he put his name to it, pulling out his hanko and marking the paper with his seal.  
  
Damn woman! If only she didn't have that sword!  
  
Genma blinked. Wait a minute, the sword Nodoka carried was the Saotome family honor blade. If she removed herself from the family register, she would lose all right to carry it. With the sword gone, her threats became more or less empty. If he could just get it away from her... No. While she was still a Saotome, she had every right to wield it in her duty to protect the clan's honor, even against her own husband. If he divorced her, he could take it away from her, but then he'd already have lost her.   
  
Damn!   
  
Inspiration struck him. He pushed the legal papers aside and fetched some writing paper from a drawer in the hallway. Sitting down again, he began to write.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Dear Nodoka,  
It saddens me greatly that you believe I have failed Ranma as a father. His life was certainly not easy, but it was never meant to be. Everything I did to him molded him into the superb warrior he is today. It is said that a lion will push it's own cubs down a cliff, and raise only the ones strong enough to climb back up. I had only one son, so I pushed him over a lot of cliffs.   
If you are too soft a woman to understand this, then it is your loss. I have no wish to end our marriage, but since you insist, I have signed the papers. If you come to your senses, feel free to tear them up, and I will gladly forgive you your foolishness.   
However, if for some bizarre reason you decide to continue this brainless course of action, you must cease to carry the Saotome honor blade, and return it to me. You have no right to carry it. You have placed a condition on my signing of these papers; this is mine.  
-Genma  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
There, he thought proudly. That should show the fool woman! She would never wish to let go of that sword. She had carried it from the day they were married, and it meant far too much to her. Certainly, she would tear up the papers, and the fact that he had signed them would show her how serious he was. Sometimes a husband just had to be firm with his wife to keep her in line.   
  
Laughing at his own cleverness, Genma the idiot stuffed his letter and the divorce papers back in the envelope they'd come in. Then he re-glued it shut and wrote 'wrong address: return to sender' on the front.  
  
No sense wasting money on a stamp if he didn't have to, right?  
  
A pity (for him at least) that he had not bothered to read the small print of the papers he'd signed, which declared quite plainly that he was also giving over full custody of his son (who was still technically a minor) to his former wife. There was also mention of a restraining order...  
  
***  
  
"I beg your pardon?" Nodoka asked the disinterested man behind the government desk.  
  
"I said, it will take one month to process your request for a passport." He repeated irritably.   
  
She frowned at him. "Perhaps you do not understand. I am leaving for China in six days. I promised my son I would be there. I can't wait a month."  
  
He scowled at her. "Perhaps *you* don't understand! Look lady, it takes time to do all the record checks and paperwork to produce a passport. If you wanted to leave in six days, you should have come three weeks ago, at least."  
  
"Surely it can't take that long to fill my name into a little booklet." Nodoka insisted.   
  
He snorted. "Well it does, so fill out the damn form and come back in a month. I ain't got time to waste on some daffy broad. I've got things to do."  
  
*SHIIIINK*   
  
The rude man gulped as his eyes crossed to stare at the sword point lightly poking him in the nose (Nodoka had been practicing a little. Unfortunately, the only part she was any good at so far was the draw, but the obstinate civil servant didn't need to know that ^_-).   
  
"I don't believe you heard me correctly." She said, her voice as cold as the steel she wielded. "I am leaving for China in six days. When will my passport be ready?"  
  
He swallowed. "You can pick it up tomorrow afternoon."  
  
Nodoka sheathed her blade and smiled sweetly at him. "Thank you ever so much for your understanding of my situation."  
  
"N-no problem." He muttered.   
  
"I'll just fill out this form then. Do you have a pen?"  
  
He reached into his suit jacket. "Take mine."  
  
"Why thank you. Such a polite young man! Our nation is well-served by considerate civil workers such as you."  
  
"Um... thanks."  
  
As she bowed and had a seat in the waiting room to do the form, he slumped back in his chair and groaned. Why hadn't he said two or three days? He was going to be up all night!  
  
***  
  
Akane sat on her chair in her room, laying her head on the desk and staring morosely at the wall. Occasionally, she glanced at the folded letter he'd left for her, before vanishing like a thief in the night. She didn't read it through again, however, as its words were permanently etched in her mind.   
  
That baka!  
  
She was not completely without sympathy for Shampoo's position, if in fact she was dying. Akane wouldn't put it past the bimbo to make up such a wild story just to trick Ranma into coming along with her. He was certainly too stupid to figure it out if she had.   
  
Well, three years from now he'd find out for sure, but by then he'd have been married to her for years, and probably knee-deep in squalling brats by that Chinese slut! Ranma had too much honor to abandon a woman he'd had children by, and Shampoo and the old woman were well aware of this. He'd be trapped there for the rest of his life!   
  
Sighing sadly, she thought back to that one page that kept replaying itself in her mind...  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
This last page, Akane, is just for you. Don't let anyone else in the family read it, unless you really want them to.   
  
It might just be my ego talking, but I think my leaving might hurt you. If that's true, then I'm sorry, really sorry. I ain't dumb enough to say something like 'I love you' or that I know you love me, but I think there was definitely something between us. Just what, I'm not sure. I don't think I ever really understood you, or your feelings, and that makes me kinda sad. I wonder, if I had, maybe we wouldn't have fought so much, maybe we might even have gotten married and been happy. The way things were though, I don't think we could have been.   
Seems a shame.   
We fought all the time, but every now and then, you'd smile at me, and look like you really meant it. It didn't happen that often, so I don't really know what it means, but since I'm leaving, I thought I'd tell you something:   
You're cute when you smile, really.   
I guess it's a lot easier to say this in a letter than to your face, I don't know why. I do know that I'm gonna miss you a little. Not your cooking, or your hitting me in the head for things that ain't my fault, but you know, all the same.   
Goodbye Akane. Try not to miss me too much. I don't know if I'll ever come back, but just in case I don't, I don't want you to wait for me or nothing. Get yourself a nice boyfriend and be happy. Maybe I shouldn't tell you this, but Ryouga's had a crush on you since like, forever. He's just too shy to tell you. He's an idiot, and I don't know how he could show up on time for a date with his sense of direction, but you could do worse.   
I guess there's not much else I can say. Goodbye, Akane.   
-Ranma  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Akane sighed to herself. An arrogant jerk right up to the end. Like she was really going to miss that baka!   
  
So why did she feel so miserable?  
  
She shook her head. She wasn't going to let this get her down. So what if he'd left her for another woman? She'd known she was too good for that baka from the first day! She could find a guy on her own that was better than him! It wasn't like that would be hard, he was hardly a prince on a white horse. She wouldn't miss his insults, that was for sure! She was certain she could find a nice guy who would treat her right.  
  
Ryouga was pretty nice...  
  
Akane blushed and shook her head. No way! Ryouga was just her friend. He liked her, but not like that! Ranma must have gotten the wrong idea. It wouldn't surprise her, that baka!   
  
Still, Ryouga was kind of cute too...  
  
Her face burning, Akane shook her head again. Ryouga was shy; Ranma had gotten that part right. If she asked him, he'd be horribly embarrassed! She shouldn't do that to a friend.   
  
Then again, there had been that whole mess with the waterproof soap. Ryouga had seemed to go along with that date nonsense without much complaint. Maybe Ranma had a point?  
  
Akane sighed tiredly. "This is silly, I'm going to bed. Coming P-chan?"  
  
The little black piglet squealed happily and jumped onto the foot of her bed, turning his back to her (as he always did when he was fortunate enough to get a warning) while she changed into her pajamas.   
  
Once she was changed, she slid into bed and snuggled P-chan under the covers.   
  
'Ryouga, huh?'  
  
***  
  
Konatsu tried and failed to restrain his employer without actually hurting her (and since there was no way the kunoichi could bring himself to harm his beloved, it follows that Ukyou went largely unrestrained). "Ukyou-sama! Please try to calm down!"  
  
"Calm down!" Ukyou slurred. "Why the fuck should I calm down! That idiot Ranchan ran off with that Chinese bimbo and left his cute fiancée here all alone! I can't believe that jackass let the slut and the old mummy trick him like this!"  
  
After she'd read the letter from Ranma last night, she'd cried herself to sleep. Tonight, she'd apparently decided to drown her sorrows with half the restaurant's supply of sake instead. Konatsu had wisely decided to leave out the 'closed' sign this morning, so that Ukyou could grieve in private. Customers might lose respect for both the restaurant and its owner if they saw Ukyou like this.   
  
Konatsu tried to sooth his dear Ukyou, without much success. "Ukyou-sama, Ranma-sama seemed very certain that Shampoo-sama was indeed dying. He went with her so that she could die happily. I already told you he was worried about your feelings before he left. Doesn't that make you happy?"  
  
"Happy!" Ukyou snorted, standing up unsteadily and hurling the empty bottle against a wall. It shattered to pieces. Konatsu winced. He'd have to clean that up later. "Why the hell should I be happy? If he really gave a damn about me, he wouldn't have left!"  
  
"But then Shampoo-sama would die all alone. Do you really want that, even for your rival?"  
  
"BAH! Ukyou snorted. "Who cares about that bitch! She can die however she wants, as long as she stays away from my Ranchan! Why should I care about her?"  
  
"Oh Ukyou-sama! You don't really mean that! You're too kind a person to be so callous!"  
  
"I do too mean it!" Ukyou snapped, sitting down hard in her chair again and trying unsuccessfully to open another bottle.   
  
Konatsu looked sadly at her. "No you don't, not really. You're just upset right now (and very very drunk, I should add). If you were really that sort of person, then Ranma wouldn't care about you the way that he does."  
  
Somehow, that seemed sink through the veil of alcohol in Ukyou's brain. Her angry expression dissolved, and she burst into tears.   
  
"Whaaa! Ranma doesn't love me!" She sobbed, burying her face in her arms and slumping forward onto the table.   
  
Konatsu sighed and knelt down to hold Ukyou. The thoroughly plastered chef buried her face in the chest of the cross-dressed boy. "That's not true. You know very well that he cares for you."  
  
"But he doesn't *LOVE* me!" Ukyou wailed into the tear-dampened material of his kimono.   
  
Konatsu lay his head atop hers as he softly stroked her hair. "Well, I don't know that for certain, but then neither do you. You never know; three years from now, he might... he might come back and marry you." Konatsu whispered the last sadly.   
  
Ukyou was far too drunk to notice the catch in his voice. She raised her head and looked into his face, her wet eyes pleading with him. "You really think so?"  
  
Konatsu hugged her tighter to him. "We won't know until that day comes, but you shouldn't give up hope."  
  
Ukyou nodded sadly, and buried her face in Konatsu's chest once more.  
  
The kunoichi gave a sad smile, and rocked the crying chef gently. "I will wait with you, Ukyou-sama. You won't ever have to be alone. I promise you that much."   
  
"*sniff* Thank you, Konatsu." Ukyou whispered through her tears.   
  
As his beloved slowly began to calm down, and drift off to sleep, Konatsu continued to hold her, and softly stroke her hair. He stared off into space thoughtfully, wondering what the future would hold for him and his Ukyou-sama.  
  
***  
  
Ranma, Shampoo and Cologne waited together in the Hong Kong International Airport. The newlyweds sat as closely together as was physically possible, he with an arm around her shoulder, and she with her head leaning contently against his.   
  
Cologne, for all that she approved of the match, was starting to get a little sick of watching the pair snuggle. She was glad they were both happy, but must they demonstrate it to the whole world? CONSTANTLY?   
  
"Husband think Mother be okay on long trip?"  
  
"No problem! She'll have us to help her, right?"  
  
"Is so. Mother in good hands!" At Ranma's insistence, Shampoo had begun to refer to Nodoka as 'Mother', rather than 'Mother-in-Law' or even 'New Mother'. He was certain that his lonely mother would be delighted! Shampoo had no problem in getting more familiar with Nodoka. Ranma's mother was strong, dignified, sharp-witted and kind. Shampoo knew without a doubt that she could love Nodoka with all the affection she hadn't been able to give her own dearly departed mother.   
  
As the woman in question came out of the arrival area, a small carry-on bag and her sword over her shoulder, she was suddenly glomped by both her son and her daughter-in-law. Though rather formal in her upbringing, Nodoka was finding that she didn't mind at all such familiarity from two people so dear to her heart. She was also reminding herself that customs were different in China, and was attempting to adapt gracefully. As it happened, hugging people you were fond of in public was less a Chinese custom, and more a Shampoo custom, but Nodoka would be a while in figuring that out. Smiling at them both, she hugged them back.  
  
"It's good to see you both. How is married life?"  
  
"Pretty good!" Ranma grinned.   
  
Shampoo nodded eagerly, giving Nodoka a mischievous grin. "We spend whole week at nice hotel here in Hong Kong. Already going through Kama Sutra third time. Ranma get even better with more practice!"  
  
"Ah geez, Shampoo!" Ranma blushed horribly. "Do you hafta talk about that with my mom right here?"  
  
Nodoka chuckled at her son's embarrassment, though blushing a bit herself. "I'm glad that you are keeping your wife happy, my son."  
  
Ranma chuckled, red-faced. "Yeah... It's a full-time job, I'll tell ya!"  
  
Shampoo giggled and poked him in the ribs playfully. "Is too much for you, Airen?"  
  
Ranma immediately scowled. "Hey! It is not! I'm the best!"  
  
Shampoo giggled and hugged him. "Shampoo think she believe that! But husband should no get swollen head." She grinned up at him mischievously. "Least not head on shoulders!"  
  
Ranma held his burning face in his hands and groaned. Shampoo laughed merrily.   
  
Nodoka's lips curled with amusement. "Have they been like this the whole time?" She asked Cologne.  
  
"Every single day." Cologne grumbled. "You can't take them anywhere!"  
  
Shampoo stuck her tongue out at the old woman. "Great-grandmother just jealous!"  
  
The old woman smirked. "I will admit it's been a long time since I had a stud like young Ranma. How about it, Sonny? Want to try out a more experienced woman for a night?"  
  
Shampoo looked ill, Ranma much more so. "Oh man... Now that's a scary thought!" he shivered.   
  
*BONK*   
  
"You wouldn't say that if you'd seen me in my prime, boy." Cologne snorted. "I was quite popular with the boys, you know."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. We've all heard about your bed-hopping days." Ranma muttered, giving the old woman a glare that said he hadn't forgotten how Shampoo had gotten possessed by the demon.   
  
"Show some respect for your elders, Son-in-law. Once we're in the village, you'll find that mouthing off to council members will earn you something far worse than a little bump on the head. Not all my fellow elders are so gentle."  
  
Ranma just rolled his eyes. Cologne turned to Nodoka. "How did things go with your husband, dear, or should I say former husband?"  
  
Nodoka smirked. "You should indeed. I am now officially no longer a Saotome."  
  
Ranma just scratched his cheek awkwardly, not sure what he should think about that. "Wow..." was all he said.   
  
Nodoka didn't miss his dilemma. "Are you really that disappointed Ranma?"  
  
Ranma fidgeted. "I'm not sure... I mean, I know he's a worthless idiot, but he's still... he's still my father. He's been with me my whole life. Not having him around... well... it's a big adjustment, at any rate."  
  
Nodoka smiled sadly and gently touched her son's cheek. "I'm sorry I've hurt you Ranma, but I think it's better this way."  
  
Ranma sighed and nodded. "It is. You're right about that. Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you or nothin'."  
  
Nodoka smiled and hugged him gently. "You have every right to be upset with me over this, my son. Just don't stay upset too long."  
  
Ranma smirked. "Who's upset? It ain't your fault anyway, right?"  
  
Nodoka matched his smirk. "No, it isn't. Here. I got a letter from him in response to mine. Maybe reading it will make you feel better." She handed him the folded sheet of paper.   
  
Ranma blinked and unfolded the note. Shampoo and Cologne read over his shoulders.   
  
Ranma's features slowly slid from curiosity to outrage as he read. His hands began to tremble. "That... that bastard!"  
  
Shampoo scowled as well. "Ranma right. Him big creep! Is good Mother leave stupid panda-man!"   
  
"He's certainly a cocky bastard, I'll give him that." Cologne muttered darkly.   
  
Nodoka smirked and shook her head. She no longer had enough emotional investment in the worthless man to feel offended by his stupidity. "He is right about one thing though, I have no right to continue to carry the Saotome family sword. I'm not about to give it to him, though. Your father's family has a long and illustrious history, Ranma, though Genma certainly fell far from the tree. Actually, I think his whole branch was rotten. You should meet his parents! On second thought, perhaps it's best you don't. Your grandparents on your father's side are so shady that *he's* embarrassed to be related to them!"  
  
Ranma blinked. "That's hard to imagine."  
  
Nodoka nodded, her eyebrows raised. "Isn't it? How about this: When they came to our wedding, they sneaked out in the middle of the ceremony with most of the silverware in their pockets."  
  
Ranma groaned. "I'm related to people like that?"  
  
Nodoka sighed. I'm afraid so, Ranma. In any case, Genma would only get the Saotome honor blade dirty with his shameless hands. I've decided to give it to another of the Saotome clan who would do the weapon justice." She held up the sword.  
  
Ranma blinked. "Really? Who?"  
  
Nodoka smirked at him. "You, of course." She held it out to him, in the proper ceremonial manner.   
  
Ranma had only seen the ceremony for transferring a weapon from one samurai to another once, and on TV at that. Nonetheless, he managed to do his part properly, accepting the blade with a solemn expression. He drew out a few inches of steel from the scabbard, making a show of admiring its well-made and well-preserved edge.   
  
"I thank you, Mother. I promise I will bring back the honor of the Saotome clan."  
  
She smiled and nodded. "I have no doubt that you will, my son. That task is entirely upon your shoulders. I am no longer of the clan, and you are the only relation to it that I wish to honor."  
  
Ranma smiled and nodded. That was enough to end the small ceremony.   
  
"So, if you're not a Saotome any more, what's your name then?" He asked his mother.   
  
She smiled proudly. "I am Nodoka Tenkawa, third and youngest daughter of the Kyoto Tenkawas. Our name means 'River of Heaven', and my family is one you can be proud to be part of, even if you don't carry its name yourself."  
  
Ranma blinked. "So I'm not Ranma Tenkawa now?"  
  
"Of course not, Ranma. You were Ranma Saotome when you were born, and you will be Ranma Saotome until the day you die." Nodoka blinked, turning to Cologne. "Unless it is custom among the Amazons to take on the name of the wife's family."  
  
Cologne smiled and shook her head. "Names in China do not change when we marry, unless a woman marries a man from another land, and wishes to honor their customs. It is the same in the Amazon village. We may not get along that well with the Chinese government, but we are still Chinese. This is why Shampoo is still Shampoo, and not Saotome Pu."  
  
Ranma blinked, trying to hide a smirk. "'Poo'? Your given name is 'Poo'?"  
  
Shampoo blinked up at him. "Yes. Why that funny? Is fine name!"   
  
Nodoka rolled her eyes. "I believe 'poo' means something rather crude in English, dear, but I don't see how that's at all relevant to you. Ranma, don't you dare make fun of your wife's name! I'm sure it means something completely different in Chinese."  
  
Properly scolded, Ranma winced and straightened his face.   
  
Shampoo nodded, frowning at her husband. "Name Xian Pu mean 'Girl of Mountains'. Is no funny name!"  
  
Ranma nodded. "I'm sorry Shampoo. I didn't mean to laugh."  
  
Shampoo nodded firmly, her arms folded. "Good. No make fun of wife, or Ranma find self sleeping alone!"  
  
Ranma seemed to consider that. "For how long? I think I could stand to get a full night's sleep after the last week."   
  
Nodoka put a hand to her forehead and sighed as Shampoo elbowed Ranma hard in the gut, bringing him to his knees. "Son, you have a lot to learn about talking to women."  
  
"Indeed." Cologne chuckled. "But I suspect my great-granddaughter will be more than willing to instruct him on the finer points."  
  
"Oooow! What'd I say?"  
  
Shampoo huffed, turning her back to him and folding her arms. "If you no know, then you bigger idiot than Shampoo think!"   
  
Her ire faded as she clutched her head in pain and fell to her knees.   
  
"SHAMPOO!" Ranma cried in horror, rushing to her side.   
  
Shaking in fear, Shampoo clutched him as he brought her back to her feet, her anger forgotten. "So scary when that happen! Ranma hold Shampoo!" She said, her voice trembling slightly.   
  
Ranma held her gently to him. "Of course... Airen."   
  
Letting out a breath of relief, Cologne looked sternly at the boy. "Son-in-law, you must be more careful with Shampoo's feelings. It could have very serious consequences to her health if this sort of thing were to happen too often."  
  
Ranma swallowed and nodded seriously over his wife's shoulder. So far, it had only happened twice. Ranma wondered how much time that had cost her. Hours? Days? Weeks?  
  
Cologne sighed and hopped up upon her staff. "Well, we should get going. We have to make our connecting flight. I arranged to have all your luggage transferred to the other plane already, so it should be no problem." She said to Nodoka.  
  
The other woman bowed. "Thank you, Elder." She turned to the melancholy couple. "Are you two ready to leave?"  
  
Ranma gave Shampoo a worried glance and then nodded.   
  
"Yes, let's make sure to pry them off each other now before they start kissing again." Cologne remarked dryly. "Otherwise, heavy machinery might be required for the task."  
  
Nodoka chuckled as Shampoo turned around and stuck her tongue out at her great-grandmother. "Nyeh!" Then the girl grinned.   
  
Ranma was relieved to see his wife back in high spirits again. He mouthed a silent 'thank you' to the old woman. Cologne winked back at him. Keeping Shampoo in a playful mood wasn't all that hard, really.   
  
***  
  
The flight was much shorter than the one Nodoka had just come off of. A mere three hours in the air (and two sitting in the plane waiting for the crew to get their act together) landed them in a smaller airport in western China. From there, a rented and chauffeured van drove them as far as civilization went.   
  
"Isn't this rather expensive?" Nodoka asked, during the long ride.   
  
"Somewhat," Cologne answered, "but in addition to my own family's accumulated wealth, I have the tribe's resources to call upon if there is a need. So far, We've not spent nearly enough on this trip to put much of a dent in my personal coffers. You'd be surprised how much money you can set aside in 300 years. Besides, there's no way we could have carried all this on our backs."   
  
Ranma gave a worried glance behind him at his mother's considerable amount of luggage. "Yeah, I was wondering about that. Pretty soon, we're going to be hiking. I guess I should have told you to only bring what you can carry." He glanced at his mother. She grinned sheepishly.   
  
*BONK*   
  
"Ow!"  
  
"Your mother has not had the dubious benefit of living her entire life out of a backpack, Sonny. You should expect her to have a few more possessions. It's not as though this is merely a short vacation for her, you know." Cologne said.   
  
Ranma rubbed his head. "I suppose not. Still, what are we gonna do about all this? Between her bags and all that junk you brought from the Nekohanten, we're gonna be so weighted down we won't be able to take a step.   
  
*BONK*  
  
"Use your head, Sonny! Even with the chests of my equipment alone, we would have been overburdened. I sent word ahead to the villagers. A group of them will be meeting us in Quian Su to help us carry it all."  
  
"Ow. How was I supposed to know that?"  
  
"Surely there's at least some of your mother's brain in there." Cologne smirked.   
  
"Goodness, I'd hope so." Nodoka chuckled.   
  
"Is little better than stupid panda-man, but not much." Shampoo nodded sadly.  
  
"HEY!"  
  
***  
  
The group of Amazons who met them in the small village of Quian Su consisted of two female warriors, and six male porters. They brought three palanquins, which were loaded up with the belongings of the group from Japan. Each man took one end of the long poles and lifted it to his shoulder.  
  
As they left, Nodoka noted with some trepidation that the two women were not carrying anything more than their own weapons. She stepped up beside one of the men and caught his attention.   
  
"Excuse me, I was wondering if I might ask you a few questions, about the village where my son and I will be living?"  
  
The sweating man smiled at her, and said something she couldn't understand.  
  
"Oh I see, you don't speak Japanese." Nodoka said, chagrinned.   
  
Cologne pogoed up to her on her staff. "Is there a problem, Nodoka-san?"  
  
Nodoka looked awkwardly back at her new friend. "Er... no, not really. I just noticed that none of the women are carrying anything, and the men are doing all the work. I was just... concerned... about what role my son will have in your village." She asked hesitantly.   
  
Cologne raised an eyebrow and nodded in understanding. "I see. It is a common misunderstanding that we Amazons treat our men badly. The male-dominated Chinese government spreads some rather nasty rumors about us. They hate the idea of women being in positions of authority. I would say that the status of men in our village is roughly equivalent to the status of women in your country. They are not mistreated or denied any real freedoms, but they are not quite as highly respected as women."   
  
Nodoka nodded. "I see." She glanced from her son, carrying his own pack, as was Shampoo (though hers was much smaller, more of a knapsack, really) and then back at the group of Amazon men bearing their heavy burden.  
  
Cologne could see that her friend was still not convinced. "If it would put your fears to rest, please feel free to ask any of the men questions about their lives in the village."  
  
"But I can't speak Mandarin." Nodoka reminded her.  
  
"Shampoo!" Cologne called out in a commanding tone.   
  
The girl obediently dashed up to the Matriarch's side. "Yes Great-grandmother?"  
  
"I want you to translate for your mother-in-law while she speaks with the villagers. Translate every word as precisely as you can. If they say something impolite, you repeat it for her exactly as they meant it. Understand?"  
  
Shampoo blinked. "If Great-grandmother say so. Why for they say not-nice things?"  
  
"I doubt they will." Cologne answered. "I just wish to assure your mother-in-law that we are not keeping secrets from her."  
  
Shampoo gave Nodoka a hurt look. "You no trust us?"  
  
Nodoka quickly put a hand on the girl's shoulder to reassure her. "It's not that, dear. I was just curious about what life will be like for my son in an Amazon village."  
  
Shampoo nodded in understanding. "Ah so! You listen to donkey-butts in Beijing!"  
  
Nodoka blinked. "'Donkey butts'?"  
  
"The Japanese word you want is 'Jackasses', Shampoo." Cologne chuckled.   
  
Nodoka looked to the old woman, still slightly confused. "The 'Jackasses in Beijing'?"  
  
Cologne smirked at her. "A literal translation of the word in our tribe's dialect which refers to the Chinese government."  
  
Nodoka's lip curled into a smile. "I see. No Shampoo, I don't have any friends in Beijing to tell me such things, but I admit I'm a bit worried. I hope I haven't offended you."  
  
Shampoo smiled at her. "No worry, Mother. Amazons have this problem all time. Many people who never see village with own eyes think silly things about Amazon womans. I tell you all you want know."  
  
"Do that Shampoo, but let her ask the men, so that she has no cause for doubt. Son-in-law, you get over here too and have a listen." Cologne called over her shoulder.  
  
"Huh?" Ranma caught up with them. "What's going on?"  
  
"Go with your mother and Shampoo and listen to what our men have to say about life in our village. I'm sure you were curious."  
  
Ranma scratched his head. "Yeah, a little. I didn't know if I was going to end up as some sort of househusband or what. I guess I figured it didn't matter as long as Shampoo was happy."  
  
Shampoo's eyes shone as she gazed up at her new husband. She knew very well by now that the traditional role of a wife in Japan was to stay at home, cook, clean and raise the children. It was one of the primary reasons she didn't want to live there with Ranma, though she never said as much for fear of alienating him. To win him, she had been willing to be nothing more than that to make him happy, even though it was quite a step down from her warrior status in the village. Of course, she hadn't been looking forward to that possibility, and had pushed for him to return with her to the village. Still, she had secretly feared that Ranma would insist she be the homemaker even in her own village.   
  
"Ranma... you would do that for Shampoo?"  
  
Ranma winced. "Yeah. I wouldn't like it, but seeing you smile? That part I really like!" He grinned at her.   
  
The caravan was brought to a halt as Shampoo, deeply moved, tackled her husband in a hug, knocking him down on his pack.   
  
"Gack!" He grunted in surprise. Anything else he might have wanted to say was cut off by a pair of soft lips pressed firmly into his own. Fortunately for Cologne's patience, Shampoo kept this kiss brief.   
  
Happy tears ran down her eyes as she sat astride his hips. "Ranma no worry! Shampoo have status of Village Champion, so Ranma have warrior status too! We get house of own, and have to take care of it, but we do those things together! We both be respected warriors of village! You see!" She grinned happily.   
  
The whole group of Amazons had put down their burdens and were grinning in amusement at the couple sprawled on the ground.   
  
one man asked.  
  
Cologne smirked.  
  
A rather embarrassed Ranma grinned back at his wife. "That sounds perfect, Shampoo. Now, um... could you get off me? Everybody's staring."  
  
Shampoo blinked and looked back over her shoulder. Her face went red and she chuckled nervously. She muttered, as she dismounted her husband and helped him back to his feet. The Amazon's snickered, along with Nodoka. Cologne just shook her head and grinned. The couple would be the talk of the village in no time.   
  
Once the caravan had started up again, Cologne addressed her great-granddaughter. "Now then, Shampoo, you were about to help out your mother-in-law?"  
  
"Ah, Shampoo forget! Come with Shampoo, Mother. We talk to mans."  
  
"Thank you." Nodoka smirked. "Though I can understand that your mind was on... other things."  
  
Shampoo giggled and pulled her mother-in-law by the hand up to the first pair of porters. Ranma followed behind.  
  
Cologne raised her voice. She spoke for a while in commanding tones. When she was finished, they all barked an affirmative.   
  
Shampoo listened and then turned to Nodoka. "Great-grandmother say: Mother of Shampoo husband want ask questions about life in village. Answer all questions honestly. No be worried just because Matriarch around. She away from village for long time. Is good for her hear about problems too."  
  
Nodoka nodded and walked up to the first man, wondering what she should say. "How do you like living in your village?"  
  
Shampoo repeated the question in Mandarin, then translated his answer for Ranma and Nodoka. "Is nice place to live. Very pretty. Village have much money because they no put up with Jackasses in Beijing who raise taxes all time. So all buildings in good shape. Is no like other poor villages where no one have money to buy paint or for fix things what break."  
  
Nodoka nodded and smiled. That hadn't been exactly what she had meant, but it was nice to know all the same. At any rate, the man seemed happy enough to live there. She slowed her walk until she was beside the man carrying the other end of the pole. He seemed older than the rest, his hair half-grey, so she judged him to be in his mid 50s, but he was still quite stout and muscular for a man of his age.   
  
"Are you married?" She asked.  
  
"Yes, he married." Shampoo responded immediately. "He father of one of Shampoo friends in village. Shampoo happy to see him again. He nice man!"  
  
Nodoka smiled at her. "Alright then. Ask him if he wouldn't mind telling me about his relationship with his wife."  
  
Shampoo smirked and asked. The man laughed and gave his answer. As she heard it, Shampoo began to grin.  
  
"He say: wife very beautiful, and very kind woman. Work him too hard though."  
  
Nodoka raised an eyebrow. "Oh? At what?"  
  
Shampoo's eyes twinkled with mirth. "He have seven children!" She said, holding up her fingers.   
  
Nodoka's eyes went wide. Then she laughed merrily. "He sound's like a happy man then."  
  
Shampoo nodded eagerly. The man, who had been watching the exchange, said something while pointing at Shampoo's finger count and smiling.   
  
Shampoo cried out with delight, and immediately began to question him extensively. After a moment, she turned back to the Japanese pair and giggled. "He say I get count wrong. I away from village for more than year. Now he have *eight* children! Shampoo want go see cute new baby girl when she get back!"  
  
Nodoka smiled. "Congratulate him for me, will you dear?"  
  
Shampoo nodded and did so. The man nodded his thanks and grinned proudly as he spoke again. Shampoo smirked and said something teasingly in response. Then she turned back to Ranma and his mother.  
  
"He say she sure to be strongest warrior of tribe! When she grown, she beat Shampoo silly! Shampoo say not likely, but be happy to help daughter train when old enough."  
  
Nodoka smiled, gave the man a short bow of thanks, which he returned as best he could with his burden. She then moved back to the next man.   
  
"Elder Cologne has already assured me that men in the tribe are well-treated, but I wish to know more details about the roles of men and women in the village."   
  
The man scratched his chin as he pondered the question. Eventually, he began speaking at length. After a minute, Shampoo put up a hand to stop him.   
  
"There much he have to say, so Shampoo need translate little bit at time so remember say everything like he say it. He sort of mans what like to talk a lot. Spend too much time thinking, Shampoo think." She explained. "He say: Is many roles for mans and for womans in tribe. Not all womans is warrior, not all mans is not. All girl-child get training as warrior, but not all want to live life that way, so do other things. Some farm, some make clothes, some work for Elders as scribe. Is same with mans. Many mans train to be warriors from childhood, but not always. Some farm, some build buildings, some cut firewood. Is many different jobs that need doing in village, and person who best at it do work. Most work with lifting heavy things done by mans, because mans is stronger like that, but that same in all places, not just in Amazon village."  
  
Nodoka had to agree with that, and nodded as Shampoo turned back to the man and asked him to continue.   
  
"He say there limits, of course. Mans can no be on Council of Elders, and head of house is always mother, not father, unless mother die, like Shampoo mother." Shampoo finished sadly. Nodoka was fairly sure the man hadn't been the one to bring up that.   
  
"So your father is still alive, Shampoo?" Ranma asked.  
  
Shampoo nodded, smiling nostalgically. "Yes. Shampoo father live in village by self. But Shampoo go to live with Great-grandmother when six, so no see father as often as like. Shampoo think you both like him. He very nice and very strong, but no like to fight or argue too much. Him have... how for explain? Quiet strength. Kind that make people listen to him, and no have to yell. Shampoo no remember see him lose temper in whole life, even when Shampoo do bad thing."  
  
Nodoka smiled. "He sounds like a fine man, Shampoo-chan."  
  
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Yeah, unlike my father."  
  
Shampoo nodded vigorously. "Shampoo father nothing like stupid panda-man! You like him, you see!"  
  
Ranma smiled reassuringly. "I bet I will."  
  
Shampoo grinned then turned to Nodoka. "Want ask anything else?"  
  
Nodoka tugged her lip in thought. There was one last thing. She dropped back to the second last man in the line, not wanting to be overheard by the two warrior women leading the party.   
  
"I was wondering," she asked the man, "why those two women aren't carrying much of anything, while all you men are so heavily burdened? Shouldn't they take some of your load?"  
  
Shampoo looked about to answer the question herself, but remembered that Cologne wanted to hear the truth of things straight from the mouths of the men (as much as possible given the language barrier). She gave the question to the man, who blinked and spoke seriously.   
  
"He say: Is you crazy? It dangerous here in deep forest. Maybe run into tiger, or bear, or enemy of Amazons. Warriors there to protect us. We come to carry heavy things, so no can bring own weapons. Weigh too much. If weigh down warriors with luggage, then they no can react quickly if we in danger. We work as bearers. That our job. They guard us. That their job. If make them carry some of this, I no feel safe so far from village. I glad they no carry anything but weapons."   
  
Nodoka blinked. She hadn't thought of it that way. "I see. Please forgive me for asking such a foolish question."  
  
Shampoo translated and the man grinned, nodding his head up to the warriors as he spoke, chuckling.   
  
"He say: No your fault you no understand Amazon ways. Warrior on left my wife. She fierce warrior, very good for protecting husband. One day on trip like this one, we come across bandits in woods. Six men. That trip smaller, was only two of us who carry, and only one warrior. That warrior my wife. Six men point and laugh, say this easy prey; only coward mans who hide behind woman pretending to be warrior. I think they no from around here, or no say something so silly about Amazons. Wife get mad and fight them. Take her forever to get tiny pieces of stupid mans out of cracks in her armor."  
  
"Oh my!" Nodoka said, her eyes a little wide. Ranma snickered along with Shampoo.   
  
Cologne hopped up to them from where she had been trailing behind out of earshot, allowing Nodoka to ask her questions without any implied interference from the Matriarch. "Are you satisfied, Nodoka-san?"  
  
Ranma's mother looked ashamed, and bowed low before the old woman. "I'm so sorry. It was incredibly rude of me to suggest that my son might not be well treated in your village."  
  
Cologne smirked. "Yes it was." She said bluntly. "However, you are not the first to join our tribe with worries and false preconceptions. We take no offense, and are happy that you now know us better. We would never trap either you or your son here against your will. You will be free to leave at any time if you are not happy here. The same goes for Ranma, should he find village life unbearable. Though in his case, I should hope he would at least take his wife with him." She said dryly.   
  
"Damn right!" Ranma snorted. "I ain't my Pop! I'd never leave my wife behind!"   
  
Nodoka smiled sadly. If only Genma had felt the same way, perhaps things wouldn't have turned out so badly. Then again, that he wanted to leave her at all should have been her first clue that the marriage was doomed.   
  
Shampoo looked worriedly up at her husband. "Why for talk about leave village before even get there? Great-grandmother right; if Ranma hate live in village, then Shampoo go with him to live in other place, but no want do that unless is no choice. Shampoo want live in village if can. Is home." She said simply.  
  
Ranma grinned easily and put his arm around his wife, as best her small pack allowed. "Don't worry about it Shampoo. I think I'll like living in the village. I remember when I came here before. The village is pretty enough by itself, but outside the walls? Beautiful green forests, tall, majestic mountains, and that lake we passed on the way in; so blue and clear you can see all the way to the bottom!"  
  
Shampoo giggled happily. "Shampoo remember swim in that lake when little, with other children from village. We go swimming together there soon, but..." and here she leaned toward him to whisper in his ear.   
  
Whatever she said, it turned Ranma's face bright red. He straightened and muttered. "Um... won't the other villagers mind?"  
  
"You silly! We go after dark. No one see!" She said, giving him a sultry look.   
  
"What do you suppose they're talking about?" Nodoka whispered into Cologne's ear, smirking.  
  
"I'm sure I don't want to know." The old woman muttered back.  
  
Ranma sighed and smiled wearily. "Ok, but if we go there too often, the water won't be so clear anymore."   
  
Shampoo blushed and giggled as she smacked him. Then she stopped and blinked. "Aiya! Is no good! Water cold. No can play if go in there, Ranma turn into gi..."   
  
Shampoo stopped and slapped both hands over her mouth in horror, glancing back fearfully at Ranma's mother. Ranma flinched and followed her gaze.   
  
Nodoka blinked. "Good heavens, Shampoo! Why are you looking at me like that? And you too Ranma?"  
  
Shampoo said nothing, keeping her hands over her mouth as she looked miserably back at her husband. He could see in her eyes just how sorry she was.   
  
Ranma swallowed and looked back at his mother. "Mom? Did you... hear what Shampoo was just saying a moment ago?"  
  
Nodoka smirked. "About the two of you going skinny-dipping and contaminating the water?"   
  
Ranma's face went beet red. "Um... no actually, after that."  
  
Nodoka raised an eyebrow. "Well, I was *trying* to quietly back out of earshot so you two could have some privacy, but I believe it was something like, 'No good! Water Cold!' Is that what you meant?"  
  
"And is that all you heard?" Ranma asked warily.   
  
She frowned at him. "Yes, Ranma. Now what's this about? You're behaving very strangely."  
  
Ranma looked uncomfortable as Shampoo sighed with relief. "Well... she almost gave away that secret 'condition' of mine, you see."  
  
Nodoka smiled brightly. "Oh, you mean the one you're allowed to tell me all about now that the Seppuku pledge is gone?"  
  
Ranma blinked, then grinned. "Oh yeah! I completely forgot! It's okay now, isn't it?"  
  
Nodoka beamed and nodded. "Absolutely, Ranma. Under no circumstances can I, or will I, ask for your life. So come on already! What's the big secret?"  
  
"Well..."  
  
"Son-in-law," Cologne cautioned, "just because your life is no longer in danger does not mean this will be easy for your mother to hear. We will make camp after another kilometre or so. You can tell her then... when she is sitting down."   
  
Nodoka gave the old woman a worried glance, her good humour destroyed by the seriousness in the Matriarch's tone. "Is it really that bad?"  
  
Cologne sighed. "It is not as bad as it first seems, but I fear you are in for quite a shock, my dear."  
  
"Oh dear..." Nodoka said quietly, bringing a hand to her mouth.  
  
Ranma scratched his head ruefully. "Yeah, I guess it is better to wait."  
  
All looked up as a boom of thunder shook the sky.   
  
"Aw man!" Ranma groaned as the rain started to fall.   
  
"Figures." Cologne muttered.  
  
"Aiya..." Shampoo sighed.   
  
Nodoka blinked and glanced from one face to another. "What? What is it? Just a little rain? It's all right, really! I might not be as used to roughing it as the rest of you, but I can certainly put... up... with..."  
  
She trailed off as her son shrunk and was replaced with a very familiar redhead. She didn't even notice Shampoo vanish.   
  
"Ranko...chan..." Nodoka murmured, before her eyes rolled up into her head and she plummeted to the ground like a felled tree.   
  
"Meow!"  
  
Ranma-chan, about to go to his mother and make sure she was alright, took one look at the cat crawling out of Shampoo's clothes and took off screaming.  
  
"Or," Cologne said dryly, "We can just make camp here."  
  
***  
  
"I'LL KILL HIM! I'LL RIP HIS BRAIN OUT THROUGH HIS EYE SOCKETS AND SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS SO THAT IT'S THERE LITTERALLY!"  
  
"Whoa, calm down Mom!" 'Ranko' tried to quiet her rampaging mother, sitting beside the now-human Shampoo. It was a hopeless gesture. Nodoka Tenkawa wouldn't stop ranting and raving about the things she intended to do to Genma until she'd screamed so much she was dizzy from lack of oxygen.   
  
Ranma would have laid good money the day before that his mother didn't even *know* most of those words!  
  
The Amazons, who had set up the camp while Nodoka lay unconscious, were now all keeping well back from the campfire where she was pacing around in circles. One of the warrior women, whose husband had claimed was a "fierce warrior, very good for protecting husband" was presently hiding behind said husband. It didn't help that Shampoo had found it amusing to translate as much she could understand of what Nodoka said, just so she could watch the men's faces turn green.   
  
Cologne had (with Ranma's permission) brought them all up to speed with regard to Genma's training journey, the seppuku pledge, the Cat-fist, Jyusenkyo and pretending to be 'Ranko'. Both the women had angrily vowed to help Nodoka track down this filthy beast and kill him. The men had all growled out their disgust at sharing his gender.   
  
Now, after watching Nodoka rage and foam for ten minutes without slowing down, and hearing some of the things she was saying, the frightened Amazons had changed their minds. The nervous women suddenly decided that their new sister probably didn't need their help, and the pale-faced men suddenly felt extremely sorry for Genma, if she ever found the poor bastard.   
  
There are certain things that you just wouldn't wish upon even your worst enemy. So far, Nodoka had mentioned five of them.  
  
  
***  
  
It had taken Nodoka a day and a half to calm down.   
  
Even then, for more than a month afterward, anytime anyone mentioned Genma's name, her face would begin to twitch. It was plain to see to just about anyone, that beneath that thin veneer of control lay enough boiling rage and hatred to level a mountain! Consequently, very few people had the courage to mention Ranma's father at all. It quickly became a taboo topic of discussion within the Amazon Village, regardless of whether or not Nodoka was within earshot.   
  
But all that came later. While they were still a day's journey from the village, Nodoka was coherent enough to start asking questions about the whole scenario.   
  
"Shampoo-chan? How do you feel about my son's curse? Doesn't it bother you, being married to someone like him?"   
  
"Aw Mom!"  
  
"Hush, Ranma. This is an important question." Nodoka chided.  
  
"No Mother. Shampoo no mind one bit." The violet-haired girl answered seriously, without batting an eye.   
  
Nodoka looked at her, disbelief plain on her face. "How can you not?"  
  
A quick glance at her husband saw him hang his head in depression. That wouldn't do at all. She turned sharply and stepped in front of Nodoka, bringing the older woman to an abrupt halt. Though the movement was aggressive, Shampoo's big eyes showed only sadness as she looked up into the taller woman's.   
  
"Because Shampoo love Ranma." She said simply. "Love Ranma for who he is, not for shape of body (though like that very much too! ^_^). Now Shampoo have question: Mother who give away baby to idiot love Ranma that much?"  
  
The demand was delivered so gently, in such a sad tone of voice, that it took most people a few shocked seconds to recognize it for the accusation it was.   
  
Nodoka's mouth worked without sound, unable to say a single thing when faced with that sad-eyed, pleading expression, on the beautiful girl's face. Her throat closed off and tears began to pour from her eyes. Such a simple question, yet so hard to answer. It grabbed a fistful of Nodoka's most painful regrets and dragged them forth into the blinding light of day, where they could not hide or be forgotten.   
  
"Sh-Sh-Shampoo!" Ranma stammered, horrified. "How can you say something like that! To my *mother*!"  
  
Shampoo, however, did not acknowledge him, and merely continued to stare sadly into her mother-in-law's tearful eyes.   
  
One of the women warriors tugged gently on the Matriarch's sleeve.   
  
Cologne stood still as a statue, but eventually found the will to answer.   
  
The villagers watched in silence. Not understanding anything more than that something very serious was going on here.  
  
Nodoka tried to scowl at the girl, drawing anger from her hurt. She was only half-successful. "It's a fair question." She said, referring to Ranma's outburst.   
  
"No want hurt you, Mother, but question you ask Shampoo... mean she have to ask other question." She said softly. "If answer to second question is 'yes', then you would no ask Shampoo first one. So Shampoo ask again: Mother who give away baby to idiot love Ranma that much?"   
  
The last vestiges of Nodoka's control shattered, and she burst into sobs. She began to turn away, but Shampoo caught her up and embraced her, gently pressing the woman's head into her shoulder, softly stroking her hair. After a brief moment of struggle, Ranma's mother sagged against her daughter-in-law, clutching her in a desperate grip.   
  
Nodoka whispered something. It was unintelligible through her sobs.  
  
"Say again? Shampoo can no hear." The violet-haired beauty asked softly.  
  
"I... I don't know." She whispered louder, her voice trembling. "Forgive me Ranma, I just don't know!"  
  
Her son, hearing these words, flinched as if struck. The Matriarch had been watching his expression carefully. The haunted look of deep hurt on his face would stay with Cologne for the rest of her years.   
  
Shampoo shhed her, gently stroking her hair, as though comforting a child. "No worry Mother. You will learn to." She took the sobbing woman's face in her hands and gently forced her to look her in the eye. She smiled. "Shampoo know it! You will learn! Ranma too special not to, so Shampoo know you will learn. She will teach you." Her eyes twinkled. "Shampoo expert at loving Ranma!"  
  
Nodoka's face broke once more and she squeezed the girl hard, her heart overflowing with gratitude. "Thank you!"  
  
Shampoo patted her back, still smiling.   
  
As she slowly managed to regain control of herself, Nodoka stood up and smiled at the silent assemblage, wiping her tears. "What are you all staring at?" She asked without ire. "We should get going if we want to get there by nightfall, correct?"  
  
Cologne swallowed the lump in her throat. Damn that sweet great-granddaughter of hers! She'd even gotten to this cynical old woman! It was taking all her centuries of control to not shed tears along with everyone else.   
  
"Quite right. Let's get moving." She managed, hopping along on her staff. The Amazons hesitantly picked up their burdens and resumed the march.   
  
"What was that all about, Shampoo?" Ranma asked, glancing past her at his mother, who was still tearful, yet smiling.  
  
Shampoo smiled sweetly and then turned that smile back to Nodoka, speaking to her as much as him. "Mother build wall between her and Ranma. Wall for keep heart from breaking for long years no see him. Shampoo smash wall to pieces. Now watch while Mother build wall again, but this time, have door in it that let Ranma in."  
  
Ranma scratched his head, still looking worried. "I don't get it." He admitted. He'd thought they'd been getting along fine.  
  
Shampoo smirked at him. "That prove you real man in heart! Men stupid about woman's heart. Never understand no matter how hard try!"  
  
"HEY!" He growled.   
  
Shampoo giggled and stuck her tongue out at him, then dashed away laughing.  
  
Ranma chased after her. "Whaddaya mean I'm stupid! Come back here and explain!"  
  
"You still no understand even if Shampoo do! Nyeh!" She pulled down her eyelid and continued to run, giggling like a child at play.  
  
"Come on! Tell me!" Ranma pleaded in an annoyed tone, following her in close pursuit, not seeming to mind that his pack weighed about three times what her little travel bag did.   
  
Nodoka watched the two skip out of sight. Suddenly, without knowing why, she began to chuckle.   
  
One of the warriors dropped back to speak with the Matriarch.   
  
Cologne raised an eyebrow.   
  
Toner pouted.   
  
Cologne smirked. She hopped over to Nodoka, who was still crying silently, even though she was smiling.   
  
"Nodoka-san..."  
  
"Don't."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
Nodoka turned to the old woman and smiled sadly. "If you're about to apologise for her, than don't. That young girl, no older than my son, is far wiser in matters of the heart than this old lady. She already knows that we grow the most from things which sometimes cause us pain. I suspect that girl has much to teach this foolish woman. Quite the reverse from the usual mother-daughter relationship, isn't it?"  
  
Shampoo (having had the sense to lead Ranma about in a wide circle, so as not to leave the caravan too far behind) popped up behind her, hugging her mother-in-law around the waist, peaking her head cutely over the woman's shoulder.   
  
"Shampoo is good cook, but only know how cook Chinese food. She think many of Ranma's favorite food is Japanese. Want very much learn how to cook those. Will Mother teach her?"  
  
Nodoka smiled gratefully at the energetic young Amazon's offer. "It would be my honor, Shampoo, and my pleasure."   
  
Shampoo giggled and kissed her Mother-in-law on the cheek. "When house for new couple is built, Mother move in with Ranma and Shampoo. We be big happy family! True happy; no person have to fake be happy in Shampoo house!"  
  
"Hey! There you are!" Ranma shouted from behind.   
  
"Oops! Shampoo have to run again!" She giggled, and off the pair went again, into the woods.   
  
Cologne shook her head, smiling with Nodoka at the couple's antics. "I taught Shampoo that, 'all growth comes out of suffering'. I didn't know she'd learned the lesson so well."  
  
Nodoka chuckled. "I think I'll be in good hands."  
  
"As will she, from both you and Ranma." Cologne smiled. "While you may be a bit out of practice, I think you will be a fine mother to both of them, Nodoka-san."  
  
"I wish I had your confidence." Nodoka sighed.  
  
"Then borrow some of hers." Cologne said simply. "She said it herself: you will learn."  
  
"Yes." Nodoka smiled up at the sky. "I surely will!"  
  
________________________________________________________________________________  
  
  
Awww! What a beautiful way to end a chapter. This story's not over, of course. This is no happy ending! Shampoo is still dying, still doesn't know how long she has, or that she is effectively barren. Toilet Duck still searches unoptimistically for a cure, and we haven't even arrived at the village yet!  
  
I have no idea how long this will go, but I'm having fun writing it. I can tell it's some of my better work too. You know it's good when you read it through two or three times, and it's *still* pulling your emotional strings, making you laugh and cry along with the characters. That's especially true if you wrote the thing yourself!  
  
Someone pass me a tissue! *sniff*  
  
Alright, enough silliness. :P  
  
Please feel free to comment on my work, at:   
hinoron@hotmail.com   
  
Ja na!   
  
-Ron Hino 


	4. Chapter 4

Sins of the Great-grandmothers  
Chapter Four  
By Ron Hino  
Ranma 1/2 is the creation of Rumiko Takahashi. She has made lots and lots of money off it, and I'm not making a penny. Damn shame too.  
  
Since were now wandering into crossover territory, I suppose I should mention that I didn't create Ah, Megami-sama either. :P  
  
________________________________________________________________________________  
The Necromancer, Toilet Duck, frowned at the collection of books that lined her shelves. Every one of them was bound in black leather, a sign of the nature of the spells and knowledge contained within. There was not a single white-bound volume on the shelves; not a single cure or spell generally intended to be beneficial (other than to herself, naturally) among her considerable collection. She'd known this very well beforehand. Nonetheless, she had reread every single volume in her collection, cover to cover, looking for some hint that might tell her how to break a Soul Eater curse. It had taken her nearly two months, and produced absolutely nothing.  
  
She sighed.  
  
There was no help for it. She was going to have to seek the aid of someone experienced in white magic. She prepared herself for a journey, packing her things, along with a single black book; the one bearing the description of the Soul Eater spell she'd accidentally cast upon Cologne's great-granddaughter. It was the only book that might possibly be of any small use to whoever she found.   
  
She was only ten steps out the door of her mountain cottage when it occurred to her she had no idea where to look. Grumbling at the inefficiency of her aging mind, she stomped back into the house. Of course, one of the benefits to old age was that she could imagine that there was a time when she actually *was* less absentminded.   
  
Unfortunately, there hadn't been. Magic was really the only area where Duck could claim any true competence, and only black magic at that.   
  
She was over 250 years old now, but there had been a time during her youth, a happy, joyous time, when her bumbling (both physical and mental) hadn't seemed such an inconvenience. Calvin had actually found it cute, until that old whore Cologne had seduced him away, of course. One thing could be said for her old age; now that she was so shrunken, and her arms and legs a fair bit shorter* she didn't stumble about nearly as much as during her youth and young adulthood. Falling on her face was something she'd been immensely grateful to have grown out of.  
  
*(A.N. Don't ask me how it's medically possible for an elderly person to shrink that much. It's a mystery of anime. In real life, it's the thinning of the pads between the vertebrae of the spine that causes old folks to lose a few inches in height, but their arms and legs obviously stay the same length. Bones themselves can't actually shrink, to the best of my knowledge.)   
  
She supposed that her long life had brought her many gifts (even if a second true love was not among them). All the arcane knowledge she gained was something she valued very highly. It had even given her time to learn still more, instead of dropping dead at 75. The ki technique of Cologne's family for extending life was not known to her, but she had found another method:   
  
In life, and especially in magic, there was usually at least two ways to go about doing something: pushing or pulling. Cologne's method was a 'push', bolstering the body's health and stretching one's life-span by slowing cellular degradation; adding to life, as it were. Duck had gone the opposite way; she warded off the force of Death with certain favours and even naked bribery. That was the 'pull' method. It was more costly in the long run than its alternative, but it worked.  
  
Duck shook her head to cease its aimless wandering. She sat in her favorite chair and considered how to go about finding a white sorceress, or even a wizard with that bent. Magi were extraordinarily rare in this modern age, and Duck knew of only one other true magus (not that she had ever gone looking, before now). Since they had met through a mutual 'acquaintance' who lived in what could politely be referred to as 'a very warm climate', it was unlikely that the other black witch could be of any help, even if she was of a mind to do so. They weren't exactly friends.   
  
However, Duck remembered a spell she'd used once or twice that could seek out her fellow black magus by her Dark magic, regardless of where the woman might be in the world. Could she possibly reorder that spell to seek out the Dark magic's opposite: White magic? It made a sort of sense. There had been a time when magi were plentiful, and those following the darker path might have wanted to keep track of their enemies' movements. She got out of her chair and began looking over the spines of her hundred-odd books, seeking the one wherein she had found that scyring spell.   
  
It took some time. Duck's collection wasn't especially organised. The sun went down, ensuring that she wouldn't be leaving tonight, as she'd intended. She was an old woman! She might trip and fall in the dark, as ironically as that would be for a Dark sorceress.  
  
Finding the spell, she read it over carefully by candlelight. It was just as she remembered. This time, however, she paid more attention to the footnote, which mentioned which words needed to be exchanged if one was seeking an enemy rather than an ally.   
  
Memorising them quickly, Duck snapped the book closed and moved to her desk. She unrolled a map of the world, and carefully aligned it so that the North edge faced to the North, South to the South, etc.   
  
Taking a small, wiggle-bladed dagger, she pricked her fingertip, and touched a spot of her blood to the compass marked on the corner of the map. This was necessary for the magic to recognize the otherwise meaningless patterns of ordinary ink that made up the map. So prepared, Duck spoke the modified words of the evil (if mostly harmless) spell.  
  
"Eyes of Evil, search and find,"  
"Wielders of magic, NOT my kind!  
"Slaves to the Light, my vengeful blade does seek."  
"Find the places in this world, where such do reek!"  
  
Once the incantation finished, Duck examined the map carefully. Such a broad-scoped spell actually found nearly two-dozen such people. Tiny dots of white light, varying slightly in size, glowed at specific points upon the map. Most were too far away from here to do her much good, unless she wanted to travel halfway around the world. They were extremely tiny dots anyway, meaning the people they represented had only a little bit of power. Knowledge and power didn't necessarily go together, but it was a good rule to go by. Duck didn't desire to go on a long, difficult journey only to find that the person she sought was unable to help her.   
  
She stared longest at a dense collection of white dots centred around Tokyo, Japan. It was hard to tell, since they were so close together and overlapped, but it looked like some of those might be fairly large, and therefore powerful. Tokyo wasn't too far away either, a day's journey at most.   
  
Duck pulled out another map, showing that region of Japan in more detail, and recast the spell. Now she could see the white dots much more clearly.  
  
She frowned at a collection of ten dots all in the same ward of Tokyo; Juuban ward, according to the map. Many of these odd white dots possessed a circle of a different color ringing them. Duck wasn't sure what that meant. Let's see... pink, red, green, gold, blue, pink again...  
  
Duck blinked as she understood. Those must be the Sailor Senshi. She knew of them. They would be of no help to her; they were sorceresses only by the broadest of definitions. She'd looked them up at once point, trying to determine if they might be a threat to her, but determined that they could be easily handled if they ever came to bother her. Though fairly powerful, most of them were limited to two or three attack spells along their individual elemental lines: the significance of the coloured rings that identified their white magic markers on the map.   
  
The only one Duck might have to watch out for was that Sailor Moon twit, who had a great deal of raw white magical power. Duck allowed herself a brief shudder as she imagined what the effect of being hit with one of those Moon Healing 'attacks': Just a harmless little old lady, dressed in black, skipping through sunny fields and picking daisies, giggling as she placed a pink ribbon on one of her many animal skulls.   
  
BLEAH!  
  
Duck had long-since decided that the Sailor Senshi were best dealt with by not drawing their attention to the little old witch who had made her home deep in the Japanese Alps. She could probably kill them, if she was careful and planned well, but why risk it at all?  
  
They wouldn't be of much help in her present predicament. They were too limited in their understanding of their own magic. Duck briefly wondered if that Moon Healing (brrr!) spell might purify the demon from Shampoo, but she doubted it. Duck had chosen that spell specifically because the demon was very adept at hiding himself from any attempts to exorcise him. Such blunt, brute-force style magic, wielded by an ignorant child, probably wouldn't accomplish anything. Duck needed the help of an *expert* in white magic.  
  
She carefully scanned the rest of the map. She blinked as she noticed a very strong concentration of power in another part of Tokyo, not far the Nekomi Institute of Technology (some sort of college, she assumed). It was hard to tell, but it looked like more than one individual, maybe as many as three. They must be very close to each other at the moment. They were all in the same town, possibly even the same building. Duck wished she had a smaller map of that area. At any rate, the size of the white dots indicated that at least one of these individuals was exceptionally powerful, possibly even beyond human capabilities. That worried Duck a little, since she didn't know how that could be.   
  
Nonetheless, this was exactly what she'd been looking for: an individual with exceptionally powerful white magic. Marking the location with a pen, so she could find it once the spell was dispersed, Duck packed the Tokyo prefecture map with the rest of her things and headed for the door. Darkness greeted her outside.  
  
Oh, that's right. She'd planned on leaving in the morning. She'd forgotten already.   
  
Grumbling once more at her usual absentmindedness, Duck stalked back inside and went to bed, swearing that there had once been a time when her mind didn't play such tricks on her.  
  
***  
  
The next morning, bright and early (for Duck, at least. Meaning she left around 10:00) the Necromancer left her house and started down the mountain trail to the village several miles below. From there, she could catch a bus into Tokyo, and then ride trains stuffed full of the stinking, stupid, unwashed masses of the city to the Nekomi neighborhood.  
  
In case it has escaped some, Toilet Duck did not much care for travel, or cities, for that matter.  
  
She paused to look back at her little mountain cottage. While the inside was quite comfortable and homey, the outside was meant as a warning to all who might be stupid enough to come bothering a black sorceress who didn't like to be bothered. The walls were painted black, the shingles gray as a cloudy day. On various benches and windowsills rested a wide assortment of animal skulls, some with small bits of rotting meat still clinging to them. Those were being kept out in the sun until the flesh fell off them and they could be used as spell components. The smell they gave off was not so strong out here, due to the breeze that blew through this forest clearing, but it was still one more thing that kept unwanted visitors away.   
  
Farther down the mountain trail, Duck paused to admire her other, even more effective deterrent.  
  
Standing in the middle of the one and only path leading up to her house was an entire human skeleton. It was held up by a jagged, rusting metal spike set in the ground, which pierced right through the bottom of his pubic bone (about where the rectum once was) up through his ribcage, and under his jaw. It's point, which held the skull up by resting in the roof of his mouth, was actually nowhere near as sharp as one might think was required in order for a man to be so deeply impaled. Those who found the courage to look closely enough to note this little fact rarely held that courage long enough to take another step down the path, which was the whole point, naturally.  
  
Those who did not immediately soil themselves at the sight, usually did so when the grinning skull turned of its own accord to look at new arrivals, and say hello.   
  
"Mistress Duck! Good morning! Are you out for a stroll? Good for you! Sitting about the house all day does no good for a woman your age."  
  
"Morning Kenny. Actually, I'm going on a little trip into Tokyo. I may be gone a few days. Longer if I actually find what I need, so I may be gone a long while."  
  
The skull, which had turned 180 degrees to face backwards at her initial approach, slowly turned to follow her as she walked around him.   
  
"Well then, safe journey and all that. I hope you find what you're looking for." The skull said cheerfully.  
  
"I hope so too." Duck muttered. "I further hope that what I find doesn't kill me the second it sets eyes on me."  
  
"Oh dear!" The concerned skull gasped. "Please be extremely careful then, Mistress. I'd hate to hear that something awful had happened to you."  
  
Duck grunted in agreement, then paused. She turned back to face the skull. "Kenny dear, I never really got around to explaining this before, but in the event of my death, the magic that keeps your soul locked into that skull of yours will fade away within a few days. You'd go on to your eternal reward. You were a nice man in life, so it ought to be Heaven you're due for, despite your association with someone like me."  
  
If the skull had the ability to animate anything below its neck, he might have shrugged. "Maybe so, Mistress, but I'm in no big hurry. It's nice here in the woods. There was actually a very pretty red-breasted robin that perched on my clavicle for a little while, just the other day."  
  
Duck smiled at him. "Well... I'm glad you don't mind being my scarecrow, at least for a few more years."  
  
The skull moved in a way that seemed to suggest a grin, even without the benefit of actual lips. "Hopefully for many more than just a few, Mistress. Good luck, and safe journey! I'd wave goodbye if I could."  
  
Duck sighed. "I told you before, your ligaments are too dried and brittle to hold together for that kind of movement. If I let you, your arm would just drop off after a few swings of it. Besides, that much movement would probably scare off those birds you're so fond of."  
  
The skull dipped forward slightly in what might have been a sigh. "I suppose you're right, Mistress. Farewell again."  
  
"Bye-bye Kenny." She smiled, and then headed off down the path.   
  
Most would assume, from the way Kenji (or 'Kenny' as she liked to call him) was positioned, that he had died in a most horrible fashion, skewered atop that jagged, irregular spike while he was still screaming; his punishment, perhaps, for trespassing upon the witch's land.   
  
In actual fact, Kenji had been a trapper who lived on the mountainside about 150 years ago, in a cottage of his own a mile from where Duck built her little homestead. He'd been a friendly sort, and had actually helped her build her house, back when she'd first moved into the area. They'd gotten along quite neighborly, almost a necessity since no one else lived this high up in the mountain.   
  
Kenji had died not for trespassing, but in his bed, suffering from a bad case of pneumonia, which he'd caught when he dove into the river one winter to save a small bear cub he'd seen slip from a crossing log. Kenji had been somewhat of a nature-lover, you see, especially in regard to cute little animals. Perhaps that was not the best inclination to have for a man who made his living trapping them. With the amount of game on this mountain, he could have made a much better living of it if he didn't always let the young, healthy animals loose when he caught them. He killed only the old or sickly. He even brought Duck the bones once he'd cleaned them.   
  
The rusty iron spike had actually been a dismal failure of Duck's extremely brief attempt at neo-gothic modern art sculpture. On the day she discovered her old friend dead in his bed, she finally found a good use for the damned thing.   
  
Kenji didn't mind. She'd allowed him to spend many more years out enjoying nature as a dead man than he'd enjoyed in life. Sometimes, she even removed his skull and took him out to visit a nearby waterfall, where he could watch the new bear cubs come to learn how to fish ("Aww! So kyewt!"). In return, he politely informed tourists and hikers that Duck would rather not have visitors. Why they always ran screaming when he gave them a cheerful hello confused him to no end.   
  
Yes, it was the sad truth; for all her considerable talent with black magic, Duck was not all that evil an evil sorceress. Oh she wasn't exactly what you would call a nice person, but she couldn't rid herself of the annoying little burden of her conscience, despite hanging around with demons for more than two centuries. It was humiliating, really! That was part of the reason she sequestered herself away from the general population, and hardly ever made contact with others in her profession. Only her bitter hatred of Cologne had given her the intestinal fortitude to actually attempt to kill another human being. She had killed a few times in her long, long life, but those times had been in self-defense: obnoxious little do-gooder hero-types who thought she was a 'threat to all humanity' or something equally inane. Well, she supposed she was, technically, but to her great chagrin, she was more of an 'empty threat to humanity'.  
  
Now, she was stuck on this mission of (big sigh) mercy. To make matters worse, once she tracked down this powerful source of white magic, she was going to have to convince them that she wasn't the sort of evil sorceress who actually went doing evil all the time. Talk about humiliating!  
  
Oh well, at least she had lots of time to figure out how to phrase her request in the least embarrassing manner, yet still convince them to help. She hoped she could do it without anyone catching on that as powerful black mages went, she was really more of a big black weenie...  
  
My, that sounded naughty, didn't it?  
  
Duck smacked herself in the head. She was getting perverted in her old age. Must have been the result of spending time with that old whore, Cologne "The Sword-swallower" of the Joketsuzoku. Although... her little mental slip did bring back some very fond memories of her former husband, Calvin... except of course that he had been Caucasian...  
  
Had anyone been passing her on the trail just then, they would probably have been unsettled by a most disturbing sight.  
  
Have you ever seen a 250-year-old bag of wrinkles blush like a schoolgirl? It ain't pretty!  
  
***  
  
Crouching in an alley across the street from where you wanted to be was not a very dignified position for a powerful black magus to be in, Duck supposed. However, considering the sort of people she was intending to approach, great caution was warranted.   
  
She had purchased a local map, and cast her scyring spell again, leading her to this old temple. She had drawn by hand an even smaller map, detailing the temple's location and the streets for about a block in each direction. A map this small allowed her to finally determine how many sources of powerful white magic were gathered in this unassuming little temple: Three.   
  
One was almost absurdly powerful. Duck had never in her life sensed any individual with that level of power, white or black. She conceded it as likely more than she was capable of dealing with if negotiations degenerated into violence. The second was slightly weaker, but still well beyond what Duck thought to be the human limits of magical power. The third and final power was much weaker than either of the others; about what Duck imagined a mid-level white magus might be like. However, there was still some otherworldly quality to this smaller power that likened it to the other two. She began to seriously doubt that any of the three were human.  
  
But then... what could they be?  
  
Duck the Necromancer knew very well that the Forces of Darkness had all manner of inhuman beings on its side that occasionally escaped into the human world (sometimes with the help of a dark magus like herself). She was on speaking terms with a number of the less dangerous ones, as a matter of fact. However, in contrast to the wide variety of evil creatures Hell spawned, Heaven had relatively few types of defenders.   
  
Goddesses or Gods would have no business being down on Earth for any length of time, unless perhaps Ragnorok (the final battle between Good and Evil) was starting up. Things seemed pretty peaceful around here for The War to End All Wars, however. For her part, Duck had long ago decided to find a very deep hole to hide in, rather than take either side, if such a cataclysmic event should unfortunately occur within her lifetime.  
  
So, no actual divinities. What other possibilities were there? Angels, cherubs, and... what was that other type? Oh yes! Valkyries. There didn't look like any great battle had occurred around here anytime recently, so that ruled out valkyries dropping by to gather the souls of the heroic dead; besides which, there was no need for three of them to be in the same place.   
  
Cherubs were basically love-sprites, and (despite what all the songs said about the power of love) not all that strong really. The weak power could conceivably be a very strong cherub (maybe even Cupid himself) but that didn't seem likely. Not only were the other two far too strong for cherubs, but there was the same question of why three of them were gathered all in one place. Each time Duck had checked her maps over the last 24 hours, these three energies were here in this town, if not actually in this very building (it had been difficult to tell with her larger maps). She couldn't understand why any divine beings would hang around that long in one spot.  
  
Angels, Duck supposed, were her best bet so far. The souls of the faithful who were put to work for Heaven after death were known to work in groups on occasion. Usually though, their powers were well hidden, so as not to clue in the mortals that Angels were walking among them. Duck really had no idea whether Angels were considered to be weak or powerful, relatively speaking. She'd never seen one before.  
  
Hmm... It seemed to her that there was one other group of holy beings that Duck was forgetting. What was it now? Ah! Divine beasts. They were more of a 'miscellaneous' category, and about the only rule she knew of that applied to all of them was that they were kept from making trouble by the careful hands of the gods and goddesses. Some of the more powerful ones, like the Fenrir Wolf, were even meant to be sealed away for all time. Mid-level, intelligent ones were kept busy, such as with Garm, watchdog to the Nibelhiem (a.k.a. the underworld, Hades, Hell, etc). Others, like the eight-legged horse, Sleipnir, were kept up in Heaven by the divinities, sort of like pets. In any case, none of them would be permitted to roam free on Earth. Scratch them too.   
  
Hmm... Something quite out of the ordinary was happening here. Duck couldn't imagine what was going on. At any rate, she was probably lucky to find three such strong divine powers here on Earth at all. If the energy they radiated was any indication, one of them could almost certainly undo a little curse like the one she'd dropped in Shampoo's lap. Or, if not that, then they could put her in touch with someone who could.  
  
All this assumed that they didn't blow her out of existence the second they sensed the Dark magic that seeped from her every pore. Spending the equivalent of four lifetimes using necromancy left its mark.  
  
(It is worth noting that all of Duck's knowledge of things divine came from conversations she'd held with demonic beings. She thought it worth her time to learn who and what she ought to avoid. Of course, it was all second-hand information, from folks who didn't think much of the divine, so it might not have been as accurate as she thought it was.)  
  
Having determined all she could from a safe distance, the ancient Dark magus took a deep breath, and approached the temple. She hid her ebony staff in the alley. It wouldn't do to approach them with anything that might be considered a weapon in her hands.  
  
The first thing she noticed, the moment her foot touched the first step, was that this temple had active, and fairly powerful wards. This was as rare as it was irritating.   
  
Nearly every temple these days was maintained by priests who really had no idea what they were doing (as far as warding off evil went, anyway). Most were simply going through the motions of the ceremonies they'd been taught, and never actually invoked any true power into their wards. They simply didn't know how anymore. Their wards were just scribbles on bits of paper.   
  
This was not the case here, as she should have expected with three apparent divine beings in residence. The anti-demon wards were all first-rate and functioning perfectly. Only the fact that Duck was not, strictly speaking, a demon allowed her to take a single step onto the grounds. As it was, the holy force of the wards made her arms itch like crazy! She forced herself not to scratch. The sensation she felt was magical, not physical, and scratching would do nothing to relieve it.   
  
Gritting her teeth, she climbed the stairs. Maybe the itching would go away once she was inside the actual circle of wards. Then again, perhaps they permeated the entire temple grounds with their cursed power (or 'blessed power' she should say, considering its source).   
  
When she reached the top step, Duck came across a strange sight. Standing there in the yard was a... well, Duck wasn't completely certain what it was. It looked like a very weird robot with a head shaped like the wide straw hat of a Chinese field worker. It was sweeping the front steps.   
  
Duck blinked as the strange contraption lifted its head to look at her. Suddenly alarms popped out from panels in its head, along with something that looked suspiciously similar to a grenade launcher...  
  
***  
  
*BOOM!*  
  
Keiichi jumped in surprise as the explosion sounded from the front yard. It sounded as thought something had triggered Banpei's defensive functions again. He hoped it was Mara. Strange as it may seem that a person would actually prefer a demoness to be attacking his home, but at least that was preferable to Skuld's strange creation determining he needed to defend the house (and more to the point, Belldandy) from some innocent person. It had happened to Sayoko once already.   
  
Rushing outside, he found the robot with its weapons systems out and ready to fire again, carefully watching the front steps, as though expecting the intruder to return.   
  
Skuld came bouncing out a moment later. "Good work Banpei!"  
  
"Uh... Skuld?" Keiichi asked carefully. "I don't suppose you saw what it was he attacked, did you?"  
  
"No, I just got here. So?"  
  
"Well then, how do you know he attacked the right target? It could have been the mailman or something."  
  
Skuld jumped up into his face, a difficult feat for someone barely 4' tall. "ARE YOU CRITICISING MY PERFECT CREATION!?!"   
  
"Uh... No! Not exactly!" Keiichi stammered. "I was just wondering if Mara was making trouble again, or if it was something else."  
  
Skuld blinked. "Oh, that's okay then. Let me just check." Skuld stood in front of Banpei and spoke directly to him. "Banpei, identify most recent target of defensive countermeasures."  
  
"{UNKNOWN.}"  
  
Skuld blinked. "Unknown? You mean it wasn't Mara or Senbei?"  
  
"{AFFIRMATIVE. RECENT TARGET IS UNKNOWN THREAT.}"  
  
"Then why did he attack, then?" Keiichi wondered.  
  
Skuld repeated the question in a syntax the robot would recognise. "Outline factors which resulted in defining the target as a potential threat."  
  
"{RECENT TARGET EXHIBITED PASSIVE DEMONIC AURA.}"  
  
Keiichi sighed. "So it *was* a demon."  
  
"{NEGATIVE. RECENT TARGET WAS HUMAN.}"  
  
Keiichi's eyes widened. "What! Why did you attack then!"  
  
"{RECENT TARGET EXHIBITED PASSIVE DEMONIC AURA.}"  
  
Skuld was scratching her head. "Banpei, list all possible attack target types from your list of threats that exhibit a passive demonic aura, yet are still considered human."  
  
"{DEMONICALLY POSSESSED HUMAN. HUMAN UNDER CONTRACT WITH DEMON. HUMAN USING INFERNAL MAGIC. HUMAN CARRYING OBJECT WITH INFERNAL MAGICAL AURA.}"  
  
Skuld beamed and turned to Keiichi. "See? It was a bad guy! No problem!"  
  
Keiichi frowned. "What if it was just a normal human who happened to have picked up a demonic object? They wouldn't necessarily know what they had. They might even have been coming to ask Belldandy what it was, or to dispose of it in a safe manner."  
  
Skuld rolled her eyes. Like that was likely! "Okay fine! Banpei, combine ALL scans taken of the recent target. Can you eliminate any possibilities from that list?"  
  
"{AFFIRMATIVE.}"  
  
"What possibilities remain?"  
  
"{HUMAN UNDER CONTRACT WITH DEMON. HUMAN USING INFERNAL MAGIC.}"  
  
Skuld turned to Keiichi and lifted an eyebrow. "See? It's a BAD guy! Someone working for the demons. Banpei did a good job!"  
  
Keiichi sighed and nodded. He and Skuld went back into the house. "Okay. I was just thinking of how he jumped Sayoko last month."  
  
"But Keiichi, Banpei only attacked her in normal attack mode; he just swung a broom at her for goodness sake! Any kind of *normal* threat like that results in a *normal* attack. You heard the explosion; Banpei responded with his Anti-demon attack mode."  
  
"Is that the one where he fires off a bunch of wards?" Keiichi asked, wondering silently what part of Skuld's programming had made Banpei consider Sayoko a threat.   
  
Skuld thought. "That's *one* of his anti-demon attacks, but from the sound of the 'boom', I'd say he decided to use his special 'Pretty Sparkle Nice-Nice Gas Bomb'."  
  
Keiichi winced. "You came up with that name yourself, didn't you."  
  
"Of course! What's wrong with it?"  
  
"Never mind..."  
  
***  
  
Back in the alley, Duck was retching mightily into a dumpster. She didn't know what the hell that sparkling crap had been, but it was making her sick as a dog!   
  
'All right!' She thought between dry heaves. 'No more Miss Nice evil witch! I'm gonna turn that stupid tin can into slag!'   
  
Toilet Duck the Necromancer felt her legs give out as the purifying gas attacked her Dark magically maintained health. She collapsed bonelessly to the ground, her stomach still spasming, even though it was empty. Fortunately, that meant that she couldn't choke on her own bile.  
  
'...Just as soon as I can stand up.'  
  
***  
  
The next day, Duck sat on a roof, peering down the street where the temple stood. She'd like to move a bit closer, but wasn't prepared to risk being spotted by the divine beings' little Terminator wanna-be.   
  
"Damn! I can't cast any of my more destructive spells within the bounds of that temple, and most of the ones I could cast from outside would dissipate once they touch the circle of wards, assuming I could find an angle where I could see the walking trash can over the walls to aim." She grumbled as she considered her options. "Maybe I could summon a few demons to destroy the wards first, then go after the robot?"  
  
There was a "poof" of gray smoke that reeked of brimstone, and a blonde demoness dressed in leather, spikes and chains appeared in a seated position beside the Dark magus.   
  
"Forget it Ducky. I've been trying to get in there for months. If a First-Class Demon like me can't do it, there ain't likely any who can, or that could be bothered to help you in the first place."   
  
"Well well, if it isn't Mara." Toilet Duck scowled. "And don't call me Ducky!"  
  
Mara shrugged with a smirk. "Fine by me. I came up with a different way to translate your name anyway. How's it going, Shitter Fowl?"  
  
Duck rolled her eyes. "Well, I've been better. I've got to get into that temple somehow, but they've got some sort of anti-demonic robot that's giving me trouble."  
  
"The dumb-looking one with the mushroom shaped head?"  
  
"That's the one. Any helpful advice to offer your old friend?" Duck muttered, not really expecting much.  
  
"Sorry. That thing's a problem for me too. At least you're not made helpless by anti-demonic wards."  
  
"No, they just make my arms itch like crazy."  
  
"Better that than itchy AND paralyzed!"  
  
"Count your blessings (or whatever you want to call them)." Duck muttered. "If you were a Third-Class demon, wards that strong would burn you to a crisp in an instant! I don't know what they might do to a Second-Class."  
  
"Paralyze him, then fry him slowly, I suspect." Mara smirked unhappily. "Not that they're any fun for someone like me either."  
  
"Hmm... A real dilemma. I can get past the wards, but they also prevent me from casting my spells. I haven't a chance against that stupid tin can without my magic."   
  
Mara grunted in agreement. Then she frowned curiously and glanced at her friend. "What are you so hot to get in there for anyway?"  
  
"I could ask you the same question." Duck countered, not relishing explaining her motives to the Demon. She had a reputation to keep. A largely false reputation, but a reputation nonetheless.  
  
"Got me a grudge against the three goddesses living there." Mara grumbled. "You?"  
  
Duck's eye's widened. "GODDESSES! There are actual *goddesses* in there? And *living* there, as in permanently? Just what are they doing?"  
  
"The usual: making everyone around them revoltingly happy." Mara snorted. "You didn't even know they were in there?"  
  
Duck shook her head. "Not exactly. I sensed some very powerful divine energies there, but I didn't think goddesses would stay in one place so long, so I assumed they were something else." She frowned and turned to Mara. "What can you tell me about them?"  
  
Mara the Demoness, always happy to help someone else bring harm, shrugged. "They're three sisters known as the Three Fates in the Scandinavia."  
  
"Norse mythology?"  
  
"Right, except obviously not the 'myth' part." Mara snorted. "There's the little one, Skuld: Goddess of the Future. She's weak as hell, but she's got a talent for building machines. She'd the one who made that stupid Robot. She's a real brat too."  
  
Mara smirked as she continued. "Then there's Urd: Goddess of the Past. She's strong enough, I suppose. She used to be First-Class, and the strongest of all three, but got busted down for lying and generally making mischief. She's almost naughty enough that I could like her, but she's loyal to the Lord. You'd think a half-demon like her would be easier to turn. I even tried it once, but her sisters managed to win her back."  
  
"A half-demon? Interesting..."  
  
Mara snorted. "Don't get any dumb ideas. She's still a goddess." She lay back on the roof, lounging like she did this all the time. "Last, and certainly most annoying, is Belldandy: Goddess of the Present. She's the most powerful now; a true First-Class goddess if ever you saw one. She's so disgustingly sweet and pure, it makes me nauseous just talking about her!"  
  
Duck tapped her finger against her ebony staff as she thought. "So what are three goddesses doing living down here on Earth? Don't they have work to do upstairs?"  
  
Mara nodded. "They did, but Belldandy was working for the Goddess Relief Office. You know, granting wishes? She granted one for this little putz named Keiichi who wished for a girl like her to stay with him forever. Poof! One grounded goddess. Then the other two showed up to keep her company, or something like that. I think Urd actually got herself into trouble and was temporarily banished from Heaven, but I don't know all the details."  
  
Duck frowned in thought. This was all very useful information, but she didn't know what she could do with it yet. She intentionally didn't thank the demoness for the info. Mara had told her all this because she assumed it would benefit herself in some way, not as some kind of favour. Perhaps she thought a mortal like Duck could find some way to bring the circle of wards down, allowing the demoness free access into the home of the three goddesses.   
  
Frankly, at another time, Duck might have considered that a fair exchange for valuable information, but letting a First-Class Demoness into someone's house to wreak havoc didn't seem like the best way to get them to do you a favour. Besides which, Duck had no means of accommodating the demoness' wishes.  
  
"So..." Mara cooed. "I've told you pretty much all I know about the place you're trying to get into. You might at least tell me why."  
  
Duck scowled. That was a warning, not a request. Any threat from a Second-Class demon or lower wasn't something a Dark Magus of Duck's ability really needed to worry about, but when dealing with First-Class demons like Mara, one was generally better off staying on their good side (so to speak). Were the two of them to actually fight, she could certainly give the demoness a hard time of it, perhaps even win. Still, that was a good deal more effort and risk than Duck was prepared to sacrifice just to save her dignity.   
  
"I suppose I might as well tell you, but if you spread this around, I swear I'll find some way to make you regret your loose lips." Duck growled. "I may not be able to kill one as strong as you, but I can certainly bring you trouble not worth spreading embarrassing stories over."  
  
Mara rolled her eyes at the threat. "Fine, fine. So spill."  
  
"I miscast a spell." Duck sighed.  
  
"So?"  
  
"It hit the wrong person."  
  
"Who cares? Just aim for the right one next time." Mara snorted.  
  
"With some opponents, you only get one clear shot at them. This one is too dangerous to have after my blood now that she knows I'm after hers."  
  
Mara frowned at that. It made sense, at least. "That still doesn't explain why you're trying to get into the temple. Keep talking."  
  
Duck grumbled, but continued. "My spell missed her and hit her great-granddaughter. Nice kid; you'd hate her. My most dangerous enemy ever agreed to let me live only if I undid the harm to her great-grandchild, who is presently slowly dying. I can't undo my own spell, not one that powerful anyway. I need to find an expert in White magic to do it. These goddesses were the most powerful sources of White magic I sensed in Japan, so I came here."  
  
Mara sat up, rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Let me get this straight. You hurt an innocent little girl (good for you, by the way) so her big, bad great-grandmother is forcing you to *cure* her! Instead of just saying you'll do it and waiting for the little brat to croak, you're actually going to go groveling to *goddesses* of all people to aid you in *helping* someone else?"  
  
"Well... I wouldn't say 'groveling'." Duck muttered.   
  
"Why the hell don't you just lay low for a while?" Mara snorted in disgust.  
  
"This enemy is the one I could never defeat in my youth, and she's only grown more powerful and cunning." Duck grumbled. She was getting a real good grumble going. She made up her mind to spend more time with demons like Mara. They were a bad influence on her (which was good... er...). "I would not be able to hide from this one for long, if she was of a mind to hunt me down. I waited over 200 years for her guard to drop, and I somehow managed to screw it up. I wasn't expecting her descendant to throw her fool self in front of the spell. How in the hell does a backstabbing old whore like that inspire such loyalty? Must be the ignorance of youth!"  
  
Mara didn't really care what Duck was rambling about any more. "You're going to ask the goddesses for help?" She asked yet again, shaking her head in disgust. "Talk about the wrong way to do things!"  
  
Duck lifted an eyebrow. "You have a better idea? Then again, I haven't even asked you yet; you, a powerful First-Class demoness. I don't suppose you're strong enough to remove an entrenched Soul Eater demon?"  
  
Mara scowled at the Dark sorceress, who (in her eyes) was dancing on the line of treason. "Even if I could, I wouldn't, you worm! You're pathetic! A pathetic little goody-goody!"  
  
Duck smirked. "Ah, I see. I, with my back against the wall, and next to no options, choose to betray my associations and benefactors in order to save my own skin. What part of that strikes you as 'goody-goody'?"  
  
Mara blinked, temporarily confused. She attempted to clarify matters. "You're... betraying all those who have helped you, who trust you (to a degree, at least) in an utterly selfish attempt to pick your own fat out of the fire?"  
  
"That's pretty much it, yes." Duck smirked.   
  
Mara developed a big grin. "Welcome back to the fold, babe! You're definitely one of us!" She vanished in another cloud of stinking smoke.  
  
"You have no idea just how flattered I am to hear that." Duck muttered sarcastically to the empty air.  
  
Demons weren't so hard to handle, if you knew what you were doing. Duck had a lifetime of experience at it.  
  
***  
  
Despite her 'encouraging' conversation with the demoness a few days ago, Duck was having no greater luck penetrating the temple's defenses. She'd come up with the idea to mob the entrance with lesser, more expendable demons and other evil creatures.   
  
She slated the attack for midnight, naturally, since the darkness would give her creatures more strength. Some of them could even be harmed by the light of day. She waited, with her small army of cannon fodder (gremlins, skeletons, goblins, zombies, etc) until the moon went behind a cloud. Then she gave them the signal to charge. Their orders were to destroy the robot and, if possible, the wards too. She had no absurd expectations that these relatively weak creatures could face even the weakest of the three goddesses in residence.   
  
In point of fact, Skuld probably would have taken one look and run screaming in terror, but Duck was unaware of that, or the little goddess' inability to use her power.   
  
With a cacophony of inhuman roars, the mob of minions moved en-mass toward the temple at a charge. Some of them began to burn when they came into contact with the powerful wards, but said wards had never been intended to turn back an assault of this many infernal beings at once. For every five that dropped, one got through. It looked like a decent-sized squad was actually going to be left to smash that damned robot! They were still smoking a little in the weaker warded area inside the wall, but if they kept moving, they should survive long enough to finish their job.   
  
Then said robot stepped onto the front porch and activated its anti-demon special assault mode: Darkness elemental countermeasures. Huge floodlights popped out of panels in his hips, and turned night into day. These particular floodlights were personally designed by Skuld, and could produce a degree of brightness equivalent to that of the Earth's sun... at noon... in the middle of the Sahara desert... underneath a big-ass hole in the ozone layer.  
  
Any of the creatures who were not instantly fried, became blinded. They fell down to the ground, screeching and wailing, and more to the point, not moving around much. With the assault on the outer wards effectively obliterated, all the wards' power was now focusing inward. The rest of the creatures were barbecued within half a minute.  
  
Banpei, his job done, returned inside the house and re-initiated his recharge mode, plugging himself into a wall outlet. None of the temple's other residents had even come to see what all the screaming had been about. Apparently, they were heavy sleepers.  
Duck, who had been watching the entire thing from the roof directly across the street, cursed violently as she stumbled around, unable to see a single thing since the moment the little bastard in the tin jockey shorts had flashblinded her! She fumbled around blindly for her staff. With it, she might feel her way about and maybe manage not to fall off the damn roof. She felt her foot run into it, sending it skittering several feet farther ahead of her.   
  
"Aha!" She crowed in triumph, she heard it stop sliding about four feet in front of her, so she scurried after it.   
  
Three and a half feet beyond where she'd started, her feet ran out of roof. Just as she began to totter over, she heard the clatter of her staff as it eventually hit the ground, two stories below.  
  
Well, wasn't that helpful? Now she knew where the ground was!  
  
*THUD*  
  
***  
  
It was a week later when Duck felt ready to try again. It had taken a day for her vision to return, but healing the other injuries from her tumble off the roof had taken longer.   
  
Any form of reasonable thought had been left behind in Duck's sickbed. Now she wanted the metallic little fucker to DIE!  
  
Magic was obviously not working out too well. The goddesses and the robot were too well prepared for an attack on that front, so Duck made careful plans to breach the walls of the innocent-looking fortress by more mundane methods. Then she was going to let that stupid tin can have it!   
  
Planning was required in an assault of this importance. While she had healed, Duck had planted crow demons to watch the place carefully, if from a distance. What they saw was transmitted back to Duck's motel room and displayed on a large mirror she'd removed from the bathroom wall. Through this method, she paid close attention to the comings and goings of the non-mechanical residents. She made note of when each person left, when they came back, who usually went with who, and who was left behind to watch the house.   
  
Banpei, the little tin soldier, always fell into the final category. He never left the house. Duck would have preferred to catch him alone somewhere where the wards couldn't protect him from a direct attack from her magic, but he seemed dedicated to his job as the guard robot.   
  
That was fine, as long as she could get him alone by some means. Being on the temple grounds made things more difficult, but not impossible. There was no way Toilet Duck, a wise and powerful magus, was going to accept being outsmarted by something that ran on batteries!   
  
Then came her lucky day! One Sunday afternoon, all the human (or apparently human) residents left the house together! They had abandoned the little guard-bot! How sad for it! Hee hee hee!   
  
Watching from a distant roof through a pair of binoculars, Duck straightened her camo fatigues and buttoned her combat helmet. Shouldering her chosen weapon, she took one last note of her target's position: out front, sweeping the walk.   
  
She bolted down to the street and around and past the temple. They had neighbors on either side, and trespassing was not something that Duck particularly gave a damn about right now! She hopped the very low retracting fence that the neighbors locked at night to insure no one stole their car, then sprinted around to their back yard. A woman watering her plants jumped a bit at the ancient and diminutive soldier-figure invading her property.   
  
Duck paid her no heed, and used her black staff to vault to the top of the wall this property shared with the temple, letting it fall to the ground in the woman's yard. Duck wasn't sure if the robot was built to detect the dark magic in an object like that or not, but she couldn't chance it. She'd recover it later. The instant she rolled over the wall, she felt the wards show her their displeasure at her arrival. She paid them no heed. She crept forward at a swift, yet silent pace, eyes scanning left and right for any sign of the enemy. She drew her weapon and prepared to use it.   
  
Finding the back door, which connected to the kitchen, Duck tested it, finding it unlocked. Awfully trusting people, these folk, but then she supposed that wasn't surprising, considering who they were. As she shut the door, she noticed the itchy feeling from the wards vanished. Apparently, their power did not go through walls. That was fine with her. Aside from not having to suffer the irritation, this suggested to her that her enemy would not be able to sense her being in the house, at least not by the aura of her dark magic. She should try and avoid making a racket, though.  
  
The floor to this old kitchen was stone, and a foot lower than the rest of the building's wooden floors. Being stone, it was also cold to the feet. Duck smiled at seeing a fuzzy pair of slippers right there by the inner door. They sure were making this easy for her.  
  
Duck slipped her tiny feet straight into the much larger slippers, not needing or bothering to take off her own footwear. With this padding, her own combat boots made no noise along the hard wooden floor of the hallway, as she made her way towards the front door.   
  
Being extremely wary, Duck held her weapon in one hand as she gently, slowly, silently opened the door a bare crack. She could hear the sound of sweeping. She peeked through the tiny crack and saw a line of the garish colours his tasteless creator had painted him. She had his position now. He hadn't detected her. She had her weapon readied in both her trembling hands. She took several deep breaths to steady herself... then she kicked open the door and charged with a blood-curdling scream!  
  
Banpei whirled as quickly as his design enabled him to. His camera-lens eyes widened!   
  
*SMASH*  
  
"Ha!" Duck crowed, raising the sledgehammer again for another swing.  
  
*SMASH*  
  
"Take that!"  
  
*SMASH*  
  
"And that!"  
  
*SMASH*  
  
"You stupid machine!"  
  
*SMASH*  
  
"Blind me, will you!?"  
  
*SMASH*  
  
"Gag me with your stupid smoke!?"  
  
*SMASH*  
  
"Toast all my hard-summoned creatures and make me..." *SMASH* "FALL" *SMASH* "OFF" *SMASH* "THE" *SMASH* "FUCKING" *SMASH* "**ROOF**!?!"  
  
Panting and wheezing, the old woman in the combat fatigues finally let the extremely heavy sledge drop from her aching fingers. She sat down on the step, trying desperately to catch her breath. She wasn't young anymore, not by any means, but pure fury had given her the strength to pummel that cursed contraption into complete dysfunction. The technologically-oriented goddess could probably fix it, but it would take a heck of a long time.  
  
Duck fervently hoped the damn thing would never work again!  
  
She had retained enough level-headedness to carefully direct her blows. Just denting its outer casing wasn't likely to keep it from counter attacking with another one of those anti-demon weapons. She had first knocked it off his feet with a horizontal swing to its head, then crushed both its legs, then its arms, so it couldn't get back up. When it was down and crippled, she didn't know where to hit next, since she had no idea which of the little panels held the most dangerous weapons to her, so she had taken aim at the rectangular box mounted on it's back. As it happened, this was the battery casing, and a few solid blows to that section 'convinced' the little robot to stop struggling against the inevitable. It stopped moving shortly after that.   
  
The rest of the blows had just been for therapy's sake.  
  
Duck sighed as her breath began coming more easily. "Mission accomplished!"  
  
She leaned back a bit on the steps. "Now I can just wait for them to come home and..."  
  
Duck sat up abruptly! "ARRGH! What am I doing?"   
  
Somewhere along the line, she'd forgotten about asking the goddesses for help, and become completely obsessed with the destruction of the stupid robot! How was she supposed to ask them for help now? They weren't likely to appreciate her smashing up their guard-bot, especially since she'd watched them pat him and talk to him while she'd been healing, as though he was practically a member of the family, or maybe a beloved pet.  
  
Duck was doomed!  
  
Panicking, Duck bolted to the street, taking a quick look left and right to make sure no one saw her, then fled the scene of the crime.   
  
***  
  
It was another week before Duck had the courage to approach the temple again. After her successful assault, she hadn't even wanted to monitor the group's reaction to finding what was effectively their friend's corpse lying on their front lawn. Duck still hated the little robot, but she did feel a bit guilty about how his family must have felt.   
  
This morning, she'd sent a crow demon to reconnoiter. Through it, she saw that the robot was now functional again, if a little dented-looking. Now that the damage from her little temper tantrum was fixed, she felt it might be safe to try and enter through the front door again. Maybe if she could greet a person first?  
  
That afternoon, Duck hesitantly climbed the temple steps, watching carefully for the little pest. Not seeing him, she breathed a sigh of relief and stepped past the wall and down the front walk.   
  
"{WARNING! INTRUDER!}"  
  
Duck's blood ran cold as she spun to see the dented contraption off to the right, apparently having just come around the corner of the house.  
  
"{BEGINNING INTRUDER/GUEST THREAT RECOGNITION PROGRAM.}"  
  
Duck blinked. That was new. Obviously the little goddess had added some software to the dangerous machine to prevent it from attacking people who came here with no ill intentions. She breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"{INTRUDER RECOGNISED: SUPER MEANIE JERK #1. INITIATE NEW ATTACK SUBPROGRAM: 'MAKE STICKY RED MESS'.}"  
  
Duck's eyes bugged out as, from somewhere behind his backpack (which looked a fair bit bigger than before, she noticed belatedly) Banpei unfolded a chaingun, railgun, rocket launcher, grenade launcher, shotgun, uzi, and (just to round things out) a 16th century ship's cannon.  
  
Duck promptly wet herself.  
Belldandy was on her way home from the market, only half a block from home, when she heard a simply *tremendous* explosion. Somehow she knew, even before the smoke became visible, that it had come from her own house. She sighed wearily. She was going to have to have a talk with Skuld.   
  
As she drew closer to the bottom of the temple steps, Belldandy saw a small black shape rolling limply down them. The shape was still smoldering, and sending up a fair amount of smoke all by itself.  
  
To her shock and horror, Belldandy soon realized that this charred lump was actually a person.  
  
"Goodness! What happened to you!" She cried.   
  
"Much as I might like to deny it," Duck wheezed, "I'm afraid it might have been Karma."  
  
Belldandy knelt down beside the blackened black mage, her eyes filled with concern. "Is there anything I can do to help?"  
  
Still somewhat dazed, Duck blinked. This was one of the goddesses, and judging from Mara's description, the one most likely to hear out her request. "Actually, Miss Belldandy, there was something very important I wanted to speak to you about."  
  
As Duck idly noticed an unburned part of her black robes catching flame from the cinders of the rest, it occurred to her that she could have saved herself a lot of trouble had she just waited at the base of the steps in the first place.  
  
Well wasn't that just something?  
  
________________________________________________________________________________  
  
End Chapter Four  
  
I have only one thing to say about this chapter:  
  
Hee hee... That was fun!  
As for the NEXT chapter, I think we're due to check on Ranma and Shampoo, and their arrival at the Amazon village. I make no promises about when that chapter will get written, however. I've got two or three other projects on the go.   
"My religion? I'm believe in Frisbeetarianism. For those of you who don't know, that's the belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there." -Unknown  
Ja na!  
  
-Ron Hino.  
  
C&C to hinoron1@hotmail.com  
  
P.S. Remember, if you expect an answer from me, send reviews directly to my Email. I tend to take my sweet ass time looking at the reviews that don't come straight to me. (Yes I'm lazy. What's your point?) 


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